It's My "Party" and I Won't Have It If I Don't Want To

To quote Cher from Clueless, “I don’t want to be a traitor to my generation and all…” but I don’t get weddings. I don’t. Marriage? I guess I can understand that. It’s not something I need, but I get it. I’m totally okay with people wanting to spend their life together, and wanting a way to signal that commitment.

You may be asking right now, “well, isn’t that what a wedding is, you giant, hypocritical ignoramus?”

Friends, in my opinion, it really, REALLY, is not. Hold the phone and read more before you start yelling at me.

Let’s start with the history of weddings. You probably just went through a few, because, ya know, SUMMER WEDDINGS!! Do you know why summer weddings are so popular? June is the month associated with Juno, the Roman goddess of marriage and childbearing. Weddings in her month were considered especially fortuitous and fertile. Considering how many layers the wedding party’s attire typically consists of, I find summer weddings a curiously sweaty decision, but that’s neither here nor there. I’m also not a big fan of Juno (the goddess, not the movie), but that’s because I neither like ancient Romans nor women who let their man cheat all over the place.  

Did you read pay attention to that last sentence? The ancient Roman goddess of marriage was most well known for getting to be “that wife” that continuously watched her husband cheat on her.  That’s actually pretty common in ancient mythology because the thing is, old-time marriage sucked. Women got the shit end of the stick. If they didn’t get married they were a burden to their parents. If they did get married, they were the property of their spouse and basically had to go along with whatever the man wanted. In most societies they had no legal rights. In many cases, they were trapped in the marriage with no end in sight unless the guy died.

Here in the United States, marriage today isn’t that bad. For starters, no one is forced to get married, it’s a choice. Legally, both parties are equal. Either party can dissolve the marriage. Yay for progress!

But did you know that almost all of our common wedding traditions stem from this history of marriage being sucktastic for women? Here are just a few, A FEW, examples:

·         The whole reason the bride’s family gets the fun job of paying for everything? Because way back when, women were such a HUGE inconvenience to life that a family literally PAID OFF THE GUY to marry their daughter. This was called a dowry, because that sounds nicer than something like “FUCKING TAKE THIS BITCH FROM US bribe money.”

·         Why is there a bridal party? Because even further back in time, the way you got a wife was to go kidnap her. For realz. So a guy would round up his buddies (the groomsmen) to go attack the family with the hottie daughter and steal her to be his treasured babymaker.

·         The tender moment when the father gives away the bride? More property-tradition in action! It reenacts the exchange of property, that the bride no longer “belongs” to her father, and now is the glowing goods of the husband.

I swear friends, I’m not trying to be all super-feminist here, but seriously? You want me to be excited for these things?

And that is probably the main reason I don’t get weddings. Marriage is fine and dandy and has progressed, but somehow, not only have weddings stayed steeped in really stupid traditions, but they are sold to little girls as THE THING WE WANT MOST* (until we start craving babies, that is). It is the BIGGEST DAY OF OUR LIVES! It is the day that THE BRIDE COMES FIRST! ALL HAIL THE BRIDE!

…but why?

If you are getting married and you treat your wedding as what it is – a celebration of two people committing to each other, that’s great! I am totes on board!

But instead, it’s treated as this massive achievement by the bride. Not the groom, it’s looked on for him as an ending. The end of fun, the end of freedom, etc. But for the bride? Huge achievement! She locked that dude down! Woot woot!

Wwhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?  

There are many things about weddings that frankly, I just don’t like, and that is my opinion and very likely different from yours. I think though that the main issue I have with weddings is that they are the perfect example of the utter impossibility of being a woman. Sure, the institution of marriage may be better for us these days, but weddings still suck out the bride’s soul.

We treat them as this amazing achievement (as I already said and you may have guessed I’m not really thrilled about that fact either) for the bride, but we’re not there celebrating her. Oh no, we’re there to judge. That’s why she needs to look her best, why which china is used actually matters, and why the baker damn well better not f*** up the cake or shit is going to get real. Because the bride knows as she’s planning this “party” that for the rest of her life, people will remember and judge her based on how she looks, how she acts, and whether or not she played to their preferred traditions. They will complain if she doesn’t serve the drinks they like, or have their favorite dessert, or *gasp* if she bans children. No one will care that it’s her wedding. Oh, they’ll smile at her and say she looks nice, but you better believe the minute the ceremony is over everyone is gathering and comparing what they thought about it (i.e. complaining. There is a shocking amount of complaining at weddings).   

It’s not a celebration of marriage. It’s Day 1 of us judging this woman as a wife. And the best part for her? EVERYBODY gets to get in on the judgment. It’s not like Day 1 of judging her as a worker, which is limited to people at her job. Or Day 1 of judging her as a friend, which is limited to her social group. You don’t need to be married to weigh in on whether you thought the wedding was a flop or a hit. Hell, you don’t even need to have gone to the wedding to feel entitled to tell her that the dress is outdated and throwing rice is so passé. YEAH, BECAUSE SHE CAN CHANGE THAT NOW.

All in all, I’m surprised more women don’t turn into brizezillas and/or maim someone during the course of the wedding.

