The Original Heat Vampire

I promise I didn’t come back from a few week hiatus just to write about more vampires. And while we’re at it, let me apologize for not posting. My bad, guys. I was totally too busy for you, but I mean that in the nicest way possible.

It’s fall! Woot! I do rather like the fall. I’d be hard pressed to say which is my favorite season, but fall does have a bit of a magical quality to it. Plus it promises things like pumpkin pie, Halloween, and boot season.

Of course with the fall comes the cold. That’s the part I’m not looking forward to. I hate the cold. I can stand it long enough to run out in the snow and play around for a bit, but I damn well better come back into someplace warm with hot chocolate waiting for me.

This really is one of those big life questions you debate with your friends in the middle of the night. Would you rather be hot or cold? I’d go hot every time. My brother argues endlessly with me over this one. Because when you’re hot, all you can do is take clothes off, and eventually you run out of clothes. Whereas when you’re cold, you can always put more clothing/blankets on.

That may be true, but the thing about clothes/blankets is they work by holding in your heat. I, somehow, have no heat. At least the majority of the time. I overheat in the middle of the night constantly, which is why I sleep with an assortment of fans and very tiny pajamas.

 You see, I am The Original Heat Vampire. If you are not familiar with the term, it is on urban dictionary but personally I think it was invented for me, thus why I always refer to myself as The Original Heat Vampire. Do not forget The Original part of my title. My wrath knows no bounds. Do not listen to those of my friends that compare my angry face to a pouty teddy bear. It’s a lie. Really. I totally can look angry when I want.

I was reminded of my heat vampire status yesterday at brunch (side note, I think brunch may be my favorite thing ever… both breakfast & lunch food available, but you don’t have to eat it early in the morning. Score!). It had been drizzling outside so I was wearing jeans, but it was so cold in the restaurant that the longer we sat there the more I froze. It didn’t help once I ate all my food and was just drinking ice water. Lacking external heat, and unable to produce my own, I could tell my The Original Heat Vampire side was starting to show.

Sadly, as The Original Heat Vampire I am morally bound to not prey upon the unwilling. Well not too much anyway. So I refused to steal heat from the others at the table. This was probably for the best, as they looked a little cold as well. Of course, as The Original Heat Vampire there’s a huge difference between them looking cold, and me looking cold. I could see my nails had already turned that lovely shade of purple. I was willing to bet my lips were becoming blueish. I had goosebumps and was very close to compulsive shivering. All this just from being in a slightly chilled restaurant!

You can imagine how much worse this gets in the winter. This is when I can’t resist using my The Original Heat Vampire powers. I shiver and look helpless until someone approaches me, and then strike out. My hands grab any available skin surface, and the heat leeching begins.

It’s not fatal to the victim, but they sure don’t enjoy it either. For one, my hands are usually comparable to ice blocks. I refuse to touch myself when in full The Original Heat Vampire mode. For another, as I steal more and more heat, reverting from The Original Heat Vampire into a normal person, they become the cold one. Maybe it’s not the nicest thing to do, but on the other hand their heat regenerates. Mine apparently does not.

I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for upcoming trips this month back north. I have been ridiculously enjoying the Texas heat, but I worry this means I no longer can function at normal fall temperatures. I’m thinking I need to pack my knee high socks. In case that’s not enough, this is warning to the friends I’ll be seeing in Pittsburgh. The Original Heat Vampire may soon be among you.