It's My "Party" and I Won't Have It If I Don't Want To

To quote Cher from Clueless, “I don’t want to be a traitor to my generation and all…” but I don’t get weddings. I don’t. Marriage? I guess I can understand that. It’s not something I need, but I get it. I’m totally okay with people wanting to spend their life together, and wanting a way to signal that commitment.

You may be asking right now, “well, isn’t that what a wedding is, you giant, hypocritical ignoramus?”

Friends, in my opinion, it really, REALLY, is not. Hold the phone and read more before you start yelling at me.

Let’s start with the history of weddings. You probably just went through a few, because, ya know, SUMMER WEDDINGS!! Do you know why summer weddings are so popular? June is the month associated with Juno, the Roman goddess of marriage and childbearing. Weddings in her month were considered especially fortuitous and fertile. Considering how many layers the wedding party’s attire typically consists of, I find summer weddings a curiously sweaty decision, but that’s neither here nor there. I’m also not a big fan of Juno (the goddess, not the movie), but that’s because I neither like ancient Romans nor women who let their man cheat all over the place.  

Did you read pay attention to that last sentence? The ancient Roman goddess of marriage was most well known for getting to be “that wife” that continuously watched her husband cheat on her.  That’s actually pretty common in ancient mythology because the thing is, old-time marriage sucked. Women got the shit end of the stick. If they didn’t get married they were a burden to their parents. If they did get married, they were the property of their spouse and basically had to go along with whatever the man wanted. In most societies they had no legal rights. In many cases, they were trapped in the marriage with no end in sight unless the guy died.

Here in the United States, marriage today isn’t that bad. For starters, no one is forced to get married, it’s a choice. Legally, both parties are equal. Either party can dissolve the marriage. Yay for progress!

But did you know that almost all of our common wedding traditions stem from this history of marriage being sucktastic for women? Here are just a few, A FEW, examples:

·         The whole reason the bride’s family gets the fun job of paying for everything? Because way back when, women were such a HUGE inconvenience to life that a family literally PAID OFF THE GUY to marry their daughter. This was called a dowry, because that sounds nicer than something like “FUCKING TAKE THIS BITCH FROM US bribe money.”

·         Why is there a bridal party? Because even further back in time, the way you got a wife was to go kidnap her. For realz. So a guy would round up his buddies (the groomsmen) to go attack the family with the hottie daughter and steal her to be his treasured babymaker.

·         The tender moment when the father gives away the bride? More property-tradition in action! It reenacts the exchange of property, that the bride no longer “belongs” to her father, and now is the glowing goods of the husband.

I swear friends, I’m not trying to be all super-feminist here, but seriously? You want me to be excited for these things?

And that is probably the main reason I don’t get weddings. Marriage is fine and dandy and has progressed, but somehow, not only have weddings stayed steeped in really stupid traditions, but they are sold to little girls as THE THING WE WANT MOST* (until we start craving babies, that is). It is the BIGGEST DAY OF OUR LIVES! It is the day that THE BRIDE COMES FIRST! ALL HAIL THE BRIDE!

…but why?

If you are getting married and you treat your wedding as what it is – a celebration of two people committing to each other, that’s great! I am totes on board!

But instead, it’s treated as this massive achievement by the bride. Not the groom, it’s looked on for him as an ending. The end of fun, the end of freedom, etc. But for the bride? Huge achievement! She locked that dude down! Woot woot!

Wwhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?  

There are many things about weddings that frankly, I just don’t like, and that is my opinion and very likely different from yours. I think though that the main issue I have with weddings is that they are the perfect example of the utter impossibility of being a woman. Sure, the institution of marriage may be better for us these days, but weddings still suck out the bride’s soul.

We treat them as this amazing achievement (as I already said and you may have guessed I’m not really thrilled about that fact either) for the bride, but we’re not there celebrating her. Oh no, we’re there to judge. That’s why she needs to look her best, why which china is used actually matters, and why the baker damn well better not f*** up the cake or shit is going to get real. Because the bride knows as she’s planning this “party” that for the rest of her life, people will remember and judge her based on how she looks, how she acts, and whether or not she played to their preferred traditions. They will complain if she doesn’t serve the drinks they like, or have their favorite dessert, or *gasp* if she bans children. No one will care that it’s her wedding. Oh, they’ll smile at her and say she looks nice, but you better believe the minute the ceremony is over everyone is gathering and comparing what they thought about it (i.e. complaining. There is a shocking amount of complaining at weddings).   

