A Neek and Misfit's Guide to Dating

So you may or may not already be aware that my friend Erin was my inspiration to start writing a blog. I look to Erin as a mentor as well as being a kickass friend, so I have been very touched by her support as I developed my writing. I will say right here and now that if it wasn’t for Erin I would never have attempted, let alone made it through, my NaNoWriMo adventure in November.

We like to discuss our ideas for posts together, and since we are the same person (on some levels) there are a lot of times when we have some overlap. Additionally, both Erin and I may be mildly obsessed with Buzzfeed. We discovered this post (which you should read first) from Buzzfeed Community member Doriean Stevenson back in February. Old timey dating advice is hysterical but also mildly disturbing, so we thought maybe we should add our take to the discussion to keep it fresh. Thus was born our first joint post!

Part one of the post appeared on the Island and part two is here below. Yes, you should read part one before part two if you haven't already. Think of it as a cross-country conversation (since we sadly don’t live in the same state anymore) between Erin and I during happy hour. Apparently we were both hitting the wine as we worked on this, which is basically the same thing and half the reason why it’s so awesome. #hemingwaywasadrunk 

My comments below are in black, and Erin's responses are in blue. This is the reverse of part one. Why? We like to keep people on their toes.

#8
The main problem I have with this is the alleged link between jokes at dinner and sarcasm. I demand data to support this conclusion. Does this mean if I joke at other points of the day I won’t become sarcastic? What about joking during breakfast? It must have something to do with the type of food you’re eating while joking, which is why breakfast is safe. So basically I’ve taken this to mean that joking is still acceptable as long as you have breakfast for dinner. Done.

Waffles are pretty funny. And so are pancakes when people make pancake faces using bananas and bacon. Of course, breakfast for dinner is the best meal I can think of and now I want to make pancakes. I also have to wonder if we’re allowed to make jokes at other times of the day. What if we’re no longer at dinner and I make a joke on the way to the car? Is car walking sarcasm acceptable? If so, then I will cultivate this as new marketable skill.
#9
Now this might just be me, but there are very few people I can stand to see more than three evenings during the week on a consistent basis. I need a lot of me time. If there was a guy that I could put up with that much I suppose I might as well get engaged to them.
Of course these days, “visiting a lady” probably also entails spending the night, at which point, as per Sheldon Cooper’s definition of dating, you’re technically living together. See definition below:
“A girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard when she has stayed over for A, ten consecutive nights or B, more than nine nights in a three week period or C: all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights.”

I can’t disagree with Sheldon Cooper. Like you, I also need me time because I’m an introvert and I need time to recharge before I deal with people again. My apartment is too small for a guy to be around that much so until I find a larger place where we could both have our space, I’m okay with this one.
#10
I actually agree with the idea of this one, but I think it needs tweaking. I would suggest that you never accept a proposal from someone under the following circumstances:
They just had a near-death experience
They’re drunk
They’re under the influence of mind altering drugs (whether they be recreational or medical makes no difference)
Their nemesis just got engaged
That being said, I would note that both my father and brother somewhat proposed while drunk, and while this ended up working out for my father, it didn’t end well for my brother.

I’m so glad that you mentioned having a nemesis! You should never do anything if a person’s (or your) nemesis just did the same thing. This will never end well. I would also like to add the following items to our list of circumstances in which you should never accept a proposal:

They just had lunch with their mother.
Their sibling just got married, had a baby, or bought a home. Or all three.
They’ve spent the last several hours on whichever social media site they prefer seeing all the things that all the people are doing that they’re not.
They often begin sentences with “I liked (insert subject) before liking them was cool.”
They just attended a high school or college reunion.
They just returned from their best friend’s bachelor/bachelorette party in Las Vegas.
They just got a new phone and have not mastered the autocorrect settings.
They are a werewolf.

#11
For serious. This is pretty much unavoidable, but using my life theory as determined by The Sims you can help cut down on some of the unpleasantness. Oh what, you’ve never heard of my Sims Life Theory? No worries.
If you’ve never played The Sims before, the main thing to know is that people have several bars, including a “social” bar, that affect their overall happiness. To keep the social bar full the Sim must engage in social interaction they enjoy. This generally means it is with a person they like, or it’s something they’ve demonstrated liking before. For example, some Sims like a lot of jokes in their conversation. Some get pissy about people that joke too much (they’re probably afraid of that link with sarcasm mentioned above). The important thing is that every Sim needs a different level of interaction to get their bar full, and then the bar decays at different rates.
What this boils down to is that it’s important to know how much interaction your partner likes. If their bar gets full quickly and you keep on joking around when they want to focus on their low food bar or their full bladder bar, it’s not going to end well. This is probably what drives people to cannibalism.

