When Rangers Make You Randy

Apparently the Green Ranger is coming to Austin in November for Comic Con! I found out a few weeks ago and I have been super excited. I may actually go. I say this not because I am against going to cons, but because as my friend Erin has already discussed we keep planning to go to Dragon Con and failing at it. But I think I’m legit going to make the Austin Comic Con happen, if for no other reason than the fact that the Green Ranger will be there.

Now I don’t talk about the Power Rangers as much as other things (like Vampire Diaries and jazzercise, which you’ve heard about many a time) but I have certainly mentioned them before. When the Power Rangers came out all the kids in my neighborhood fell in love with the show. We jostled over who got to be which ranger. Luckily this was when I was the alpha of the group (as opposed to later in the days of the Spice Girls when my friend Bri was alpha and we had to follow her rulings) so I got dibs on the Pink Ranger.

If you aren’t familiar with the Power Rangers, it was a group of teenagers that were given special coins that allowed them to “morph” into ninja warriors that also had “zords” which were basically like giant machines they used to fight giant monsters. It was rather ingenious that the teenagers weren’t born special but got their powers from an outside source, so they could easily switch out characters when necessary.

Initially there were 5 rangers – Red, Pink, Yellow, Blue, and Black. Pink and Yellow were girls (duh), Red was the leader, and in a racist twist that was delightfully overlooked the first year the Yellow Ranger was Asian, and the Black Ranger was African American.

I loved the Pink Ranger, Kimberly. She was pretty, a gymnast, and of course at the time seemed powerful and in control. Like the other rangers, she wore her color at all points, so she was always wearing some wonderful 90s fashion in pink. I fully blame this show for the disaster that was my pink bedroom. Pink walls, pink carpets… and I was stuck with it for YEARS.

Anyway, Tommy Oliver, the Green Ranger, showed up in season 1 but was initially a bad guy. He was from a rival school or something, was just as good as the Red Ranger in martial arts (oh did I forget to mention they all know martial arts? Power Rangers is also to blame for all the kids that suddenly decided they needed to do karate, which includes my brother), and so Rita Repulsa made him her evil minion.

MEANWHILE, there was all sorts of tension between him & Kimberly despite him being a bad guy. Eventually Tommy became a good guy, and later he became the White Ranger and was the new leader of the gang. Kimberly and Tommy were an adorable couple, and all was right in the world. 

Seriously, tell me you didn't want that back in the day

Tommy Oliver was my first fictional character crush. Actually now that I think of it, Power Rangers is probably also to blame for my previously discussed problem where I habitually prefer bad guys/guys that are kind of dicks. Huh, apparently Power Rangers is almost solely responsible for all the problems in life. Don’t let that stop you from watching it though! If I had the original seasons I’d watch that in a hot second. As it is I frequently turn to the Power Rangers movie when I need an emotional boost.

But anyway, the Green Ranger was like girl fantasy candy. He was hot, strong, evil, but seemed to have hints of good because of his feelings for Kimberly. Even when he became good he was witty, dependable, protective, and still super sexy.

I didn’t realize how deeply Power Rangers was embedded in my subconscious until the other day when my friend tried to pull his hair into a ponytail, reminded me vaguely of the Green Ranger, and all of a sudden I was like !!!!!!!!!

They say you always remember your first love. Maybe you always remember your first fictional crush as well. I should probably figure out if I’ve been unconsciously trying to find a guy like the Green Ranger and that’s half my problem, but that can wait for another retrospective lazy weekend.

We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

So I’m a little late to the game with this, but this evening I happened to find the “documentary” Megalodon and decided to watch it. I remembered that a few weeks ago when I was traveling I saw my Facebook feed blow up with mentions of megalodon but had no idea what was going on, was too busy to find out, and was so exhausted by the time I got home that I forgot all about it.

I actually had a little bit of background on megalodons before watching the show. Why? Well, remember the 5 Ways I Definitely Don’t Want to Die and how I’m crazy terrified of sharks? As I mentioned I’ve ALWAYS been afraid of sharks. It’s not something that developed after watching some movie or tv show. It’s an instinctive fear. In fact, I am mildly convinced I was eaten (or bitten) by a shark in a past life.

But anyway, my parents realized pretty quickly that I was a little insane on this issue, and they tried various approaches to handle the situation. Clearly, none of those attempts were effective. However some of them, like the “suck it up” method, at least taught me to try and act normal in public. Others might have actually made things worse. See my parents thought it would be a good idea if I learned more about sharks. After all, the facts prove how unlikely it is to be attacked by a shark, let alone die from an attack.

My mother got me an adorable kid’s book about sharks. It had very nice drawings and all sorts of important facts. She pointed out that baby sharks were called “pups” to make them seem more loveable. She highlighted the sharks that can’t even bite people, like the whale shark. We even bought a few “baby sharks,” which were fish that looked like little sharks, so they’d be in our fish tank and I’d get familiar with them.

The problem was this didn’t make me any less afraid of sharks, but I developed a strange addiction to learning more about them. I did a project on sharks in high school. I buy books on shark attacks. Every time I see an article online about sharks I read it. I draw the line at watching shark week, because seeing them in action is terrifying.

Megalodons were mentioned in that first book from my mother about sharks. Of course it highlighted the fact that they were extinct. Over the years I’ve read a few articles when people have new theories about megalodons. Then, I foolishly read the “Meg” fiction series about megalodons still existing in the trenches of the ocean. So it’s fair to say I’m familiar with them.

When I saw the “Megalodon: The Monster Shark Lives” listing I assumed it was just a documentary talking more about the shark and their theories on it. I jumped in almost an hour into the show. You can imagine my confusion when they were talking like there’s really a possibility the megalodon is still around, and possibly tied to some recent whale and boat attacks.

Due to the way I was lying on the couch, I happened to have my hand resting against my throat, and not even 5 minutes into the show I could literally feel my pulse going wild. Within 8 minutes, I had to text my father because I was already starting to panic about the idea that maybe megalodons were swimming merrily around the coasts. Thank goodness he pays more attention to life than me and knew it was a hoax.

Even knowing it wasn’t real for the rest of the documentary, I almost had a mild heart attack when they decided to try and tag the shark near the end. I was doing my fair share of screaming at the screen. I mean seriously, you’re trying to catch a megalodon and you don’t have like a battleship?? Not only did their main boat seem way too tiny to me, but they put people in a CAGE and then had to rescue them in tiny little speed boats. OMG are TRYING to make me die of panic??

This is why I don’t watch Shark Week.

The good news is that there’s no current evidence of megalodon. Phew.

Should there ever be even a hint that megalodons are still alive, I may never enter the ocean again.

It’s been an ongoing struggle just to go swimming at the beach, and that’s in places like Rohobeth that aren’t really known for their shark attacks. I refused to go on a cruise for years because I hate being on boats in the water. It’s not that I think a shark is going to capsize the boat (that’s just crazy), but what if it sinks for some other legit reason? I’d still be in the water in the middle of nowhere.

I was heavily impressed with myself when I did a cruise with friends a few years ago. Even better, I managed to talk myself into snorkeling, which was an absolutely amazing experience. I’m so glad I did it.  Of course you may wonder, how exactly did I get over my fear for this? Well, I made all my guy friends going in the water with me swear that if a shark attacked they would drag me back to the beach no matter what, and I stayed near someone at all times, and still was in a constant state of anxiety the whole time in the water. Honestly, I’m amazed I’m alive.

But if I even start to suspect there’s megalodons running amuck, you’re going to have some work convincing me that even something like a cruise ship is big enough for safety.