FtF: Technology is a Ruiner

It’s been a long time since I’ve done a For the Few post, mainly because I keep talking about movies that no one even cares if they’re spoiled. Road Trip technically might classify as another of those movies, but I do adore it, so to be safe let’s start with the general warning of SPOILERS AHEAD!

In case you somehow missed seeing Road Trip, let’s start with the basic background. It came out in the summer of 2000 and was an instant classic with horny teenagers around the world. The movie revolves around 4 college guys that drive from Ithaca NY to Austin TX in 3 short days in order to retrieve a package mailed in error. It’s full of nudity, sex jokes, and Tom Green being insane. It spawned the need for similar movies like EuroTrip which has the classic and classy song “Scotty Doesn’t Know.” And sadly, I realized that due to all the ways technology has advanced and taken over our lives, this movie totally doesn’t work anymore. Watching the movie now requires not only suspension of belief on things like the character’s ages and the sexual willingness of beautiful college girls to hook up with short or nerdy guys, but pretty much every plot point from start to finish. Let’s explore the top 5 ways technology has absolutely ruined Road Trip.

5. The bridge scene.

So our guys start driving from NY to Texas and take a shortcut in PA. They wind up in the middle of nowhere faced with a broken bridge and no alternative way across the road. This starts a hilarious sequence that ends with a blown up car. The problem is they would never actually get to this point. There’s no way they’d be simply driving about using a map. Who uses maps these days?? At least one guy in the car would have their destination entered on some sort of GPS app. Even if they decided to not follow the suggested route, there were be some sort of indication the bridge was broken. Heck, there’d probably be some sort of little broken bridge picture on the GPS when they looked at the road. I’m not sure what that looks like, but it’d probably be cute. 

4. The missing son.

One of the guys, Kyle, has a very controlling father that becomes convinced Kyle is kidnapped. He tracks his son across the country leading up to an interesting confrontation in Austin. In reality, it wouldn’t have taken him that long to find Kyle. First of all, the guys talk Kyle into using the credit card his dad gave him for emergencies. I guarantee these days Kyle’s father would have some sort of notification tied to that credit card, and would know that Kyle wasn’t still in Ithaca long before the blown up car was found. Second, this guy is a total control freak. He would absolutely have given Kyle a cell phone, and there would certainly be a “find my phone” feature. As soon as he realized Kyle was missing he would have tried calling, and even if Kyle refused to answer (due to fear of his father), he would have used the location detection. There might still be a side story with Kyle’s parents, but it would be resolved much earlier.

3. Austin/Boston mix up.

One of the other side stories in the movie involves Beth, who slept with Josh, tracking down Josh’s girlfriend to let her know Josh was cheating on her. Hilarity ensues when she is mistakenly directed to the University of Boston instead of the University of Austin. Today, that is not in any way, shape, or form even remotely feasible. From the very first scene with Beth and Josh you can tell she is interested in him. Before they ever hooked up she would have social channel stalked the heck out of him. She’d not only know his girlfriend’s correct college, but also what she looked like, whether they were really in a relationship (as Beth thought they were broken up when she slept with Josh), but probably even know the date they got together years and years ago. Tell me I’m wrong. Go ahead, try. She probably also wouldn’t have still felt the need to go in person, as she could simply send Tiffany a little message of “oh hey, nailed the crap out of your bf the other night. #YOLO! #mybad”

2. “Cheating.”

Now again, the entire reason Beth sleeps with Josh is she thinks he’s single. To be fair, Josh kind of thinks that too. I’m not even going to comment on how this is the perfect example of guy versus girl mindset (Josh basically assumes that since Tiffany hasn’t contacted him in a few days that she’s off sleeping her way through every man in Austin and he’s free to do what he wants without you know, ever CONFIRMING THE BREAKUP. Okay, I lied, I’m commenting on this. WTF is wrong with men?? You couldn’t keep it in your pants like an extra day to maybe make sure you’re single first?) It turns out that Tiffany hasn’t been talking to Josh because her grandfather died, and they’ve been missing each other’s phone calls.