I would probably die in the Sims world. Or become the cannibal in the neighborhood. Does reading quietly at home with the cat while drinking a glass of wine have any value in the Sims world?
\#12
I suck at leaving. Unless I legitimately have something I need to do, I tend to be the person that lingers. This probably ties in with my #FOMO issues. I am convinced that if I leave a party, or leave my friends, something awesome will happen. This fear is more prevalent in our generation than you realize. Besides earning a catchy abbreviation, it has also shown up in popular shows like How I Met Your Mother where the person leaving and missing the awesomeness becomes known as the Blitz. You know what, it probably would behoove me to start leaving things more often. This might be my May project. Or maybe June, because there should be some good stuff going on in May…

One of my favorite movies from the late 80s is Shag. It’s about a group of friends in 1964 South Carolina who take a trip to Myrtle Beach to have one last adventure before they head off to their futures. Annabeth Gish plays Pudge (her real name is Caroline) and Bridget Fonda plays Malaina. Malaina is the authority on boys and as you can guess from the nickname, Pudge is the quiet, awkward one who used to be fat. Anyway, Pudge falls for a boy named Chip and Malaina’s advice to her is to treat him like dirt, walk away, and then give him 10 minutes to apologize (even if he did nothing). That’s how you get your man - you treat them poorly and walk away. Pudge listens to this nonsense then decides Malaina is wrong. She and Chip enter that dance contest and all is righted in the universe. I guess the whole art of leaving idea is to cultivate your mystery because mystery equals allure. And allure is what all the men in the world are interested in. Or something.
#13
I’m not going to lie, I instantly judge people based on their spelling and grammar. I am willing to overlook what I view as “style” choices, like texting/typing ppl instead of people, if they appear sparingly. Pure misspelling though is an instant turnoff. Especially since almost everything this day has spell check! What, are you deliberately misspelling those messages? Do you think that makes you cool?! It doesn’t.  It makes me want to smack you roughly about the head with a dictionary so I can pretend it may be brain damage causing the issue.

I started teaching high school right around the time texting was surpassing instant messaging as the communication choice of teenagers. I spent countless evenings grading writing assignments that included text speak rather than actual words. Between that and the misspellings, the papers were always a sea of red. I could never be this blunt with my students but what was always going through my mind as I graded was, “This makes you look like an idiot.”

There’s a line the song “Friday Night” by The Darkness that sums up my feelings about this:

See the lady I adore
Dancing on the dancing floor
Dancing on a Friday night
God, the way she moves me
To write bad poetry
Dancing on a Friday night
With you.

I don’t care if you write bad poetry about me, just make sure it’s spelled correctly.


#14
Not to bring in some political madness or anything, but how does that account for same-sex relationships? Are they automatically better?
Taking gender out of it, I actually think this ties in with this amazing theory that some of my old coworkers introduced me to (old as in sadly former, not old as in age. If for some reason they end up reading this please do not get mad and come to Texas to injure me) which is called Love Languages. The whole idea is that people communicate their affection based on they would want to feel loved, when you should find out what your partner likes and use that method. Apparently I respond best to people paying attention to me, and doing favors for me. That makes soooooo much sense and explains like half of my lifetime crushes.
I’d definitely suggest checking out this theory. Here’s the website: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Are you sure we’re not the same person? I just took the Love Languages quiz and I also like people to pay attention to me through quality time and for them to do things for me. This makes a ton of sense if I look at my life. What I think we’re getting at is that people need to communicate with one another about what they want and don’t want in relationships. It’s not to say that we shouldn’t compromise when needed but it’s important to understand how the person you love or care for deeply responds best or what they need to feel loved and appreciated. One of my friends told me, not too long after the birth of her first child, that the only thing she wanted from her husband was for him to do the dishes. She would change the diapers, get up in the middle of the night, whatever else but she had no energy for the dishes. That was more important to her than any token or kind word he could have said - she needed the gesture. So I guess what we’re both saying is that, yes, each person loves and wants to be loved in their own way. It’s the combination of the two parts that makes it work.


