For the Few: Snow White & The Huntsman

If you haven’t seen Snow White & The Huntsman, you might not want to read this. I have some strong opinions about the movie and want to talk about them. I’m not going to completely hedge my words so I don’t give away plot points. No filter, guys. POTENTIAL SPOILER ALERT!

My first year of college I took a class on horror films, and one of our course books was all about filmography so we could learn to properly critique the movies we watched. Not even going to lie, I only read the first assignment, which was all about mise-en-scène. We watched a movie every week and had to write a short journal every week, so I had a LOT of entries about mise-en-scène. Sadly, I have no mise-en-scène comments about Snow White & The Huntsman, so this is really just me rambling my opinions.

The first part of the movie was excellent. I hate Kristen Stewart, so I wasn’t sure I could get past that. At the beginning though, I could. I love Charlize Theron as Ravenna. She is absolutely amazing. The visuals of the film are stunning.

Sure, there were a few things at the beginning that weren’t perfect. Some of the initial interactions between Snow White and the Huntsman (seriously, he doesn’t have a name, so from now on we’re calling him TH) were rather awkward. They have this deep conversation about drinking away sorrows that felt entirely too forced no matter how sexy I found TH.

Then, they’re randomly walking through the forest and all of a sudden TH decides he’s going to teach Snow White how to kill people. Literally, the scene starts with them walking, and for no rhyme or reason TH just turns around and starts teaching her how to stab someone.

I am super happy I got to see this movie with my friend Jenn, so we could sit and make snarky comments to each other. This was a snarky comment moment. I mean really, this scene is so pointed it’s obvious it’s going to have some bearing on the plot. And they couldn’t find any way to casually introduce this to the viewers, instead of just shoving it in our faces?

Seriously, same scene.

Past that moment I was into it again for a while. I did feel like the whole hart spirit scene was totally copied from Miyazaki’s Princess Mononoke, but whatever.

It wasn’t until Snow White dies that things really start falling apart.

Let me say first of all the movie is long, and it feels long. And it honestly feels like the people making the movie decided it was too long, so they just tried to jumble everything together into a quick, crap ending.

Halfway through the movie, Jenn and I were like “I need to own this!” By the end of the movie, we were like “really?? No, really??”

Because after Snow White dies, everything just becomes completely implausible so they could quickly finish the movie. TH makes some moving speech and kisses her, and of course all of us that know the story know it brings her back to life. Yet somehow although his love is what brings her back, they don’t manage to find time for a private conversation until they’re sitting on horses about to enter battle. Ok, ok, you’re busy plotting to overthrow an evil queen, but I’m pretty freaking sure you can make time to say something more than “hey” to the woman you love that just came back from the dead.

Then too, whereas in the first part of the movie Snow White is special for things like her purity and courage, all of a sudden when she comes back to life she’s giving (not) rousing speeches to stir the populace to war, making battle plans, and deflecting arrows with her arm. At what point did she learn this stuff?? She was locked in a tower the majority of her life. I seriously doubt there’s a War for Dummies class in heaven/purgatory/wherever-the-heck-she-was-when-dead.

But for argument’s sake, let’s say there was. Sun Tsu’s in the afterlife giving lectures. Well somehow they also have armor ready to go that fits her. Not even like just chainmail that could somewhat fit anyone. Like fitted armor. And what’s more, she moves in it just fine. Armor is heavy. I mean it’s pounds and pounds of metal; of course it’s heavy. Yet Snow White is maneuvering like it’s nothing. What, was she hitting the gym in the afterlife too??

Of course they win the battle, and all is right with the world. And then the most annoying part of the movie happens. Snow White is crowned, and she sits there and breathes. For minutes. Just sitting there breathing.

I’m not entirely sure what Kristen Stewart was going for when she sat there breathing. Regal breathing? Epic breathing? Chest-heaving breathing? It’s up there in my top 20 of most ridiculous scenes ever. And then TH shows up, not bowing cuz he’s bamf, and he nails a longing look across the unwashed masses, while Snow White… breathes. Is this now longing breathing? Totally didn’t know such a thing exists. Or that it looks exactly like regal/epic breathing.

If someone wants to fix the last 20 minutes of the movie, I think I will love it. Until then, I think I need to mock it, frequently. It’s really just a way to deal with my own disappointment.