It’s not a celebration of marriage. It’s Day 1 of us judging this woman as a wife. And the best part for her? EVERYBODY gets to get in on the judgment. It’s not like Day 1 of judging her as a worker, which is limited to people at her job. Or Day 1 of judging her as a friend, which is limited to her social group. You don’t need to be married to weigh in on whether you thought the wedding was a flop or a hit. Hell, you don’t even need to have gone to the wedding to feel entitled to tell her that the dress is outdated and throwing rice is so passé. YEAH, BECAUSE SHE CAN CHANGE THAT NOW.

All in all, I’m surprised more women don’t turn into brizezillas and/or maim someone during the course of the wedding.

I’m sure I’ve ruffled a few feathers here and if I’ve been to your wedding, I swear it was lovely. No offense is meant. All I’m really saying is let’s be real and acknowledge that weddings are a ton of work, a ton of stress, and a matter of preference, and ya’ll need to stop trying to shove this idea down my throat that having a perfect wedding is the goal of my existence.

24 Symptoms of a Fitbit Addict

I realized something. I have well and truly become addicted to my Fitbit. I was walking to the breakroom and hit the button to see how many steps I already had, when I saw the alert. The Fitbit was DEAD. There would be no tracking of steps that day. There would be no heart rate monitoring.

I went into a full out tizzy.

Now thankfully it happened that one of my coworkers had their charger on them. I immediately sat at my desk, stopped all movement, and plugged in my Fitbit. Then I thought about it. I couldn’t tell you the last time I didn’t wear my Fitbit other than the 30 minutes each morning when I take it off to shower (yes I am aware that I take long showers) and charge it. The only reason it was dead was because I am in the midst of moving and kept forgetting the charger at the wrong apartment.

Yet I don’t have many of the typical signs of Fitbit addiction. You see, I have given up on my step goal. Most Fitbit addicts plan their life around hitting that 10,000 step high each day. While I fell into this category when I first got my Fitbit, the past two years of struggle with my freaking busted knee of death and pain have completely changed my perspective. Somehow though, I’m still addicted. How do I know? Here are some signs of Fitbit addiction that have nothing to do with a step count:

1. You recognize other Fitbitters by their gear.
2. They recognize you too, because you never take your Fitbit off. Step count > fancy parties.
3. You can both do this, because even if they don’t have the same Fitbit as you, you have eyed up the other options on the website so many times that you can recognize any Fitbit model at a glance.
4. This is why you are also prone to long conversations with other Fitbitters about why you each choose your specific model and the pros/cons of each.
5. You actually open every email you get from Fitbit. Every. Single. One.
6. Because you NEED to know what new models and/or features are coming out.
7. Even if you’re not planning to buy a new Fitbit anytime soon, because remember, YOU ALREADY OWN ONE.
8. Actually at some point, you may have owned more than one Fitbit when you made the life-altering decision to switch models.
9. You’ve also have tracked your water intake.
10. You’ve tracked food too.
11. You have even logged exercises when Fitbit doesn’t recognize them. Cleaning DOES count because it’s an option.
12. You have planned your life around when you take your Fitbit off to charge it.
13. You do this to make sure the Fitbit NEVER DIES.
14. Because you know that if your steps/sleep/stairs weren’t getting registered, there would be no point to the day.
15. Which is why if you ever forget to put your Fitbit back on after charging, the whole day is ruined.
    
16. EVEN IF this was during a lazy day when you weren’t getting in a lot of activity. It doesn’t matter. You still want to know. Because charts.
17. You have used said charts as evidence that you didn’t sleep well and people should give you more caffeine/stop sucking at life.
18. If you have heart rate monitoring, you have used said charts as evidence that people are STRESSING YOU THE F*CK OUT.
19. Which speaking of f*ck, you have totally checked your charts to see if sex registers on them.
    
20. And if you have heart rate monitoring, you have looked to see if particularly noteworthy experiences have higher peaks. Giggity.
21. At least once you’ve shared a milestone on social media. To be clear, one of the badges Fitbit awards, not a sex-related-tracking milestone.
22. You get unduly excited when friends then get their own Fitbits.
23. You then proceed to judge them based on their weekly step count.
24. You also identify which friends you refuse to do challenges with, because those bitches would always win. 

1.      

