Little Bit Brad Pitt

Have you watched multiple Brad Pitt movies? Have you noticed yet that he has the obsessive need to have something in his mouth at all times? Whether he’s eating in a scene, chewing gum or whatever it is that men chew (is it called chew? Is that a thing? I could google it but I’m lazy), or sucking on a spoon, his mouth is always in use.

I get it, Brad Pitt. I do. It’s called an oral fixation, and you are not alone.

But for those of you that think oral fixations are all memes and blowjob jokes, it’s more than that. Let’s start with the facts.

The oral stage is a Freud thing. Do you remember Freud? He’s the guy that thought your personality was developed through psychosexual stages.  An oral fixation occurred when one was weaned too early or late, and could lead to issues with eating, drinking, smoking, or nail biting. Now that’s an awkward conversation to have with your mom (Happy early Mother’s Day, thanks for weaning me early because you popped out another kid right away, amiright??!).   

Unless you’re trying to get free drinks at a bar, you probably don’t want to admit to an oral fixation. You can’t move forward until you recognize a problem though, so let’s talk again about my on-again, off-again relationship with Diet Pepsi.

Some of you may have wondered why I have such a hard time giving up Diet Pepsi. Why I can’t just switch to coffee or some less toxic form of caffeine, and move on with my life. Well, I’ve decided it comes down to three things:

1.     Similar caffeine amounts

2.     Ease of access

3.     Hydration issues/Oral fixation

I actually tried recently drinking coffee instead of Diet Pepsi in the afternoon. What I very quickly discovered is that there is a HUGE difference in caffeine between them. I thought I was pretty baller when it came to caffeine because I drink a ridiculous amount of pop and it doesn’t affect me. I ordered an Americano at Starbucks because I didn’t know what it was but saw that it didn’t have a lot of calories. I wasn’t bouncing off the walls per se, but I was literally bouncing everywhere I walked and talking like a crazy person for the rest of the afternoon.

So when it comes to caffeine, I find tea or iced tea a better substitute, until you start talking about ease of access. We don’t have iced tea that I like at work. We don’t even have regular tea that I like at work. So if I want tea of some sort, I either need to bring it or go run and get some every day. I don’t always have that kind of extra time in the workday to make a caffeine run.

But the real deal breaker is my hydration issue, which stems from my oral fixation. See, drinking is how I keep my mouth occupied. You can’t snack all day without gaining weight and I’m not a huge gum fan because I don’t want to necessarily be chewing, so I drink something.

I drink more in a day than you. I am absolutely confident in this statement. Because not only am I drinking Diet Pepsi all day, I’m drinking water too. Oh, and I normally start my morning with shakeology for breakfast, so I’m also drinking that. And maybe a glass (or two) of wine in the evening.

Let me put this in numbers to make this more understandable. I recently read a Thrillist article about a man drinking a gallon of water every day as part of a challenge. I read it and laughed, because I was pretty sure I already drink a gallon of water a day.  So I tracked my intake for a few days, and guess what, I drink around 130 ounces of water EVERY SINGLE WEEKDAY without even trying. Weekends I do drink less, but I’ve only been out of bed about 3 hours and I’ve already had about 35 ounces of water and 20 ounces of Diet Pepsi, so there’s that.

The thing about drinking so much is that it’s a self-perpetuating cycle. You get thirsty far easier than your dehydrated friends. If I’m not given something to drink for a 2 hour period, I almost die. Forget hangry, thrangry is the real struggle. You’re also hitting the bathroom constantly.  I’m always convinced that people think I have a bladder problem. I don’t, I swear. If you drank the same amount of liquid you’d be in and out of the bathroom all day too.

That’s why I like Diet Pepsi. It doesn’t go through me as quickly as water, so if I have a long meeting I can focus on drinking Diet Pepsi and don’t need to run out to the bathroom halfway through. That doesn’t work with coffee because the cup quickly runs out, and then I’m drinking water. When I don’t drink Diet Pepsi, I find myself drinking EVEN MORE WATER THAN USUAL. Surely there’s a point at which you get overhydrated (I’m purposely not googling this one because I don’t want to make myself paranoid)? 

So I feel you, Brad Pitt. People may laugh at your oral fixation, but I get it. If you read this and want to have our own private support group, I’m totally in.