The Truth About Short Hair

Bye hair!

Some of you may remember that last year I had an internal and then external debate over whether or not to cut my hair short.  In the end I decided to risk it (YOLO!) and go short.

Of course prior to making that decision I did tons of research. I read quite a few blogs and articles about things to know and what the experience would be like. Since I’ve now had short hair for almost a year, and consider myself a fount of knowledge for life in general, I decided the nice thing to do would share my personal revelations on the experience.

Brace yourselves.

Short hair!

I was leaning towards a pro/con list, but have decided on a different approach. We shall go through various life events, compare the long hair to short hair experience, and pick the winner for that category.

Let’s start with the obvious one…

MAINTENANCE

Long Hair Experience – for me, long hair was super easy. I could wash it at night, braid it for bed, and go a few days (assuming I didn’t jazzercise) before I had to wash it again. Bad hair days could be hidden with a ponytail or a twist. I could skip haircuts with no drawbacks except maybe some split ends, which I sometimes fixed myself.

Short Hair Experience - I find maintaining my short hair much more effort. I can skip a haircut but it’s going to do interesting things. If I run out of product I’m screwed. If I buy the wrong product I’m screwed sideways. If I don’t wash it, or at least get it wet every day, I look like an unkempt boy.

WINNER: I think it’s pretty obvious that LHE is the winner here.

COLOR

Short Hair Experience – I almost dyed of shock (dyed… get it?? HAHAHA) when I could get away with one box of hair dye. I don’t have to pay extra at the salon anymore. It doesn’t take hours to wash the dye out. It’s glorious!! Hell, I should dye my hair more. What am I doing this weekend…

Long Hair Experience – egad I don’t even want to get into it! Years of my life are gone trying to get dye through my ridiculously thick hair. YEARS. AND MONEY. SO MUCH MONEY.

Winner: SHE, for realz.

REACTIONS

Long Hair Experience – people loved my hair long. To a somewhat unsettling level. They also seemed to feel like they had a weird right to touch my hair. Strangers would come up and stroke it. True story. It’s weird.

Short Hair Experience – some people love my hair short, but there are also very emphatic others that can’t stop saying “I liked your hair long better.” In fact, people seem to feel like they have a weird right to remark on my hair choice now that it’s short. It’s not uncommon for strangers to helpfully suggest “but you’d be so much prettier if your hair was long,” or “guys would like you better with long hair.” They don’t touch it though, so that’s nice.

Winner: I’m going to call this one a tie.

EXERCISE

Long Hair Experience – fuck the world if you forget a hair tie before working out. Seriously, it’s the worst.

Short Hair Experience – there are some layers near my face that get in my eyes and are obnoxious, but otherwise it’s ridiculously easy to work out and to wash my hair afterwards.

Winner: SHE is the obvious leader here.

DANCING

Short Hair Experience – it is kind of nice to not have a bunch of heavy, sweaty hair on my neck.

Long Hair Experience – however, there’s nothing quite like tossing your hair every which way. I actually miss my long hair the most when I’m dancing.

Winner: LHE, oddly enough.

BED

Long Hair Experience – I actually slept with my hair in a braid at night, because otherwise I woke up tangled in my own hair. While this is a little annoying, on the other hand there is something incredibly sensual about getting ready for bed with long hair. That moment when you take off your clothes and your hair brushes your bare back… amazing.

Short Hair Experience – um, there’s really not much to say. I go to bed. I wake up. My hair is disheveled and not as adorable but it’s not a life ruiner. In fact, it’s quite nice overall.

Winner: SHE, but there are definitely things about the LHE I miss a bit.

“BED” (otherwise known as SEX)

Long Hair Experience – I just said that the mere act of sleeping tangled my hair. Now imagine sex. Imagine trying to unravel those knots the next day (because who goes “time out! I need to do something about my hair!” I mean I have, but it definitely dampens the mood). No really, imagine it. Imagine every time you lean over and there’s a cloud of hair in your face. Imagine trying to cuddle and it getting stuck to another sweaty body. Are you horrified yet?

Short Hair Experience – much, MUCH better than long hair, to say the least.

Winner: Seriously like it could be anything other than SHE.

So if we count them up… long hair has two wins, short hair has four, and we have one tie. This probably explains why I’ve been in no hurry to grow my hair back.

A word to the wise though. If you are talking to me, or really to any person that recently cut their hair short, do not, for the love of anything you hold holy, DO NOT ask me if I’m “ever going to grow my hair long hair again??” I consider this the world’s stupidest question. Assuming I don’t actually die at 30, I have many, many years of life ahead of me. How can I even possibly know what I’ll want to do with my hair five years from now? Ten years from now? Fifteen? You see where I’m going with this, so save us both the trouble and don’t ask stupid questions.

Princess or Pixie?