The Resting Nice Face Struggle

I’m sure everyone is aware of Resting Bitch Face. There are constantly memes and articles about it out there in the world (I specifically see this on Buzzfeed, as I’m a Buzzfeed addict). Yet what about its counter-part? Resting Nice Face? I don’t think this life ruiner has really been as fleshed out (face… flesh… GET MY WIT DAMNIT!). As someone who has suffered from Resting Nice Face their entire life, I want to call out ways in which it utterly destroys your world. There are many, many examples, but it all comes down to three main issues.

1. People Talk To You

Yesterday I was running errands with a friend, and we had to wait in line for about ten minutes. Nobody talked to us. Well, eventually one of the employees did, but none of the other customers tried to. Ten entire minutes, surrounded by strangers, and nobody was asking where I bought my clothes or making suggestions for my hair or telling me their life story. I secretly reveled in the experience and thought maybe I had hit some sort of turning point in my RNF where people no longer felt the need to talk to me constantly.

Sadly later that day, I went to Target by myself. Literally within five minutes of entering the store, some woman was asking about my boots and then went on to explain about how she has chronic foot pain and so can only wear certain types of shoes but my boots look comfy and might be okay for her.

That’s the thing with Resting Nice Face. It doesn’t matter where I go – running errands, public transportation, on an airplane with headphones and a book – people are GOING to talk to me (unless I’m with somebody whose Resting Bitch Face cancels mine out). And you would not believe the shit they say. Life stories, while annoying to hear over and over again from complete strangers I care nothing about, are not the worst of it. When you have RNF people think they can say or ask pretty much anything and you’ll go along with it. We’re the ones getting random suggestions on how to dress/look/act. We’re the ones getting asked for directions or threesomes. We’re the ones privy to the confessions of adulterers, people who hate their kids, and picky eaters. And when you’re an introvert that only has a certain amount of people interaction allotted for the day, this SUCKS.

2. People Trust You

One of the reasons people with RNF hear some pretty interesting tidbits from strangers is that we look trustworthy. If I was a more horrible human being, this would actually be soooo useful. Because that trust thing extends past random admissions from strangers.

When I was a teenager working at a local book store, somebody found an envelope of cash in the store and gave it to me. For safe-keeping? To find the owner? There was literally no information either in or on the envelope. There was quite a bit of money in that envelope. I should also note that the person who found and gave me this envelope was not a regular customer who could follow up on the conclusion of the random money and there was no one else in the store at the time to verify either (in case you’re wondering, it ended with me finding the customer who had dropped it. I know, sometimes I hate my honesty too). WHO TRUSTS A TEENAGER WITH LARGE AMOUNTS OF RANDOM CASH!?! People who fall under the spell of RNF, that’s who.

Need a more recent incident to convince you? I swear to god, while I was traveling frequently, a woman in the airport gave me her baby. I did not know this woman. I had not been talking to this woman, but her baby was staring at me a lot (another side effect of RNF). She had to go throw some stuff out and wash her hands. So she randomly had me hold her baby as she wandered off to do those things. She wandered OUT OF VIEW to do this, while I sat there holding a stranger’s baby. This is a true story, and sadly one of many wherein people have trusted me purely because my face radiates goodness and honesty.  

3. People Take Advantage of You

Of course the flip side of the coin is when people think you’re trustworthy, they also assume you’re trusting. People with Resting Nice Face look like easy marks. That’s the truth of the matter. You may have noticed those people at kiosks stop us every time we walk by. You really think they’re the only ones that try to take advantage of RNFers?

It can be little things. A RNF is more prone to being the table the waitress ignores during a busy rush, the person who gets cut in line, or the coworker that always has the extra projects dumped on them. We’re the ones the mechanics try to convince the car will explode unless we buy these five things. Apparently to many people, Resting Nice Face equates to “I Don’t Say No” face. While this may not be true, and a RNF may be entirely capable of sticking up for themselves, the fact of the matter is we get put in more situations where we have to say no.  Mercy on the poor soul who has Resting Nice Face AND says yes to everything (I think that would be my mother).

People push their luck with RNFs. Strangers start talking to you, and then realize “hey, her face still looks nice! She is totes okay with me continuing to talk. Maybe I should also pat her shoulder. Ooh and smell her hair.” They keep going and going until you finally reach the boundaries of politeness and have to pull out your jazzercise kickboxing moves (or whatever you go-to-get-rid-of-creepers move of choice may be) while the whole time YOUR FACE STILL HAS A PLEASANT EXPRESSION.

