So you may
or may not already be aware that my friend Erin was my inspiration to start
writing a blog. I look to Erin as a mentor as well as being a kickass friend,
so I have been very touched by her support as I developed my writing. I will
say right here and now that if it wasn’t for Erin I would never have attempted,
let alone made it through, my NaNoWriMo adventure in November.
We like to
discuss our ideas for posts together, and since we are the same person (on some
levels) there are a lot of times when we have some overlap. Additionally, both
Erin and I may be mildly obsessed with Buzzfeed. We discovered this post (which you should
read first) from Buzzfeed Community member Doriean Stevenson back in February. Old timey dating
advice is hysterical but also mildly disturbing, so we thought maybe we should
add our take to the discussion to keep it fresh. Thus was born our first joint
post!
Part one
of the post appeared on the Island and part two is here below. Yes, you should read part one before part two if you haven't already. Think
of it as a cross-country conversation (since we sadly don’t live in the same
state anymore) between Erin and I during happy hour. Apparently we were both
hitting the wine as we worked on this, which is basically the same thing and
half the reason why it’s so awesome. #hemingwaywasadrunk
My comments below are in black, and Erin's responses are in blue. This is the reverse of part one. Why? We like to keep people on their toes.
#8
The main
problem I have with this is the alleged link between jokes at dinner and
sarcasm. I demand data to support this conclusion. Does this mean if I joke at
other points of the day I won’t become sarcastic? What about joking during
breakfast? It must have something to do with the type of food you’re eating
while joking, which is why breakfast is safe. So basically I’ve taken this to
mean that joking is still acceptable as long as you have breakfast for dinner.
Done.
Waffles
are pretty funny. And so are pancakes when people make pancake faces using
bananas and bacon. Of course, breakfast for dinner is the best meal I can think
of and now I want to make pancakes. I also have to wonder if we’re allowed to
make jokes at other times of the day. What if we’re no longer at dinner and I
make a joke on the way to the car? Is car walking sarcasm acceptable? If so,
then I will cultivate this as new marketable skill.
#9
Now
this might just be me, but there are very few people I can stand to see more
than three evenings during the week on a consistent basis. I need a lot of me
time. If there was a guy that I could put up with that much I suppose I might
as well get engaged to them.
Of
course these days, “visiting a lady” probably also entails spending the night,
at which point, as per Sheldon Cooper’s definition of dating, you’re
technically living together. See definition below:
“A
girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard when she has
stayed over for A, ten consecutive nights or B, more than nine nights in a
three week period or C: all the weekends of a given month plus three
weeknights.”
I
can’t disagree with Sheldon Cooper. Like you, I also need me time because I’m
an introvert and I need time to recharge before I deal with people again. My
apartment is too small for a guy to be around that much so until I find a
larger place where we could both have our space, I’m okay with this one.
#10
I
actually agree with the idea of this one, but I think it needs tweaking. I
would suggest that you never accept a proposal from someone under the following
circumstances:
They
just had a near-death experience
They’re
drunk
They’re
under the influence of mind altering drugs (whether they be recreational or
medical makes no difference)
Their
nemesis just got engaged
That
being said, I would note that both my father and brother somewhat proposed
while drunk, and while this ended up working out for my father, it didn’t end
well for my brother.
I’m
so glad that you mentioned having a nemesis! You should never do anything if a
person’s (or your) nemesis just did the same thing. This will never end well. I
would also like to add the following items to our list of circumstances in
which you should never accept a proposal:
They
just had lunch with their mother.
Their
sibling just got married, had a baby, or bought a home. Or all three.
They’ve
spent the last several hours on whichever social media site they prefer seeing
all the things that all the people are doing that they’re not.
They
often begin sentences with “I liked (insert subject) before liking them was
cool.”
They
just attended a high school or college reunion.
They
just returned from their best friend’s bachelor/bachelorette party in Las
Vegas.
They
just got a new phone and have not mastered the autocorrect settings.
They
are a werewolf.
#11
For
serious. This is pretty much unavoidable, but using my life theory as
determined by The Sims you can help cut down on some of the unpleasantness. Oh
what, you’ve never heard of my Sims Life Theory? No worries.
If
you’ve never played The Sims before, the main thing to know is that people have
several bars, including a “social” bar, that affect their overall happiness. To
keep the social bar full the Sim must engage in social interaction they enjoy.
This generally means it is with a person they like, or it’s something they’ve
demonstrated liking before. For example, some Sims like a lot of jokes in their
conversation. Some get pissy about people that joke too much (they’re probably
afraid of that link with sarcasm mentioned above). The important thing is that
every Sim needs a different level of interaction to get their bar full, and
then the bar decays at different rates.
What
this boils down to is that it’s important to know how much interaction your
partner likes. If their bar gets full quickly and you keep on joking around
when they want to focus on their low food bar or their full bladder bar, it’s
not going to end well. This is probably what drives people to cannibalism.
I
would probably die in the Sims world. Or become the cannibal in the
neighborhood. Does reading quietly at home with the cat while drinking a glass
of wine have any value in the Sims world?