Thanks to my friend Erin, I’ve recently lost hours of my life on The Oatmeal. If you’re unfamiliar, it’s a site with a lot of funny comics. My favorite though is actually a drawing summarizing the pros and cons to a pros and cons list. Considering I’m a sucker for a good list, I was highly amused. The punchline is that it’s a “clever way to rationalize a bad decision.” First I laughed about this, and then I had an existential crisis. Have all my decisions been bad? Am I incapable of making good decisions when I really take the time to think through them?? Since I’m in the midst of a big debate with myself, this was enough to throw me for a mental loop.

So here’s my current predicament: I’m seriously considering chopping my hair off. And this, for me, is a pretty big freaking deal.

Let’s have a little back story first. My hair is long. It has almost always been long(ish) since I was a kid. Now as it gets long I get antsy and want to cut it. Every few years something spurs me to actually cut it shorter (not short, shorter, that’s a significant difference), and inevitably I hate it and spend several weeks (minimum) being miserable with my new hair. Having said that, you’re probably thinking “why is this even under discussion then you flaming idiot?!” I hear you. Generally when I start getting in the mood to cut it, I distract myself with a new color, new wardrobe, or hell even planning a new tattoo is a safer bet. But generally, I cut my hair as a spur of the moment thing when the mood strikes me. This time, I’ve been debating it for about 3-4 months, and instead of making a pro vs con list, I thought I’d take a moment to really think about WHY. Why do I like my long hair so much, versus why would I want to cut it (don’t even tell me that’s the same thing as a pro & con list. I will find you, and slap you).

Here’s what this would look like on a superficial level, which in my opinion is about what I would get out of comparing pros & cons.

WHY LONG?

·       I can wash & wear.

·       I have a LOT of options: I can braid, twist, put up, straighten, etc.

·       It’s taken years to grow, so I should enjoy it while I can.

·       People like my hair.

·       It looks like princess hair.

·       There’s the possibility that I’ll have yet another emotional meltdown if I cut it short.

WHY SHORT?

·       It is freaking hot (I should probably clarify – not that short hair looks hot, but my current hair keeps me very hot in regards to temperature).

·       It currently takes a year and a half to wash.

·       At times I literally plan my life around washing my hair.

·       It takes extra money and a ton of effort to dye.

That’s all well and good, but it’s not really getting to the root of the problem. Here’s what this comparison would look like with all the deep internal stuff I would never admit to on a pro & con list:

WHY LONG?

·       Long hair is more feminine. I actually spend a lot of time questioning my femininity. I hang out with mainly men, I have yet to master makeup, I drink beer and eat junk, and I talk like my brother. In retrospect, maybe I should be doing a rant here about why it’s ridiculous that those are things I feel like I should base my femininity on, but I’m not that motivated today. Nonetheless, as a girl that’s frequently told she’s “one of the guys,” having long hair helps remind me that I am in fact a girl.

·       In high school my psychology professor told me I like to hide behind my hair. I thought he was referring to when I would literally put my head down and peek through it. However, I realized it’s more than that. I do not like my face. I don’t necessarily hate it, but I don’t like it either. When I’m having a day where it’s particularly bugging me for whatever reason, I keep my hair down. When I don’t want someone to read my emotions, I play with it. For Pete’s sake I had bangs for the last 2 years because I realized they better hid my eyes. It’s my safety blanket, and I super don’t want to give that up.

·       Without a doubt, my hair is my most complimented feature. In school, before we really learned social conventions, the other kids in my class used to play with my hair all the time (actually random people in bars still stroke it, but that’s a little creepy). When I babysat the kids would beg me to let them style it. People love the length, they love the thickness (yeah they do *insert dirty wink*), and generally no matter what color I dye it they love that too.

SO WTF SHORT??

·       In most aspects of life I am a practical person. The impracticality of my hair these days is starting to drive me mildly insane. Now in the past when my dad suggested I would find short hair more practical I disagreed because it requires styling, and I’m lazy. I’m starting to think though that if I cut it short enough that wouldn’t be an issue.

·       I’m also starting to think that far too much of my identity is tied to my hair. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I consider it worrisome. What if I had to have short hair (or no hair) for some other reason? Why have I let it define me? Why do I put so much weight on it? What am I like when I’m not basing my worth off something stupid like having long princess hair?

·       Being brutally honest, we already know I base a lot of my decisions off what I’m told to do/not do. As a teenager I was frequently told I would end up cutting my hair short like my mother, so I have specifically avoided doing that. Same thing, when I moved to Texas everyone told me I’d cut my hair the first summer because of the heat, and I liked the idea of proving them wrong. These are actually really stupid reasons to have long hair.