The struggle is real my friends. The struggle is real. 

Clueless - 20 Years, 20 Questions

You may not have realized it yet, but as of today the movie Clueless turns 20 years old. Hello! It’s time to talk about the magic that is Clueless in honor of this epic day.

I don’t remember when I first saw Clueless, but I have watched it many, many times since. It has taught me important things about life such as:

·      There’s nothing wrong with being a control freak (“I felt impotent and out of control. Which I really, really hate. I had to find sanctuary in a place where I could gather my thoughts and regain my strength...”)

·      Pretty much anything in life is negotiable (“Well, some teachers are trying to low-ball me, Daddy. And I know how you say, "Never accept a first offer", so I figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations.”)

·      It’s okay to wait to sleep with a guy (“You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.”)

Yet as much as I adore this movie, I still have several questions that have never been answered. To celebrate the 20-year anniversary I thought I’d share these questions with you, my darling readers, because maybe someone out there actually has the answers!

Questions I still have about Clueless:

·      What the hell is the dress code for this school? In one of the first scenes there is a girl wearing a full suit to school. A suit! Who does that? Never mind the ridiculous amount of skin everyone shows. Not only tiny skirts, but bare midriffs. This makes me sad that I can’t wear a tiny plaid skirt to work with over the knee stockings and have it be acceptable. Unfair!

·      How did Cher not realize that Elton wanted to jump her bones? No, really. He’s touching her all the time. He kisses her multiple times. I admit, when he asks for Tai’s picture that could throw her off a little but the overall evidence points towards him liking Cher. Now having just said that, I feel ridiculously hypocritical since I’m oblivious myself, but damnit Cher! You’re supposed to know things!

·      What the hell is the dinner protocol at Cher’s house? I cannot follow how it works. Is dinner at a set time? Why do Cher and Josh snack right before dinner? Does one person just realize dinner is ready and then yell at the others? Maybe I’m just confused because dinner in my house could be anytime between the hours of 5 to 11 at night, so having some sort of scheduled dinner seems odd.

·      How bad are these cheerleaders that they accidentally flash people while practicing? Oh what, you never noticed that? Why are they not wearing some sort of cheer shorts? Did Bring It On lie to me that this was a thing?

·      How does Lucy fit in Cher’s clothes? Cher tells Josh that she donates expensive outfits to Lucy, the maid. Lucy is short and squat. Cher is not. Assuming the clothes don’t fit, what does Lucy do with them? Sell them? Give them to somebody?

·      What the hell time of year does this movie start? It can’t be at the end of the semester, because Christian is supposed to spend one semester at each school, and he doesn’t show up until mid-movie. I assumed the grades were for the first quarter, but if you look at the report card when Cher gets her grades updated, the report period it says it’s for is the entire first semester. Yet when Cher and her dad discuss it they say it’s for the same semester and start talking about midterms and what not. WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHY ISN’T CHRISTIAN AT SCHOOL YET?!

·      How did Cher and Dionne end up with food at lunch, without going through line with Tai? Why did Tai have to get their pop? Also is Tai drinking both diet coke and milk? At the same lunch? Aw god that has to be a gross combination.

·      Why does Elton put the picture of Tai in his locker? I understand that this is from Emma, and in Emma he takes a picture that she painted. In Clueless all Cher did was point the camera and take a picture. That doesn’t require skill. I don’t understand. Is this only to create the confusion that maybe Elton does like Tai?

·      Why does Cher let Tai sit in the wrong seat at dinner? If your father always sits there, and you know he scares people, why set up your friend to piss him off immediately? It seems rude.

·      Who shaves their head in the middle of a party? No seriously, who in the middle of a party, at a stranger’s house, uses their razor and shaves their head?

·      Again, WHAT THE HELL TIME OF YEAR IS THIS?! If we assume they are in the second semester based on the report card and discussions above, why are they talking about taking yearbook photos?!? Isn’t that a beginning of the year thing?

·      So when Cher gets her phone stolen, she calls Josh. Why doesn’t she call Dionne? She says it’s because she doesn’t know the number of the party. Ok, that is probably true, but doesn’t she know Dionne’s cell? She knows the number for Josh’s dorm room and he’s had that phone number a half year at most. It’s not like Dionne doesn’t have her cell phone on her. Please, these girls even have their cells at gym class. I’m pretty sure she subconsciously just wanted a reason to call Josh.