\#12
I
suck at leaving. Unless I legitimately have something I need to do, I tend to
be the person that lingers. This probably ties in with my #FOMO issues. I am
convinced that if I leave a party, or leave my friends, something awesome will
happen. This fear is more prevalent in our generation than you realize. Besides
earning a catchy abbreviation, it has also shown up in popular shows like How
I Met Your Mother where the person leaving and missing the awesomeness
becomes known as the Blitz. You know what, it probably would behoove me to
start leaving things more often. This might be my May project. Or maybe June,
because there should be some good stuff going on in May…
One
of my favorite movies from the late 80s is Shag. It’s about a group of
friends in 1964 South Carolina who take a trip to Myrtle Beach to have one last
adventure before they head off to their futures. Annabeth Gish plays Pudge (her
real name is Caroline) and Bridget Fonda plays Malaina. Malaina is the
authority on boys and as you can guess from the nickname, Pudge is the quiet,
awkward one who used to be fat. Anyway, Pudge falls for a boy named Chip and
Malaina’s advice to her is to treat him like dirt, walk away, and then give him
10 minutes to apologize (even if he did nothing). That’s how you get your man -
you treat them poorly and walk away. Pudge listens to this nonsense then
decides Malaina is wrong. She and Chip enter that dance contest and all is
righted in the universe. I guess the whole art of leaving idea is to cultivate
your mystery because mystery equals allure. And allure is what all the men in
the world are interested in. Or something.
#13
I’m
not going to lie, I instantly judge people based on their spelling and grammar.
I am willing to overlook what I view as “style” choices, like texting/typing
ppl instead of people, if they appear sparingly. Pure misspelling though is an
instant turnoff. Especially since almost everything this day has spell check!
What, are you deliberately misspelling those messages? Do you think that makes
you cool?! It doesn’t. It makes me want to smack you roughly about the
head with a dictionary so I can pretend it may be brain damage causing the
issue.
I
started teaching high school right around the time texting was surpassing
instant messaging as the communication choice of teenagers. I spent countless
evenings grading writing assignments that included text speak rather than
actual words. Between that and the misspellings, the papers were always a sea
of red. I could never be this blunt with my students but what was always going
through my mind as I graded was, “This makes you look like an idiot.”
There’s
a line the song “Friday Night” by The Darkness that sums up my feelings about
this:
See the lady I adore
Dancing on the dancing floor
Dancing on a Friday night
God, the way she moves me
To write bad poetry
Dancing on a Friday night
With you.
I
don’t care if you write bad poetry about me, just make sure it’s spelled
correctly.
#14
Not
to bring in some political madness or anything, but how does that account for
same-sex relationships? Are they automatically better?
Taking
gender out of it, I actually think this ties in with this amazing theory that
some of my old coworkers introduced me to (old as in sadly former, not old as
in age. If for some reason they end up reading this please do not get mad and
come to Texas to injure me) which is called Love Languages. The whole idea is
that people communicate their affection based on they would want to feel loved,
when you should find out what your partner likes and use that method.
Apparently I respond best to people paying attention to me, and doing favors
for me. That makes soooooo much sense and explains like half of my lifetime
crushes.
I’d
definitely suggest checking out this theory. Here’s the website: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Are
you sure we’re not the same person? I just took the Love Languages quiz and I
also like people to pay attention to me through quality time and for them to do
things for me. This makes a ton of sense if I look at my life. What I think
we’re getting at is that people need to communicate with one another about what
they want and don’t want in relationships. It’s not to say that we shouldn’t
compromise when needed but it’s important to understand how the person you love
or care for deeply responds best or what they need to feel loved and
appreciated. One of my friends told me, not too long after the birth of her
first child, that the only thing she wanted from her husband was for him to do
the dishes. She would change the diapers, get up in the middle of the night,
whatever else but she had no energy for the dishes. That was more important to
her than any token or kind word he could have said - she needed the gesture. So
I guess what we’re both saying is that, yes, each person loves and wants to be
loved in their own way. It’s the combination of the two parts that makes it
work.
#15
Because
I basically live my life off Jennifer Crusie books, I would simplify this to a
quote from Faking It:
“Very few people mate for life with the people they fall for at twelve.
Doesn't mean it isn't real, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, doesn't mean it
doesn't matter, but basically, we're talking a practice swing in the big game
of love.”
Of
course if you have a foolproof method for identifying which is a practice swing
and which is the big game, then you should tell me. Or alternatively write a
book about it and make a million dollars (and then share with me).
I
too love Jennifer Crusie (Jessica introduced me to her) and love this quote so
much. I remember the boy I liked at age 12 would not even be on my radar now
mostly because he insisted on wearing his collar popped every time he wore a
polo shirt. I could also argue that the last guy I dated is not someone I would
consider today either and that wasn’t that long ago. We all need our practice
swings. I would also say that if anyone thinks fly-fishing is easy, they have
never seen the movie A River Runs Through It. However, it’s also
possible I was blinded by Craig Sheffer’s attractiveness.
And
that's it for us! I hope you enjoyed our expert advice, and keep it in mind as
you frolic about this weekend whether you're seeking a mate, currently in a
relationship, or partial to sheep. #nojudge
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