All of the recent press around Fifty Shades of Grey has been
reminding me of one (of many) of the reasons I hate both that book and the
whole Twilight series. Beyond the crappy writing and lack of personality for
the main character, both books share this really annoying habit where the
female lead has men falling at her feet but continually thinks herself
unattractive. This drives me more insane than even the “Inner Goddess” crap (I
mean really, your response to something is that your Inner Goddess gets in a
lotus position? If such a thing existed, my Inner Goddess would be more along
the lines of Inner Sakura. She’d alternatively want to beat the crap out of
people and jump their bones. Maybe eat some chocolate too).
To me, this comes across as a really horrible manifestation
of the pervading habit of girls to say/think they’re not as pretty as they are.
Let’s start with a common example. Go back quite a few years
in your memory, and think of the movie Mean Girls. Sure, it seems funny when Regina traps Cady
into admitting she’s pretty and acting like it’s a horrible thing. I’m not
going to lie, I laughed. The problem is that behind that funny scene is a
truth. Women are judged for admitting they are attractive. Even if a woman is
stunningly beautiful, she is immediately condemned in our minds. Saying you’re
“hot” or “beautiful” is tantamount to having a huge ego. Thus women have
learned to downplay how they talk about their attractiveness.
I was playing around on imdb.com the other day, and I found
this quote from one of my favorite actresses, Gemma Arterton: “In comparison to
many actresses I think I’m really average – when I got the Bond film Quantum of
Solace there was this big hoo-ha about me not being hot enough, I have to say I
agree – I don’t think I’m in that realm.”
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| BEAUTIFUL, DAMNIT |
Personally, I find Gemma stunningly beautiful, but even she
feels the need to negatively compare herself to others. This is a common
response from women – maybe I’m hot/pretty/beautiful, but not as
hot/pretty/beautiful as someone else.
There are two issues at work here. One, again, is the
culture that women shouldn’t admit they’re crazy attractive. If you don’t
believe me yet that this is a thing, I have more examples for you. We laud the
girl that “doesn’t know she’s beautiful.” Not only are there songs about it
(here’s looking at you, One Direction), there are movies, cartoons, and of
course books. The whole idea of a book like Fifty Shades of Grey making the
main character not know her own beauty worth is that then, as readers, we can
“relate.” Because of course if you’re a girl, you don’t know you’re attractive,
and that makes you hotter.
WTF WORLD!?
The bigger problem is the second issue in play – insecurity.
A lot of times the reason women won’t celebrate their attractiveness is because
they genuinely don’t believe it. They are falling into the trap of comparing
themselves to others, and they don’t like the comparison. You’ll find people
are much more willing to own up to being “pretty” than “beautiful,” because
pretty is less threatening. And if you have even a hint of insecurity (which
you probably do), saying you’re “beautiful” opens up the floodgates for
criticism. Which WILL happen. We have tons of articles about all our beautiful
celebrities, and then minutes later we’ll condemn them for bad makeup, poor
clothing choice, or messed up hair. So for girls that don’t think they measure
up to that level, how are they supposed to feel confident enough to declare
their beauty?
I’m not saying that everyone falls into the traditional
“beauty” standards. I’m also not saying they should. The whole issue with
beauty is that it’s a question of perception. What I find attractive is not the
same thing you find attractive, EVEN WHEN COMPARING TRADITIONALLY ATTRACTIVE
EXAMPLES. Get past the idea that you should be thin, blond, big-eyed, and
pouty-lipped.
What I am saying, is that women shouldn’t be afraid to
celebrate their own beauty. I know it’s hard. Trust me, I know. Some people
suggest things like picking favorite features and feeling confident in those.
That’s not a bad idea, depending on how you go about it.
When I was younger I decided I really liked my lips because
everyone told me that plump lips are good, and if nothing else you can
absolutely say my lips are plump. In a world where beauty is subjective, that
seemed like the easiest, concrete reason to like a feature. Then one day I was
hanging out with a then ex-boyfriend in the middle of the night, and we
randomly got on the topic of my good features, and to my shock my lips were not
one of them, because, as he told me, “they’re not that great.” That was a huge
blow to the confidence scale for awhile. Since I had picked this feature
because of other people’s opinion, suddenly having a bad opinion threw me for a
loop. If people didn’t like the features I thought
they should like, how could I be confident about any of them?
So trust me when I say I know the struggle. It feels like it
should be better to underestimate your beauty than to overestimate it, and have
people disagree.
But that’s stupid. You need to remember first of all that
your beauty does NOT determine your worth as a person. And second, since beauty
is subjective STOP trying to live up to someone’s standards. Figure out what
you like about how you look, and for the love of all that’s holy, BE CONFIDENT
IN IT.
I think books like Fifty Shades of Grey and Twilight teach us to not
believe in our own beauty. They tell girls to base their confidence solely on what some guy
(Edward, Christian) says about it, when they should be teaching them to celebrate their beauty no matter what. I’d rather teach girls to be confident in who
they are, and yes, their physical appearance is part of that. You should know
you’re beautiful in some way, but you should also know it’s only one part of
what makes you, you. Beauty should never be your everything, but you also
shouldn’t downplay what you like about yourself just because of other people’s
opinions.
For the record, I like my lips again. Not because I think I
should like them, but because they’re soft, expressive, and I love that I can
wear almost any lip color and still work it. I’d like them more if they
wouldn’t turn blue so easily, but that’s another matter. And maybe there are
people that think “they’re not that great,” but I don’t see how that changes
the things I like about them. Maybe they’ll never be as plump as Angelina
Jolie’s lips, but I don’t see why I should care about her. In fact, I don’t see
why I need to even give you reasons for why I like them or anything else about
myself. I don’t justify liking my car, or my excessive love of Taco Bell, so
why need to justify what I like about my appearance?
I want you to know what things about yourself you find
beautiful and rock it with the same confidence and faith as anything else you
truly believe. It might not feel easy, but the more you can declare to yourself
“I’m hot/pretty/drop dead gorgeous/beautiful” (feel free to use your preferred
descriptive) the more confident you’ll feel saying it, and that is its own kind
of beauty.