·      “If I’m too good for him, how come I’m not with him?” Yes, this is a question they ask in the movie, but nobody ever answers it, and I’m pretty sure we have all continued to ask this at some point in our own lives.

·      How awkward is it that Cher tries to seduce Christian in her debate class, when Elton sits right behind her, and she just turned him down? I know Elton’s a jerk, but I do feel slightly bad for him. He’s stuck sitting behind her and watching her get flowers, and candy, and wear super revealing outfits… poor guy. Did this really never occur to Cher? Is she just ignoring Elton?

·      Why exactly did Tai come to the party when Cher’s out with Christian? Why didn’t Dionne? It seems rude to invite Tai when going with Christian on what Cher thinks is a date. Is that why Tai is in such an odd party outfit? Did Cher make her wear that so she’d could be there on the date but also be a non-threat? And if she notices that Tai is feeling left out, why not have her come over and dance with her and Christian?

·      Also, if this party is Josh’s friends, why are Elton and Amber there? Who the hell invited them? How would they know about the party? They are the only other people from Cher’s school that are there. I assume this is just so the movie can make Tai feel bad about life.

·      What time is Josh’s mom calling the house looking for him? It’s after the party and it seems late at night. She really calls up her ex’s house at like midnight or later to talk to her son? I mean maybe if it was an emergency, but this seems like a casual call. Also, is Josh the only person in this movie that doesn’t have a cell phone? No wait, he does, we saw it earlier.

·      Why does Josh for even a second think that Cher somehow passed the driver’s test? He’s been in the car with her. He knows how she drives. Maybe he thought she’d talk them into it, which is kind of scary.

·      How does Tai know to come to the ASL thing? It doesn’t seem like her and Cher were talking at this point. We haven’t seen her in any scenes since she was “way harsh.” We know she wasn’t talking to Travis anymore. Is she psychic? Did Dionne tell her?

·      How did I never notice before that the wedding at the end is held at Cher’s house? Also, who invites your teacher to have their wedding at your house? That seems incredibly weird, but I guess that’s par for the course for Cher. I wondered why she was a bridesmaid. I mean, in theory they don’t know she hooked them up. It’s probably because they’re using her house. It all makes sense now!

Despite the many questions, Clueless is still one of my go-to movies. I don’t know how one can watch it without feeling better about fashion and life. It also is now a fabulous movie for the “drink whenever something is outdated” game. Happy 20^th, Clueless!

37 Signs You May Love Books A Little Too Much

1. You have books stacked in front of books and are still running out of room on your shelves.

2. You are also running out of room on your counter.

3. And your table.

4. You are slightly in love with a fictional character.

5. You have cried over the death of a fictional character.

6. Pretty much all of your #friendshipgoals come from fictional characters.

7.  For that matter, most of your #relationshipgoals do too.

8. You have been known to lose track of time in a bookstore.

9. And in a library.

10.  And in bed when a good book is involved, which has probably resulted in more lost sleep than your entire sexual history so far.

11. You’ve ignored a call once or twice (or more) in order to finish reading the paragraph you’re on.

12. Two hours later, you realize you still haven’t checked nor returned the call because you kept reading.

13. Sometimes, you don’t even hear the call in the first place because you’re just so into the book.

14.  Several of your books have food stains from reading while you eat, because you can’t bear to stop.

15. They also have water stains, from reading in the bathtub.

16. One or two may also have lipstick stains because…. well that one is a long story.

17. You have ended friendships with people who refuse to return borrowed books.

18. You have ended relationships with people that say reading is “a waste of time when you could be out there, living life.”

19. When visiting friends, you have been known to become so intrigued with books you find at their house that you have to borrow them.

20. That’s the best-case scenario. You have also been known to visit a friend, find an interesting book at their house, and start reading then and there.

21. Three hours later you realize it’s three hours later and you’ve been completely ignoring your friend.

22. They may have even gone to sleep at this point. You don’t know until you start searching for them.

23. Amazingly enough they are actually okay with this, because you’ve done it before and they’re awesome enough to be understanding of your book problem.

24. Almost everyone you know has gotten you a book for a present at some point.

25. Or a gift card for a bookstore.

26. All of your good friends know there is at least one book (if not more) that they should never, ever mention unless they want to hear you rant about it for hours.