#15
Because I basically live my life off Jennifer Crusie books, I would simplify this to a quote from Faking It:
“Very few people mate for life with the people they fall for at twelve. Doesn't mean it isn't real, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, doesn't mean it doesn't matter, but basically, we're talking a practice swing in the big game of love.”
Of course if you have a foolproof method for identifying which is a practice swing and which is the big game, then you should tell me. Or alternatively write a book about it and make a million dollars (and then share with me).  

I too love Jennifer Crusie (Jessica introduced me to her) and love this quote so much. I remember the boy I liked at age 12 would not even be on my radar now mostly because he insisted on wearing his collar popped every time he wore a polo shirt. I could also argue that the last guy I dated is not someone I would consider today either and that wasn’t that long ago. We all need our practice swings. I would also say that if anyone thinks fly-fishing is easy, they have never seen the movie A River Runs Through It. However, it’s also possible I was blinded by Craig Sheffer’s attractiveness.

And that's it for us! I hope you enjoyed our expert advice, and keep it in mind as you frolic about this weekend whether you're seeking a mate, currently in a relationship, or partial to sheep. #nojudge

31 Signs You May Have a Jazzercise Problem

1.     Within five minutes of talking to someone new you have mentioned jazzercise.

2.     Every time you hear a song on the radio that you’ve done in class, you announce to whoever’s nearby “this is also a jazzercise song.”

3.     Notice you say “also.” This is necessary because at some point you have already told them something is a jazzercise song.

4.     When you hear a jazzercise song you inevitably run through the routine in your mind.

5.     How much you like/dislike a song now depends on how much you like/dislike a jazzercise routine.

6.     Certain songs tied to REALLY HARD strength routines make you cringe within 5 seconds of starting to play.

7.     This happens even when you’re not in a jazzercise class and they’re simply playing on the radio.

8.     When planning a vacation, you check to see if there’s a jazzercise location nearby.

9.     You plan your social events for the week around your jazzercise schedule.

10. You plan your work week around your jazzercise schedule.

11. You plan your meals for the day around your jazzercise schedule.

12. You become confrontational and may even threaten people when they throw off your jazzercise schedule.

13. You no longer like holidays, because classes are cancelled and it ruins the jazzercise schedule.

14. Friends have offered to come to a jazzercise class simply because that may be the only time they see you.

15. You have to consciously plan out ahead of time days to skip class so you have a “rest” day.

16. You’ve done laundry only for the jazzercise clothes.

17. You’ve run the dishwasher half full (or less) because you wanted your favorite water bottle for jazzercise.

18. In class, people have started avoiding your standard spot.

19. You have done the routines so many times you recognize when the instructors make mistakes.

20. You have helped the instructors correct their mistakes.

21. You have been asked multiple times to become an instructor.

22. When visiting other jazzercise classes, you have been mistaken for an instructor.

23. You’ve gotten less than five hours of sleep because you woke up for jazzercise class in the morning.

24. You’ve driven over an hour out of your way to go to a jazzercise class.

25. You’ve offered to be the designated driver simply because you’re planning on going to jazzercise the next morning.

26. Missing three days of class in a row throws you into a panic.

27. Even if you are legitimately sick for one or more of those days.

28. Even if you are still incredibly sore and experiencing muscle cramps for one or more of those days.

29. Even if there are exciting, rare social events during those days which is why you’re missing class in the first place.

30. You have to call your mother or best friend for approval to feel okay about skipping a jazzercise class when it’s not a planned “rest” or “skip” day.

31. When you realize that you accidentally missed class because you forgot it was cancelled and you didn’t go to the earlier one, you have to console yourself by making a list of why you have a jazzercise “problem” so you feel a little less guilty.

Hearing Is Believing

Which would you rather be, blind or deaf?

I remember when we used to play those sort of games when I was younger.  It’s very similar to Shag, Marry, Push Off a Cliff, but a little more morbid. I’m pretty sure I said I’d rather be deaf, and I’m sticking to that answer. Mainly because I’m highly imaginative and if I couldn’t see I’d be constantly interpreting noises in a weird, panic-inducing manner.

At its heart, the question is asking if you are more audio or visual focused. Some of you may have taken tests before to see which way you learn best. For a long time there was this assumption that men were more stimulated by visuals than women. I heartily disagree. I’m not going to go on a long rant of why this is/isn’t true. All I’ll say is check out this video and see if you don’t get some “stimulation.”

