Evil Sandwich Attack

Do you have any weird quirks that sometimes make you go “man, I wish I were normal?” For the most part I embrace my weirdness. I’m a proud neek. But there is a certain idiosyncrasy of mine that I WOULD ABSOLUTELY change if possible.

It’s my sandwich issue.

I am a picky eater. I will admit this. Certain tastes just don’t appeal to me. Certain textures make me want to gag. And let’s not even talk about smell.

The scary thing is that I’m actually much better with my eating tendencies than I used to be. My friends are amazed at all the stuff I can eat now that I used to reject. Part of it is just evolving taste buds. Part is my new willingness to try things with an open mind. The “open mind” bit is the important word there. I used to agree to try things, having already decided I wouldn’t like it. As a Taurus, once I decide something it’s a lost cause. I don’t care if you give me ambrosia, if I had already decided to dislike it, I will swear up and down it’s disgusting and never eat it again just to prove my point.

The main problem with me and food, and this hasn’t really changed, is that I don’t like anything complex. Very simple fare agrees with me. As a child, I practically existed off things like white rice, bread and butter, beef broth with noodles, and eggs. As I’ve grown I’ve started to like slightly more involved dishes. Yet I’m still not a fan when there’s too much included. So while I’ll eat chicken & gravy over biscuits, if you give me a casserole with chicken, mushrooms, onions, carrots, and cheese in it, I’m going to die a little inside. I like most of those things. I’d eat most of them separately, or in smaller combinations. I just don’t want everything added all together.

Food touching is another big issue. I don’t like to eat food that has other parts of food on it. If I’m eating mac & cheese and corn on the cob, and some of the corn touches some of the mac & cheese, I probably will not eat that bite of corn. There are some exceptions. Gravy is the exception king, but still I wouldn’t eat something like carrots that got gravy on them. Ew. I’m grossing myself out here. 

I don’t like this about myself. For one, it makes life difficult. I feel like a jerk whenever I order a hamburger with only ketchup. I hate myself a little when friends only mention dinner options when they know the restaurant has something I’d eat (although of course I adore them for putting up with me). And worst of all, I feel so guilty when I’m working and people provide lunch, that I have to eat it regardless.

This is my sandwich issue.

Almost every single other person in the world likes sandwiches. Amazingly enough, I have found one other person that dislikes them. God bless them; they’re my enabler. It’s not as bad now, as when I thought I was the only one.

But still, when people provide free lunch they stick to two choices: sandwiches or pizza. Pizza is the better option for me, because while I may or may not be very slightly allergic to tomatoes, I do like pizza, and I can pick off any weird toppings. However, since everyone knows everyone likes sandwiches, that’s almost always what they provide.

These are the sandwiches I like:

-peanut butter & jelly (but only grape jelly)

-roast beef (but only if it’s chunks of roast beef, I don’t like sliced deli meat)

-plain turkey (but only if it’s chunks of turkey, although if it’s sliced I’ll pick turkey over roast beef)

-grilled cheese (but I’m very particular about the cheese. Kraft is acceptable)

-the #11 at Jimmy John’s when there’s no mayo (and really this is new, and it’s drunk food, I can eat it sober but it’s kinda meh)

That’s it. Now how often do you think these are the sandwiches people get when bringing an assortment of sandwiches?

Yeah… make that never. So when I’m working somewhere and they’re so sweet to offer “free lunch!” I’m secretly just praying for the strength to eat whatever random sandwich they bring. Because sandwiches are the ultimate enemy of picky eaters that don’t like food touching.

There’s just so much food squished into one small, evil, little space. There are all kinds of sauces and spreads people want to add on. Everything I hate in the world has been brought into one disgusting morsel, and I need to eat it and smile and graciously thank the person for the meal.

I’m not ungrateful. I truly appreciate anyone providing lunch. And I’m super happy I live where I have easy access to food!! I just find it very challenging to both eat the sandwich and convincingly act like it’s delicious. I expend more energy into pretending I like it, and can only ever force myself to eat like half, at best.

I know, I know, first world problems and all that. I just wish this didn’t come up for me so often. Is it weird that I’d be happier if they just didn’t feed me lunch at all, and I skipped a meal, over having to choke down yet another sandwich?

Curse you John Montagu, (generally) credited inventor of the sandwich. This is your fault, sir. Once I get my time machine working, I plan to slap you soundly about the face. Maybe then I’ll finally stop stressing out over sandwiches. Or I could jump forward 5 years in the future, at which point maybe my taste buds would have continued to evolve, and I will like sandwiches. I can only hope.