27. Actually, several of your coworkers know that too.

28.  In fact, so do some of the random people that you see every day on your commute.

29. Your ideal vacation is going to the beach, because then people are cool with you spending most of the day reading.

30. You love rainy days for the same reason.

31. Also winter… basically anything that can be an excuse to stay in with your books.

32. If you didn’t need to get food and more books, you might never leave the house.

33. You legitimately like books clubs.

34. For the book discussion, not for the food and wine.

35. You love jokes about how much people love books.

36. You also started a blog mainly to convince people that reading should be a sport.  

37. And to give you an online forum for all of your book rants.

My Dreams Are Trying to Kill Me

…and it’s rude.

Seriously, I am completely sick and tired (pun!) of all the ways in which my dreams cheat and attempt to give me more nightmares. It’s bad enough that I have bad dreams several times during the week. This conspiracy to turn them into nightmares is worse.

Oh, what’s that? You didn’t know there was a difference between a bad dream and a nightmare? You probably don’t even have nightmares, do you? Freaking lucky SOB.

The difference between a bad dream and a nightmare is normally defined by whether or not the dream forces you to wake up. Since I wake up randomly throughout the night regardless it’s a little hard for me to define the difference between what was “natural” and what was in the middle of a REM cycle, so I apply my own definition. If I wake up screaming or crying or with my heart racing and still very afraid, I consider it a nightmare. If I wake up calm, even if bad things were happening in the dream, I just consider it bad.

I don’t particularly like either type of dream because the worst thing is, I have the very unfortunate habit of falling back into the same dream when I go back to sleep. If this happens, it’s also very common for it to go from a bad dream to a nightmare because my dreams F*CKING CHEAT.

If I woke up calm because I had managed to hide from whatever was attempting to kill me, you can guarantee that when I fall back asleep my hiding place is discovered. If I had the situation under control because I had a weapon, it no longer works or changes into something else. I remember one zombie dream that infuriated me later because I had a gun, I had a safe area in sight, but all of the zombies had STEEL PLATES IN THEIR HEAD AND COULDN’T BE SHOT. WTF!?! HOW IS THAT FAIR!?!

Last night I had a total of 5 bad dreams/nightmares. 5. **5**. This is excessive. I even stayed awake from around 3 am to 5 because I absolutely knew I was going to be trapped in the same zombie dream and I didn’t want that to happen. Finally, I fell asleep and had another nightmare about being trapped in my car after it flipped. Woke up panicked, forgot to try and think about non-zombie things to trick my mind, fell back asleep, and sure enough had more zombie issues.

Logically bad dreams shouldn’t be a big deal. Keep in mind though that it is possible to die in your dreams, and I’m one of those “lucky” individuals that dies quite often. I mean sure, that doesn’t really kill me, but neither is it pleasant. And again, I have the habit of continuously falling back into the same dream. So I get to be murdered not once, but sometimes multiple times.

Let’s just say too that I decide to stay awake. This is the obvious answer to win the game when your dreams cheat. Good plan, except I’m also blessed with a constitution that responds to things like not sleeping enough with violent nausea. I know, I know, being me is such a joy.

The good news is I have stumbled upon a possible solution. You see, I’ve finally realized that I have the most nightmares on the nights when I take my contacts out (and that just adds to the bundle of fun, because now I get to wake up screaming and be completely unable to see, yay!!!). Most likely it’s because I have a deep fear that if I’m ever attacked, it will be while I’m somewhat blind and more vulnerable. Years of watching Scooby Doo as a child have warped my brain. I try to leave in my contacts as much as possible to help with this, but I decided a month or two ago that maybe this should be the year I actually get eye surgery.  Then I reconsidered, because I feel like they don’t let you drive yourself home from eye surgery and I hate cabs, but after my doozy of a night I’m leaning towards it once more.

Plus I suppose the bright side of having nightmares more often than not is that it gives me writing fuel. If I wrote happy, sappy, love stories good dreams would probably be more effective, but as it is I like to write things where I need to tap into feelings of terror or hopelessness. Done and done.

Soccer Saves

In case you didn’t realize from all the Tim Howard memes (not that I’m complaining, I kinda want him to father my children), soccer is finally starting to be more of a “thing.” I am, of course, specifically talking about here in America. We’re a little late to the soccer bandwagon. Of course the majority of us are going to jump back off the wagon, wait four more years, and then climb back on. It’s a bit ridiculous.