Anyway, I’ve always eschewed audio books. When I listen to a lot of talking I zone it out. It doesn’t feel concrete. I can’t remember what they’re talking about or what happened. If I see that same information in writing it’s far easier for me to remember.  I have the same problem with songs. I pretty much never know the lyrics. I can memorize the music pretty quickly, but unless I actually look up the lyrics or see them written down somewhere I’m going to forget them (or remember them completely wrong. I’ve been called out on that multiple times). This has led me to assume that I’m more visually dependent.

So imagine my surprise today when I realized that I generally recognize actors not based on their looks, but their voices. Here’s how it went:

Stardust is on tv (I got really excited about that, which is ridiculous since I own it on DVD) and of course I had to turn it on. I’m watching the first few scenes, waiting for Septimus to show up (he’s my favorite) and only half paying attention as I walk around the living room (I haven’t hit 10,000 steps yet today). Tristan and Humphrey are talking and I get horribly confused, because I keep thinking Henry Cavill is talking. Man of Steel was on at the same time, so I thought maybe I had turned that on without realizing it (I am constantly worried that I am doing things and immediately forgetting them).

It turns out Henry Cavill is in Stardust! I would absolutely never have guessed that Humprey (see left) and Clark Kent (see right) are played by the same guy. My mind has just been blown.

That video above? That actor plays the Hound in Game of Thrones. If someone hadn’t told me that I guarantee I wouldn’t have figured it out, but maybe that’s because he’s not saying anything in that commercial. The same thing actually happened back in the day with the actor that plays Septimus in Stardust. He’s also in Sherlock Holmes, and it was the voice that I recognized. Of course, his voice is very sexy and distinctive, so that could be part of it.

Basically this all feeds in to my secret fear that I do not recognize faces well. Did you know there’s actually a condition where people cannot recognize faces? It was in this one super freaky book I read involving brain manipulation. Clearly, I don’t have that, but I always feel like I utterly fail at recognizing people. I thought that the fact that I could generally pick an actor out proved I had some recognition capacity, but I think it’s actually a combination of voice and movement. The face doesn’t really come into play.

Maybe I’m overthinking it. So far I’ve made it through life without any major problems. And if we're going to play 'what if' type of games, I say: push Humphry off the cliff, marry Clark Kent, and shag Septimus. 

Things You Never Knew You Never Knew

I had to have a quick debate with myself over whether or not this was a For The Few post, as there may be some spoilers for the movie What’s Your Number, but on the other hand it’s a romcom so I’m pretty sure you can figure out what’s going to happen within the first five minutes.

So I may or may not have “developed a new talent,” to quote Jane from Coupling. I’ve always had this ability; the question is whether or not it’s actually a “talent” or something everyone does. I did talk about it with a friend awhile ago and it wasn’t something they could do, but that’s hardly overwhelming evidence in my favor.

Anyway, so the talent has to do with TV, which probably isn’t a surprise. I noticed that when I watch movies on television I am always super aware of when they cut things out, even if it’s only a few seconds. It works in reverse too – I also notice any scene I didn’t see the first time around. At first, I thought maybe this only applied to movies I had watched quite a few times, because as we all know there are some movies I have watched obsessively. Actually though I’ve noticed it even for movies I’ve watched only one or two times.

Again it wasn’t something I really cared about or commented on until they started playing What’s Your Number. I had watched it originally on HBO and then went out and bought it. Of course, keep in mind that after the first time I watch a movie it’s normally on more as background noise while I simultaneously read or cross-stitch. They’ve started playing it on normal channels now and I turn it on because I love the movie, but then within 15 minutes I’m going insane because they cut out A LOT of little things I like.

So I decided to make a list of my favorite things that are cut from the movie to show the difference a few seconds can make!

First though, here’s a bit of a background on What’s Your Number. It’s about Ally, a woman who realizes she has slept with 20 guys which according to an article is the maximum number a woman can sleep with before she’s doomed to a life of unhappiness. Ally decides in order to not go over 20, she’ll track down her ex-boyfriends and maybe it will work out with one of them. That’s about all you need to know. Oh, also Chris Evans walks around very mostly naked a lot, so there’s that to enjoy.