·       It has been suggested a time or two that I have control issues. One of the reasons I like my hair long is that it helps pull out the curl, so it’s more wavy. One of the reasons I don’t like my hair shorter is that it does what it wants and I’d have to put effort into styling it if I don’t want it to look a little crazy. I am absolutely not agreeing that I have control issues, but it might be a good exercise for me to go with a style that let’s my hair be a little wild and out of control.

·       I like short hair on people. Yes, I also like very long hair, but I often admire short cuts and wish I had them. The only thing preventing me really was a fear that I’d do it and then hate it, and be miserable. I hate the idea of not trying something just because I’m afraid. I don’t want to get to the end of my life and realize I had long hair the entire time simply because that’s what I was comfortable with, without finding out if I liked something different. And diving even further, I hate the idea that the length of my hair can so greatly affect my happiness. If nothing else, I think having short hair would force me to confront some of my (very stupid) hangups about my looks. I’m pretty sure if I could do that I could also be more confident in myself, which would be awesome.

Now having said all of that, I don’t think I have the guts yet to try short hair. I have an appointment to “trim” my hair this weekend, so I have all week to think about this more. And maybe make more lists. Or spreadsheets.

Long Hair = Death

Personally, I’ve had longish hair most of my life, with the exceptions being when I was a baby, and a few random times when I chopped it off and immediately regretted it and had to wait for my hair to grow out again. Some people, like my father, think everyone should have short hair. Some people, like Laurell K Hamilton’s characters, think everyone should have long hair.

The truth of the matter is not everyone can pull off long hair. Of course, not everyone can pull off short hair either. I’m not going to comment either way on who does or does not look good with a certain hair length, but I will say that with long hair comes great responsibility and danger.

You see, long hair is a secret death trap. It’s true. Besides all the known issues around maintenance and increased risk of heat stroke in the summer, there’s the constant possibility that long hair will lead to your early demise.

Now in everyday life you’re probably okay to wander around with your long hair let down, but you should be wary if weird situations come up. Don’t believe me? Here are 4 examples:

1.     Missed it by a hair

I’m starting these examples with the world of sports, which you might think to be the least likely to have issues with long hair. However, my beloved Steelers have a player that is known for his luscious locks, and has also demonstrated their vulnerability.  In case you weren’t watching every Steeler game back in 2006, I’m sharing a video clip. Polamalu had intercepted the ball and was nearing the end zone when he was tackled by… wait for it… his hair. Now this isn’t really a near death situation (although it could be, I feel like that’s doing bad things to your neck) but in some games those 7 points can make all the difference, so close enough.

2.     Safety protocol

The next example comes from a book series. Specifically, this is a zombie trilogy written by Mira Grant that starts with the book Feed. I’m about halfway through the third book (I can only read it while it’s light outside) and I will say it’s definitely my favorite zombie series ever. While none of the characters have died YET (because again I have half a book left) from their long hair, in this post-zombie world it clearly has happened because one of the main characters talks about it ALL THE TIME. When she briefly has long hair she is freaking out about it, due to the potential hazards. So clearly, at some point someone was caught by their hair and munched on. Definitive proof.

3.     Trimmed down

Of course one can hardly talk about long hair without mentioning anime, where everyone and the aliens have ridiculously long hair (here’s looking at you Sailor Moon). In most situations it’s magically not a problem, but in Naruto we have another fine example of the potential dangers. While trapped in a death forest with her teammates unconscious, Sakura is attacked by another team. Eventually she is held by her hair, about to watch her teammates be killed, when she decides to cut her hair off and escape. For years she then keeps her hair short, because obviously she realizes the hazards in her line of work (it’s also symbolic of her being more dedicated to her craft than trying to look pretty and blah blah blah, but let’s focus on what matters to my discussion).

4.     DEATH, so much DEATH

So you might have noticed that no one has really died yet in my examples. Well, prepare yourself then for the ultimate proof – Piranha 3D. In Piranha 3D there is not only one but TWO girls who die due to their long hair. The first girl is innocently swimming in the lake with everyone else when the piranhas attack and it becomes a madhouse. While a certain jerk is trying to escape, her hair gets caught in the boat’s propeller. Suffice to say her face and scalp get ripped off (I think, to be honest I was hiding for a good portion of this movie and have mentally blocked other portions).

Sadly not being there to learn a valuable lesson, the second girl is stuck on a sinking ship and trying to crawl across a rope to make it to safety. Several people crawl across the rope. They make it successfully. This girl does not. You know why? Because the twat didn’t put her hair up before starting across. The piranhas jump and catch hold of her hair, and pull her to her death.

What have we learned here? You can have long hair. It’s gorgeous, it’s sexy, it’s a wonderful defense mechanism in SOCIAL SITUATIONS, but damn it be smart and put it in a ponytail before engaging in potentially hazardous activity. The Green Ranger knew to do this. Are you better than the Green Ranger? I think not.