So let’s break this down. Does anyone even still use dorm phones? No. They would have cells, and even if they didn’t catch each other there would have been a record of all the missed calls. Most likely some texts would have been exchanged. At the very least, even if Tiffany isn’t one of those girls to post her entire life on FB, some well-meaning relative would be leaving “so sorry for your loss!” all over her wall. Josh would know his relationship status long before he ever saw Beth at the party. Beth would know his status before the party. If any “cheating” occurred, it would have been on purpose and not cause for a cross-country guilt trip.

1. The entire premise of the road trip.

Simply put, nobody mails videos anymore. Josh and Tiffany would be having regular Skype sessions instead of mailing back and forth super weird videos. Even assuming Josh went ahead and recorded something for Tiffany, it wouldn’t be then mailed in a package. It might be uploaded online, or sent in an email, but if that was the case Josh wouldn’t have any “race against the clock” to fetch the video. Either he’d have a way to take it offline immediately, or Tiffany would see it (although previews for the movie Sex Tape seem to assume otherwise, so I could be wrong on that). In addition, his friend wouldn’t accidentally upload/send it on his behalf. It would have some sort of file name, and even Rubin probably would recognize the difference between a file like “Vid for Tiffany” and “Super Sexy Times with Beth.” Okay, let’s pretend Josh is discreet for a half second and the file names weren’t clear. You can see the timestamp of the file!! Plus, in order to send the video Rubin would need access to some sort of account for Josh. You think a college guy isn’t going to be too busy trying to see/mess up as much as his friend’s stuff as possible? If not, clearly we are not friends with the same kind of people.

You see what I mean about technology being a ruiner?

That’s not to say one can’t still watch and enjoy Road Trip. There are many funny moments involving snakes and random body parts, and if nothing else it lends itself easily to drinking games.

FtF: The Rage Virus – Proof Chivalry Does Exist

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So I realized these posts are similar to my Snow White & The Huntsman post in that unless you like spoilers, they are really For the Few who have seen 28 Weeks Later. I suspect I will do this with other movies in the future, so from now on when you see an entry start with FtF you will know there’s some definite spoiler potential ahead.

The thing with 28 Weeks Later is that it takes convention and throws it out the window. For starters, there’s the whole issue of the zombies. Zombies are supposed to be slow, stupid, and dead. The zombies of 28 Weeks Later are still alive, just infected with the rage virus. While they’re not brain surgeons to be sure, they’re not as stupid as typical zombies. And those suckers are SPEEDY. They don’t just shamble around. Oh no, they run.

If that’s not bad enough, the process of infection is much faster as well. Now almost every zombie movie, book, or video game has its own version of how the zombie epidemic starts, but past that the infection process is pretty standard. A bite or scratch will infect a live person, but it normally still takes a while for them to die and switch over. Not the rage virus. About 60 seconds past being bitten, a person is well and truly infected and running amuck. And you don’t even have to get bitten! These things spew their infected blood all over the place (gross) and if that gets into your system you’re doomed.

I suppose the only good thing about the rage virus victims is that since they’re still alive, they can also die a little easier than true zombies. This is only a slight advantage though. You still have to kill them. They don’t really seem to respond to pain, so regular incapacitation doesn’t work. Plus you have to make sure it’s not a messy kill so you don’t get infected blood in the system.

Not only does 28 Weeks Later change the expectations for “zombies,” the series also plays on expectations in crisis situations. The first movie took the idea of the military as a safe haven and blew it to smithereens. The second movie plays with this some more, but also looks at individual reactions.

The movie starts with a small group of survivors during the crazy days of infection. They are holed up in hiding, and an uninfected kid turns up. There’s some debate in the group over whether to let him in or not, but Alice, being a mother, insists on bringing him in. Her husband Don, while not looking thrilled, goes along with it.

It’s no real surprise when the infected show up shortly after. The kid runs to hide upstairs instead of escaping to the barn as the survivors had planned. At first, Don fights off the infected while Alice runs to help the kid. When Don goes to get them Alice refuses to leave without the kid. They end up at separate ends of a room when the infected burst in, and while Alice screams for Don to help he turns tail and flees.