I’m sure I’ve ruffled a few feathers here and if I’ve been to your wedding, I swear it was lovely. No offense is meant. All I’m really saying is let’s be real and acknowledge that weddings are a ton of work, a ton of stress, and a matter of preference, and ya’ll need to stop trying to shove this idea down my throat that having a perfect wedding is the goal of my existence.

A Question of Workouts

I am experiencing a crisis of faith. Not in religion or politics or those other silly things people spend all their time debating, but the real important area of my life – jazzercise.

For those who don’t have the pleasure of seeing me in person, it may shock you to know (especially since I used to talk about it all the time) that I haven’t been consistently going to jazzercise for almost two years now. This is because of my knee. It is a fail knee. It should not have passed inspection.

Back in April 2014, while at jazzercise, something went horribly, horribly wrong. I stepped out for a lunge and immediately felt something in my knee hate me. Being me, I finished class. I could walk at first, but the more I tried to power through the evening  the stiffer it became, until eventually the entire knee locked up and I could no longer bend it. This continued for a few weeks with the knee doing better in the morning and consistently getting worse as the day went on. Eventually, I went to a doctor, and per their suggestion did MULTIPLE MONTHS of physical therapy. This didn’t really fix the problem so I went back to the doctor, and they basically said stop doing stuff and rest. And thus began a cycle of me “resting” my knee by doing literally NOTHING for a bit, then trying to strengthen it up, and then just merely walking too much in a day would regress it back to being locked up and sucking at life.

It has been frustrating. And while at this point it’s doing the best so far since the initial incident, that’s because I have pretty much changed my entire lifestyle to avoid doing things that irritate my knee. That includes driving. I now drive entirely with my left foot (don’t worry, I’m really good at it by this point. It’s not illegal, right? I have yet to investigate).

Workouts have been one of the most frustrating parts. When I injured my knee I was at my peak. I was going to jazzercise 4-7 times a week, walking to hit 10,000 steps each day, and starting to do some ab routines at home as well. I looked and felt great. During the first year of injury I tried doing other workouts like swimming or walking that are low impact and were recommended, and I still ran into problems if I tried to do as much as I wanted. I purchased PiYo during one of the good periods, but found that the intense schedule of several days of working out in a row was doing more harm than good. My goal throughout it all was to find something I could do in order to build up the muscles and get back to jazzercise.

I’m kind of at that point now, but it’s still not ideal.

I have been able to walk or do workout videos at home for a few months without setback. Buoyed by this success I went to one jazzercise class in November, and one again this past weekend.

The great news is I could make it through the whole class and didn’t hurt myself. Yay!

The troublesome news is that it wasn’t very satisfying. In order to not hurt myself, I had to modify a LARGE amount of the routine. I thought it would be okay, because as any good jazzerciser knows there is typically both a low-impact and high-impact version of the song. But I’ve never done the low-impact before, so I don’t immediately know what it is. While the instructors will show you the low-impact version, what I found is that several times they do it halfway through the song. I totally understand that with pacing and whatnot this may be necessary. It doesn’t really help me though. I spend the first half of the song rambling about like a buffoon, and mainly just doing side steps because I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.

The other problem is that jazzercise is now focusing on several different class types. This last weekend I ended up in a Strength class. This class doesn’t really have the cardio aspect but rather uses the routines you normally have at the end to strengthen muscles. Almost all of the routines were standing. And guess what? Standing legs consists mainly of squats and lunges, NEITHER of which I can do more than a few comfortably.

I suppose I could have tried and figured out something to do on the floor, but that would mean I’m completely messing up the room to go try and come up with my own routine. At which point, why am I even at jazzercise?

What I used to love so much about jazzercise were things like the music, the dancing, the camaraderie, and feeling accomplished with myself for working out. On Saturday, I liked the music and seeing some old friends, but that was about it. I felt more frustrated than anything because I couldn’t do so much of the routine. I felt the same even when I was in the normal class in November, so I’m not sure that’s going to change.

Am I over jazzercise?

I truly hope that at some point my knee will be more stable and I will be able to fully participate again, but for now (and possibly months or *gulp* years to come), I’m wondering if jazzercise IS NO LONGER RIGHT FOR ME.

This feels so wrong to say, like I’m renouncing the beliefs of my childhood.

But here’s the thing, if I don’t feel good about exercising I’m not going to do it.

I know what works for me. I need a routine to follow. I need to be able to modify when necessary without feeling like I’m throwing others off, and I need to have a routine that I modify sparingly, not something where I’m changing basically the entire damn workout. Because I am so unexpectedly social these days, I also need to be able to fit my workouts in when I can instead of going to a dedicated class every night.

I’ve found all these things by staying in and using a combination of walking and workout videos I enjoy (Tracy Anderson to name one, which targets all the muscles physical therapy really wanted me to focus on). I still get motivated by talking to others or doing online challenge groups. I was doing this as a placeholder to returning to jazzercise, but at this point, do I even want to return full time?  

And I swear to god if one more person suggests weight-lifting as an alternative, I WILL HIT THEM. OH, YOU THINK NO ONE HAS EVER MADE THAT SUGGESTION BEFORE!?! IN WHAT WAY IS THAT ANYTHING LIKE JAZZERCISE OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT IT IS EXERCISE? WHILE WE’RE SUGGESTING RANDOM ASS EXERCISE OPTIONS, WHAT ABOUT WATER BALLET?!

Oh hold up, that one might actually be interesting…