And here are my top 5 moments that keep getting cut out of the movie but should damn well be left in:

5. Just Taste Them

After Ally sleeps with man #20, she is cake tasting with her sister, Daisy, who is getting married. And by tasting, I mean chowing down (which I would probably do too, this may be the reason no one takes me to cake tastings). She tells Daisy it doesn’t matter how much she eats because she’s going to be celibate since she hit the 20 person limit.

On TV they tend to start this scene right before one of her exes walks in and cut out this initial part of the conversation. It’s not that it’s necessarily super funny, but I think it sets it up better for a few minutes later when Ally decides to start tracking down her ex-boyfriends as opposed to being celibate (because who wants that?).

4. Puppy Love

When Ally’s neighbor Colin comes over to her apartment for the first time, he makes a reference to how he thought she’d be cool. This is because her friends had put her crazy toast on youtube, and they discuss how he gets alerts on everyone in the building.

First of all, this is actually super relevant because that’s the whole reason Ally ends up enlisting Colin to find her ex-boyfriends. Second, this conversation reveals that one of their neighbors attempted to marry his dog, which I find hysterical and which changes the tone later on when Ally runs into said neighbor and dog.

3. How Much Penis?

Ally, her sister, and their friends are playing a “drinking game” at the beginning of the movie as Ally tries to figure out how many men the rest of them have slept with. Needless to say they’re nowhere near the same number as Ally. They keep most of this scene in the TV version, but they do cut out a side conversation where one of the friends changes her number.

This isn’t relevant to the plot really (it pops back up later, but you can get by without it) but it does make me giggle. Basically, the question is how much penis does it take to count as sex.

2. Mini Cheeseburger

For once, the scene doesn’t have any comedic value but I do think it’s essential to the overall tone. Near the end Ally has gotten together with ex Jake Adams. It shows a series of shots of them together. One of these shots, a little longer than the others, is the two of them at a party where a waiter offers mini cheeseburgers. Ally picks one up, but since Jake doesn’t want one she puts it back.

Throughout the movie it is readily apparent that Ally tends to change herself to be more like her boyfriends. Obviously, this is a big problem. If I felt more philosophical at the moment instead of hungry, I might talk about how important this theme is to life in general. But what this scene reveals is that even with Jake Adams, who Ally thought was perfect for her, she’s still changing herself (giving up mini cheeseburgers) to make other people happy (which is even more stupid because not only are burgers awesome but they were MINI).

1. Tweet This

My absolutely favorite thing they keep cutting out of the TV version is completely non-relevant and probably not even than funny to other people. Ally wakes up to Colin hiding out in her apartment and finds out he created a Facebook account for her. She complains but accepts it, stating however that she refuses to be on Twitter. This part is still in the movie.

At the end of the scene though Ally goes to make coffee, and can’t find her coffee pot. Colin responds “I broke it. If you were on Twitter you would know that already.”

I think this amuses me so much because A. I’m also not on Twitter (*gasp!*), and B. this totally seems like the type of ridiculous thing people would tweet about.

So that’s my list! There are actually a few other little things they cut out as well that drive me insane, but these are the big ones in my humble opinion. It bugs me because I’m pretty sure most people didn’t see this in theaters (I don’t even remember it being out), probably didn’t watch it on HBO, and now they’re going to see the reduced version and not even know what they’re missing. I love this movie. How can you not, with quotes like “the guitar gets cold against his penis,” the hysterical relationship between the sisters, and Anna Faris being adorable?

Long Hair = Death

Personally, I’ve had longish hair most of my life, with the exceptions being when I was a baby, and a few random times when I chopped it off and immediately regretted it and had to wait for my hair to grow out again. Some people, like my father, think everyone should have short hair. Some people, like Laurell K Hamilton’s characters, think everyone should have long hair.

The truth of the matter is not everyone can pull off long hair. Of course, not everyone can pull off short hair either. I’m not going to comment either way on who does or does not look good with a certain hair length, but I will say that with long hair comes great responsibility and danger.

You see, long hair is a secret death trap. It’s true. Besides all the known issues around maintenance and increased risk of heat stroke in the summer, there’s the constant possibility that long hair will lead to your early demise.