Personally, I like soccer. I wish it was more popular here. I’m not saying I don’t like football, because you know I do, but I hate how much people hate on soccer. We used to go to professional soccer games when I was a kid, and I can honestly tell you I enjoyed them more than any time I’ve been talked into watching baseball, hockey, tennis, or golf. And I’m not even talking about watching on tv, but going to an event.

But I’m not here to trash your favorite sport; I’m here to talk about soccer. Back in the day I used to play a little. I don’t really remember why I started playing. With ballet, for example, I specifically remember dying to be a ballerina. Trumpet was an attempt to escape piano lessons since my parents insisted on being musical. But soccer? No idea. It might have been a decision by my parents to give my brother and me some social skills since we were homeschooled at that point. It might have been us asking to play. It doesn’t really matter; the end result was I LOVED IT.

We used to play all year round in various leagues. Winter was the worst simply because it sucked playing indoors, but I’d bet my poor parents appreciated the respite from sitting in the heat all day long. I’m pretty sure at some point I even did some soccer camp thing that involved practicing for literally hours every day for weeks, and I loved that too.

Maybe I needed different glasses...

Still, there were a few things I didn’t like about soccer. I never was very good at hitting the ball with my head. Generally, when I tried, I managed to knock off my glasses. Try being in the middle of a game and having a Velma moment – it sucks. Once I even managed to knock myself out. No brain damage (says me), but I distinctly remember waking up and trying to figure out why I was on the ground and what was happening. I stopped trying to head bunt it for awhile after that.

Another thing that sucked – they generally made us rotate positions. This did nothing but piss me off. Especially when they made me play goalie. The entire reason I like soccer is that my hand-eye coordination is crap. So yeah, let’s put me in the goal to catch/block balls flying at my face. Brilliant. Luckily this didn’t happen too often (lucky both for my team, and for my stress levels), but one of my coaches was very insistent on me playing forward somewhat regularly. This made absolutely no sense to me. I liked playing defense. Why make me play offense when you know I hate it (and trust me, I made sure everyone knew my feelings on the matter)??

One of my biggest life regrets is that I stopped playing soccer. I’ve mentioned before that quitting is one of my worst habits. Soccer is a little odd in that I actually rather support the reasoning behind why I quit. It stopped being fun, and I think you should do what you enjoy. But it wasn’t because of the game itself, but because of people’s reactions to it.

He was adorable, but crazy

If you think I’m crazy, talk to my brother about soccer. It’s getting to almost 20 years since we played, and he will still go on a rant about that championship game they lost because “the refs were bribed.” Seriously, he was a little 8 or 9 year old running around SCREAMING because he was convinced the refs were working for the other team. The sad thing is there were a LOT of people like that. Not my parents, thankfully, but other parents on the team, parents from the other teams, even the other players would all go bat-shit crazy about things. I didn’t like it. While I personally wasn’t getting yelled at too much, I started playing in constant fear that if I did make mistakes, someone would flip out about it.

My coworkers and I were comparing soccer stories as we watched the USA match, and one of the nicest guys there told us about one of his last games as a kid when the other team’s families kept yelling to “take out that little fat boy!” (him being the fact boy). That’s awful, and that’s not even the worst example I could come up with. We can pretend words don’t hurt all we want, but they do, and when you’re a child they shape your perception of yourself. Is it so surprising that he quit that year?

So I understand why I quit, but on the other hand I really wish that I had stuck it out for two main reasons.

1. People are jerks. While it’s appalling that we treat our children this way and I am in no way excusing the behavior, we have to learn to expect it. By continuing to quit activities when they turned stressful and had too many expectations, I merely learned to avoid stress and negativity, not how to actually deal with it. This is why I had no good stress busting habits until in my 20s. 

2. I like how I felt when I played soccer. In a word, I felt empowered. You may not believe this (no one ever does), but I was a defensive TANK. I once managed to even knock my coach down when he tried to get past me. Clearly, it didn’t happen. I was a very aggressive player on defense. I was confident on the field at an age where I otherwise felt awkward and ridiculous. I miss that feeling.

And that is the main moral to this otherwise rambling post. When I think about quitting soccer, I still understand my reasons, but I am ashamed that I let people take away my joy without at least trying to work through it. Don’t give up on what really makes you happy. But don’t expect it to always be easy either. Sometimes we need some growing pain to actually, you know, grow.

