Captain Subtext

 

I’ve been in a Coupling kind of mood recently, so I decided to rewatch season 2. Oh how I love Coupling. If you’ve never watched Coupling, it’s a British comedy show revolving around 6 friends and sex. I’ve never watched Friends much, but I think it’s the same idea with just a whole lot more dirty jokes. 

I was particularly enjoying the episode Her Best Friend’s Bottom as there was frequent bottom-mentioning and we know I am currently on a kick about my possibly expanding behind. Plus, this is the episode with Captain Subtext.

See there’s this one character Jeff who is just a bit insane. He’s very awkward and neurotic, and is always revealing the fascinating and scary ways in which his mind works. He introduces wonderful things like the giggle loop, the sock gap, and Captain Subtext.

Captain Subtext is an imaginary hero that lived in Jeff’s attic. He had secret conferences with Jeff’s mother, telling her whenever Jeff lied and punishing him by removing “segments” of Jeff’s privates. He could pick up the subtext of any conversation, and by the end of the episode his magic truth helmet is used to show what everyone is really saying.

Turns out this was a doubly appropriate episode, as I was just talking to my friend Jenn the other day about how I think I can’t pick up on conversational subtext.

Initially, I thought I just couldn’t pick up on guys hitting on me. Actually to be honest, I didn’t even pick up on it initially, friends had to point it out. In my defense I think it’s much easier to notice these types of things when you’re observing, instead of it actually happening to you. It seemed totally natural to me to assume that the guy at KFC asking about where I lived probably just needed directions.

Then I started to suspect that maybe I just don’t know all the proper “codes.” Like when I guy asks if I want a drink, and I say “no” because I already have a drink or I’m not thirsty, apparently that actually means “no” as in I’m not interested. Or if you tell a guy friend they can stay at your place, apparently some guys think it’s code that you’re coming on to them even when you’re not.

Now I’m thinking maybe it’s not that I don’t know all these codes, but that I’m just constantly missing the subtext in conversations. I’ve had it come up recently with female friends as well where I realize (or someone tells me later) that I missed the focus of what we were really discussing.

There’s a moment in You’ve Got Mail where Meg Ryan’s character, Kathleen, complains about how she always thinks of the perfect comeback after a conversation is over. I don’t have this problem with comebacks. I do, however, have this problem with almost every other type of conversation. Hours later, I realize that my friend was hinting they also wanted an invitation to go out that night. Or, the next day, I realize that a guy gave me a perfect lead in to suggest a date that I just completely overlooked. My problem is I take everything at face value. Like Patrick from Coupling, I think you’ll find that “not everybody has a subconscious” and I don’t really believe that “people say one thing and mean another.”  

I’m hoping that now that I’ve realized this problem, maybe it’ll get better. Maybe I’ll be more attentive to people and start hearing what they’re really saying.

Sadly, I doubt this. I’m pretty sure it’s tied in with my general lack of observational skills. Keep in mind, I’m the person that has hit my head twice this week because I didn’t notice how close I was to a wall.

Maybe I should start issuing warnings to all my friends. Maybe I should make a shirt or something. Instead of a medical bracelet, have a social skills bracelet alerting anyone that interacts with me that they need to be far more literal.

Oh well, I’ll figure it out eventually. Plenty of time to learn the social conventions everyone else apparently gets at birth. At least I own the complete box set of Coupling! I’m going to end with some of my favorite dialogue from the episode, because if you haven’t watched Coupling yet, you really need to get on that.

Jeff: Do you know what she’ll really be asking? Do you know what Captain Subtext would say?

Steve: …Captain Subtext?

Jeff: She’ll be saying, do you fancy my best friend?

Steve: And who is… Captain Subtext?

Jeff: So what will you tell her when she asks you that?

Steve: The truth!

Jeff: But you do fancy her, everybody fancies Sally.

Steve: Ok… I’ll tell her a lie.

Jeff: She’ll know.

Steve [sarcastically]: What, will Captain Subtext tell her?

Jeff: Heh, Captain Subtext isn’t a real person, Steve.