Now in everyday life you’re probably okay to wander around with your long hair let down, but you should be wary if weird situations come up. Don’t believe me? Here are 4 examples:

1.     Missed it by a hair

I’m starting these examples with the world of sports, which you might think to be the least likely to have issues with long hair. However, my beloved Steelers have a player that is known for his luscious locks, and has also demonstrated their vulnerability.  In case you weren’t watching every Steeler game back in 2006, I’m sharing a video clip. Polamalu had intercepted the ball and was nearing the end zone when he was tackled by… wait for it… his hair. Now this isn’t really a near death situation (although it could be, I feel like that’s doing bad things to your neck) but in some games those 7 points can make all the difference, so close enough.

2.     Safety protocol

The next example comes from a book series. Specifically, this is a zombie trilogy written by Mira Grant that starts with the book Feed. I’m about halfway through the third book (I can only read it while it’s light outside) and I will say it’s definitely my favorite zombie series ever. While none of the characters have died YET (because again I have half a book left) from their long hair, in this post-zombie world it clearly has happened because one of the main characters talks about it ALL THE TIME. When she briefly has long hair she is freaking out about it, due to the potential hazards. So clearly, at some point someone was caught by their hair and munched on. Definitive proof.

3.     Trimmed down

Of course one can hardly talk about long hair without mentioning anime, where everyone and the aliens have ridiculously long hair (here’s looking at you Sailor Moon). In most situations it’s magically not a problem, but in Naruto we have another fine example of the potential dangers. While trapped in a death forest with her teammates unconscious, Sakura is attacked by another team. Eventually she is held by her hair, about to watch her teammates be killed, when she decides to cut her hair off and escape. For years she then keeps her hair short, because obviously she realizes the hazards in her line of work (it’s also symbolic of her being more dedicated to her craft than trying to look pretty and blah blah blah, but let’s focus on what matters to my discussion).

4.     DEATH, so much DEATH

So you might have noticed that no one has really died yet in my examples. Well, prepare yourself then for the ultimate proof – Piranha 3D. In Piranha 3D there is not only one but TWO girls who die due to their long hair. The first girl is innocently swimming in the lake with everyone else when the piranhas attack and it becomes a madhouse. While a certain jerk is trying to escape, her hair gets caught in the boat’s propeller. Suffice to say her face and scalp get ripped off (I think, to be honest I was hiding for a good portion of this movie and have mentally blocked other portions).

Sadly not being there to learn a valuable lesson, the second girl is stuck on a sinking ship and trying to crawl across a rope to make it to safety. Several people crawl across the rope. They make it successfully. This girl does not. You know why? Because the twat didn’t put her hair up before starting across. The piranhas jump and catch hold of her hair, and pull her to her death.

What have we learned here? You can have long hair. It’s gorgeous, it’s sexy, it’s a wonderful defense mechanism in SOCIAL SITUATIONS, but damn it be smart and put it in a ponytail before engaging in potentially hazardous activity. The Green Ranger knew to do this. Are you better than the Green Ranger? I think not.

Thus It Will Be: Grudge Who Grudge

You know all those people (including me) that say they’re in love with a fictional character? Well, there are also those of us that are in love with a historical figure. I know, I know, but it happens.

There are several different historical figures I have a bit of a crush on. I can read about people like Caesar, Cleopatra, and Marie Antoinette until the cows come home, which since I don’t live on a farm means I do a lot of reading. But while their stories are interesting, and even though I have a bit of a vendetta against Octavian, it’s nothing like the way I get about my true historical love.

Who is it, you may wonder. A great American like George Washington? A prime man specimen such as Marc Antony? No, my love is none other than the glorious and misunderstood Anne Boleyn.

I’m not entirely sure why I love Anne quite so much. Henry VIII’s wives and scandals are certainly fascinating. Sometimes I’ll read about the other wives or about Henry himself, but it’s not really the same. I want to scream with frustration when Henry starts to stray to that simpleton Jane Seymour. Nor can I ever bring myself to deal with anything that is sympathetic to Catherine of Aragon.

Which is actually a fascinating example of what my mother calls my “delightful inconsistencies.” By all accounts I should be on the side of Catherine. She did nothing wrong. She was a faithful wife, a wonderful person, and she stubbornly refused to submit. Why do I hate her? I don’t know! But I can’t stop myself!!