You Are What You Read

The other day I was swapping books with my friend Kevin. I brought him Game of Thrones because everyone should read it, and I was perusing his book options and grabbed Ender’s Game. I then found another book I wanted to borrow, but instead of giving it up immediately Kevin wanted to know if I was currently reading something.

For people that read in a linear fashion, this question was appropriate. The issue was that Kevin had not yet read the book I wanted to borrow, so he was trying to determine if I would get through Ender’s Game, this book, and another book if I was reading one before he would finish his current book and Game of Thrones. I don’t really think of books that way, so it was a new concept for me. I’m now wondering if that’s how most people read: one book after another in the order you get them.

As for me, typically I’m reading around 3 books at a time.

This is a large part of why my house always looks cluttered. As I glance around my living room there are currently 11 books sitting around. I long ago started running out of space on my bookcase, so I now keep various stacks of books. Some are meant to go back to friends, some I’m just getting rid of, and I currently have a stack of books I’m debating whether or not to keep.

How many of those books am I currently reading? Well, not all 11. That would be excessive.

This week, I find myself in the midst of several books. I’ve been reading Les Miserables since the end of December. Unfortunately I have it on my iPad, so I rarely read it at home. I’m still torn on the e-reader debate. There are definitely some benefits. I actually downloaded Les Miserables while stuck in an airport. When traveling, it is convenient to be able to take my iPad with several books on it and not worry about finishing them and running out of reading material. However, it drives me insane that I can’t read while a plane is taking off or landing. Inevitably I end up taking both my iPad and one regular book.

It’s a very rare case where I can bring myself to read off the iPad at home. I prefer the feel of a real book. I can make exceptions for book club selections when I’m trying to read something by a specific date, but otherwise I just find myself waiting until the next time I travel.

So while I am currently reading Les Miserables, I have no plans to finish it in the near future.

I have two other books that I’ve been reading for quite awhile. In This Skin, by Simon Clark, and Dead City. Both are horror stories, and I’m about halfway through both. I stopped reading for now though because they were FREAKING ME OUT. I do like a good horror story, but eventually I get to this point where I have to stop or I won’t be able to sleep at night.

Back in college, I could more easily finish these kinds of books because I was constantly living with other people. It was perfectly okay for me to sit and read while everyone else watching tv or played a video game. I don’t really have that opportunity much anymore. What am I going to do, call my friends up and say “hey can you come sit around my house while I read a scary story?” Nope. I’m holding both of these books until the summer. I do much better out by the pool. Warmth and sunshine are still very acceptable methods of keeping the boogie men at bay.

What am I actively reading in the house? About four books. One I’m actually re-reading, and that would be The Lady of the Forest. Since I’ve read it many, many times before there’s no sense of urgency. Another book I just started is Neverland. I’m finding it hard to read. Typically I like to read while I’m snacking, or eating dinner. This book has been quite descriptive, and there’s a hardcore ick factor to it. I may end up saving it for the summer as well. Then I have The Forest House, which I think I started Wednesday after finishing Sex, Lies, and Online Dating. It’s good so far, but will probably take a bit to get through. The last book I’m actively reading is The White Queen by Philippa Gregory. I’m a little over halfway through but they’ve killed off some of the characters I like, and I can’t decide whether I’m invested enough in the main character to finish or not.

That’s why besides those four, I have two other books you could say I’m “reading.” I started both The Needle in the Blood and Mona Lisa Awakening in the last few weeks, but I haven’t gotten very far in either, and at this point I’m pretty sure I’m just not going to read them.

There are many books in the world I have started, but never finished. This can happen for various reasons. If I don’t like the main character, if I heartily disagree with something they do in the book, if I don’t like the writing, or if at the end of the day I’m just not sucked in.

In Mona Lisa Awakening and The Needle in the Blood I like neither the characters or writing. I haven’t yet firmly decided to give up on them. Again, I’m not very far in either book. Maybe it gets better? But with so many other options I haven’t felt like devoting the time to books I don’t particularly like.

Surely this is how other people read as well?

So I guess I can understand Kevin’s concern that I might not finish a book before he’s ready for it. On the other hand, I borrowed Ender’s Game on Friday, and I finished it yesterday. Why? Because it was AWESOME. When I focus on a book I get through it very quickly. That at least must be the same for everyone that reads.