Princess or Pixie?

Thanks to my friend Erin, I’ve recently lost hours of my life on The Oatmeal. If you’re unfamiliar, it’s a site with a lot of funny comics. My favorite though is actually a drawing summarizing the pros and cons to a pros and cons list. Considering I’m a sucker for a good list, I was highly amused. The punchline is that it’s a “clever way to rationalize a bad decision.” First I laughed about this, and then I had an existential crisis. Have all my decisions been bad? Am I incapable of making good decisions when I really take the time to think through them?? Since I’m in the midst of a big debate with myself, this was enough to throw me for a mental loop.

So here’s my current predicament: I’m seriously considering chopping my hair off. And this, for me, is a pretty big freaking deal.

Let’s have a little back story first. My hair is long. It has almost always been long(ish) since I was a kid. Now as it gets long I get antsy and want to cut it. Every few years something spurs me to actually cut it shorter (not short, shorter, that’s a significant difference), and inevitably I hate it and spend several weeks (minimum) being miserable with my new hair. Having said that, you’re probably thinking “why is this even under discussion then you flaming idiot?!” I hear you. Generally when I start getting in the mood to cut it, I distract myself with a new color, new wardrobe, or hell even planning a new tattoo is a safer bet. But generally, I cut my hair as a spur of the moment thing when the mood strikes me. This time, I’ve been debating it for about 3-4 months, and instead of making a pro vs con list, I thought I’d take a moment to really think about WHY. Why do I like my long hair so much, versus why would I want to cut it (don’t even tell me that’s the same thing as a pro & con list. I will find you, and slap you).

Here’s what this would look like on a superficial level, which in my opinion is about what I would get out of comparing pros & cons.

WHY LONG?

·       I can wash & wear.

·       I have a LOT of options: I can braid, twist, put up, straighten, etc.

·       It’s taken years to grow, so I should enjoy it while I can.

·       People like my hair.

·       It looks like princess hair.

·       There’s the possibility that I’ll have yet another emotional meltdown if I cut it short.

WHY SHORT?

·       It is freaking hot (I should probably clarify – not that short hair looks hot, but my current hair keeps me very hot in regards to temperature).

·       It currently takes a year and a half to wash.

·       At times I literally plan my life around washing my hair.

·       It takes extra money and a ton of effort to dye.

That’s all well and good, but it’s not really getting to the root of the problem. Here’s what this comparison would look like with all the deep internal stuff I would never admit to on a pro & con list:

WHY LONG?

·       Long hair is more feminine. I actually spend a lot of time questioning my femininity. I hang out with mainly men, I have yet to master makeup, I drink beer and eat junk, and I talk like my brother. In retrospect, maybe I should be doing a rant here about why it’s ridiculous that those are things I feel like I should base my femininity on, but I’m not that motivated today. Nonetheless, as a girl that’s frequently told she’s “one of the guys,” having long hair helps remind me that I am in fact a girl.

·       In high school my psychology professor told me I like to hide behind my hair. I thought he was referring to when I would literally put my head down and peek through it. However, I realized it’s more than that. I do not like my face. I don’t necessarily hate it, but I don’t like it either. When I’m having a day where it’s particularly bugging me for whatever reason, I keep my hair down. When I don’t want someone to read my emotions, I play with it. For Pete’s sake I had bangs for the last 2 years because I realized they better hid my eyes. It’s my safety blanket, and I super don’t want to give that up.

·       Without a doubt, my hair is my most complimented feature. In school, before we really learned social conventions, the other kids in my class used to play with my hair all the time (actually random people in bars still stroke it, but that’s a little creepy). When I babysat the kids would beg me to let them style it. People love the length, they love the thickness (yeah they do *insert dirty wink*), and generally no matter what color I dye it they love that too.

SO WTF SHORT??

·       In most aspects of life I am a practical person. The impracticality of my hair these days is starting to drive me mildly insane. Now in the past when my dad suggested I would find short hair more practical I disagreed because it requires styling, and I’m lazy. I’m starting to think though that if I cut it short enough that wouldn’t be an issue.

·       I’m also starting to think that far too much of my identity is tied to my hair. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I consider it worrisome. What if I had to have short hair (or no hair) for some other reason? Why have I let it define me? Why do I put so much weight on it? What am I like when I’m not basing my worth off something stupid like having long princess hair?

·       Being brutally honest, we already know I base a lot of my decisions off what I’m told to do/not do. As a teenager I was frequently told I would end up cutting my hair short like my mother, so I have specifically avoided doing that. Same thing, when I moved to Texas everyone told me I’d cut my hair the first summer because of the heat, and I liked the idea of proving them wrong. These are actually really stupid reasons to have long hair.

·       It has been suggested a time or two that I have control issues. One of the reasons I like my hair long is that it helps pull out the curl, so it’s more wavy. One of the reasons I don’t like my hair shorter is that it does what it wants and I’d have to put effort into styling it if I don’t want it to look a little crazy. I am absolutely not agreeing that I have control issues, but it might be a good exercise for me to go with a style that let’s my hair be a little wild and out of control.

·       I like short hair on people. Yes, I also like very long hair, but I often admire short cuts and wish I had them. The only thing preventing me really was a fear that I’d do it and then hate it, and be miserable. I hate the idea of not trying something just because I’m afraid. I don’t want to get to the end of my life and realize I had long hair the entire time simply because that’s what I was comfortable with, without finding out if I liked something different. And diving even further, I hate the idea that the length of my hair can so greatly affect my happiness. If nothing else, I think having short hair would force me to confront some of my (very stupid) hangups about my looks. I’m pretty sure if I could do that I could also be more confident in myself, which would be awesome.

Now having said all of that, I don’t think I have the guts yet to try short hair. I have an appointment to “trim” my hair this weekend, so I have all week to think about this more. And maybe make more lists. Or spreadsheets.