If it wasn’t for Catherine, Henry would have been able to marry Anne much earlier. If Anne could have married Henry earlier instead of having to draw him on for years (and years… and years) she would have been less stressed and probably could have given birth to a son instead of having a miscarriage. If she had given Henry a son, he wouldn’t have killed her. Yeah, he probably would have gotten tired of her eventually and had more mistresses on the side, but he wouldn’t have needed to get rid of her because she would have provided the one thing he wanted.

Not only was my poor Anne killed over the ridiculous whims of a fat, stupid man, she has been horribly slandered since her death. The rumors of her time that she was a witch continue to pop up again and again. There are websites that list her having a 6^th finger and a huge mole on her neck as FACTS that caused the witchcraft charges. Um, what? You really think a spoiled brat of a king would pursue a “deformed” woman for years?

Even popular novels like The Other Boleyn Girl malign Anne’s character. They make it seem like she was a selfish, ruthless girl that didn’t even care about her own siblings.

Anne wasn’t a saint. She had to make some sacrifices to make it to royalty and there’s some evidence she may have some vendetta issues (which I totally support). I believe she was a good person though, and if you look for it there is just as much evidence on her side too.

Why do I love Anne so much? I don’t know. Some of it is so instinctive I can’t really explain it well. When my love loses her head, I lose my mind. Want to see my cry? Any movie/show that shows her being beheaded is guaranteed to make me start tearing up. And disclaimer, in case you don’t know me that well, I DO NOT cry easily.

On the other hand some of it is more apparent. Anne Boleyn was clever, pretty, and intelligent. Instead of accepting society’s role that she could be the king’s mistress or nothing, she made it so she could be queen. She managed to keep the king enthralled for years despite the easy availability of so many other pretty, easy women. It wasn’t magic like they claim, but it was still damn impressive.

Take a Moment

Every so often things get serious around here, so if you only come for the giggles this is not your post.

I have a small obsession with random holidays. I create a wall calendar for myself and a few other awesome ladies so we know when things like National Absinthe Day are about to happen. Then I also put it in my phone, so I always know what’s going on that day. Yet somehow I didn’t know that today is Self-Injury Awareness Day until one friend, and only one friend, posted it on Facebook.

That’s a problem. I constantly see tons of people changing their profile picture for this or that trend, promoting all the things wrong with the government, or posting to keep somebody on a television show, but so far I’m not seeing much for today.

Part of it may be the common misconceptions. Those that hurt themselves are not “emo.” They’re not just preteen girls trying to get attention. They are everyday people struggling with issues and their emotions, and this happens to be the way they cope. 

If you are unfamiliar with self-injury, I would encourage you to learn more.

What I am really asking you to do though, is to step back a moment and stop judging.

More than one person I love deals with this issue. They are amazing people. They are caring, smart, and funny. Yet if someone learns that they self-injure, that’s all they seem to see.  

Recently I was reading a book (that I may or may not continue, the characters are refusing to do what I want them to) where the main character is a sex addict, and she struggles with telling her fiancé because of course there are all the misconceptions around what this really means. When David Duchovny said he was a sex addict, I scoffed too. Meanwhile, I am addicted to pepsi. Yes, I joke about it all the time because it’s ridiculous, but for me it’s actually very real. And for some people, self-injury has become not only a coping behavior, but an addiction that they can’t easily get support for because everyone assumes they’re trying to kill themselves or that they’re seeking attention.

I don’t think we can really ever speak to what another person may be struggling with. I certainly don’t know what you’re trying to deal with right now. However, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be willing to listen, and try to understand. That’s one of the amazing things about humans. We socialize. We bond. We help each other.

But one of the downsides - we use gossip to bond. We pick apart other people to make ourselves feel better. We condemn what we don’t understand. We use big, sweeping generalities (like these) to explain and comprehend the world and everyone in it.

All I’m asking for today is for a little more understanding. That you put aside your view of it, look past the issues that someone struggles with, and still see the amazing person within. We should not be defined by one facet of ourselves, whether it’s our skin, our sexual orientation, or our problems. I hope that together we can create an environment where if someone needs help, they know they can say something without worrying about censure and contempt.  Now, do I honestly expect that this one blog post is going to automatically make that happen? Heck no. I think I have about 5 people regularly reading this. But if this can reach and help even one person be more aware, I would be grateful.

It’s not very often I get on my soapbox, so thank you for taking the time to read this. It could be worse – I’ve been seriously considering finally writing down my rant for why I absolutely hate Twilight. Years later and I still can’t get over it apparently. Freaking Twilight.