Which sucks. I mean really there probably wasn’t much he could do since he’d dropped his weapon, but the idea of a husband completely abandoning his wife to a cruel end isn’t exactly cheering. Don escapes the house and even sees Alice in a window, but he doesn’t even move to help her before he can see her being attacked. You’ll note that when he tells his kids about what happens he presents the situation in a completely different light. Why? Because he knows he’s a rat bastard coward.

Now in the course of events, weeks later Don ends up infected and runs mad infecting tons of other survivors in a military safe zone. Scarlet is the medical officer that decides to save his children. The movie has already established the stereotype that women want to save children. I don’t really argue with that one. Sure, it’s not true for everyone, but in the same situation I’d try to save a child too. But in Scarlet’s case, her motivations are actually less maternal. She believes the kids may have a genetic trait that can lead to a cure for the rage virus. Thus she prioritizes their lives as needed for the greater good.

And finally, we’re to Doyle. The movie has already shown us an example of a horrible male “protector” in Don. Doyle is the other end of the scale – he’s like the perfect person to have handy during a zombie apocalypse. Besides being sexy, he’s strong, a good shooter, and tries to get a group to safety.

One of the things I like about movies versus books, is that I think movies leave more up to interpretation when it comes to character motivations. You’re not in the character’s head the same way you are with books. You only have their words and actions to work with. Doyle’s actions can be taken in two different ways.

The first interpretation could be that Doyle is just an outstanding human being that cares about the children. After all, when the military is killing everyone on site he abandons his post after seeing he would need to shoot the children with all the others. He has the same instinct as Alice to get the children to safety. But since he’s also just a good person, he helps the rest of the survivor group as well.

The second interpretation could be that Doyle secretly is in love with Scarlet. This is also hinted at, as earlier in the movie we see him watching her. And wouldn’t you know it, she just happens to be in the group of survivors he’s helping.

I like this interpretation better. Not only because I’m secretly a romantic at heart, but also because I think it fits more with the movie. It would explain why Doyle continues to help Scarlet. She tells him why the kids are more important, but Doyle keeps helping her hobble along as they escape. When you have freaking fast rage victims chasing you, you want to be fast too. The woman with a gunshot wound in the leg is not going to be the speediest companion. Yet Doyle never abandons her.

In the end, when they are stuck in the car, Doyle sacrifices himself for Scarlet and the kids to escape. Personally, I think it makes more sense at this point to assume he has a thing for Scarlet. Otherwise, it would be more logical to have Scarlet push the car. Doyle has the better chance of getting the kids out. Yet he wants to give all of them a chance to escape, willing to die an agonizing death (I am soooooo not fond of people burning to death) to see them to safety.

I find this particularly striking when we compare Doyle’s actions for people he doesn’t even really know, despite his potential romantic interest in Scarlet, to freaking Don who willingly abandoned his wife. Doyle’s death, while noble, is heart-breakingly tragic.

I suppose one of the reasons this sticks in my mind so much is because really, I’m pretty sure I would die in a world with zombies or the rage virus.

My friends and I used to have some safety plans for the zombie apocalypse. They mostly involved being around guys like our friend Fitzwilliam who were more likely to be effective at killing zombies. My other main plan was to hang out with my brother, who’d probably be pretty decent at staying alive too.

My problem is I have no faith in myself surviving on my own. I’m not particularly fast when running. I tend to fall a lot. Nor can I count on killing zombies. While I can shoot a gun with some accuracy, I definitely can’t guarantee making a kill shot.

Plus, at the end of the day, I don’t really think in a survival situation anyone would make sure I make it. While I love my brother dearly, he tends to get distracted. I would see this going more along the lines of him trying to round up survivors, because he is a decent person, and wandering along only paying attention to the immediate threat in front of him, and then going “hey has anyone seen my sister?” when meanwhile I’ve been munched on for the past 20 minutes.

It’s not that I want anyone to sacrifice themselves for me, like Doyle. That’s just far too tragic for my tastes. But it’d be comforting if I knew they’d make an effort to help me escape. Sadly though, I think Doyle is the exception to the rule. I think the world is full of Dons.