We Kill Witches. What Do You Do?

I was at dinner last week with my friend Pietro and some of his friends when a commercial for Hansel & Gretel, Witch Hunters came on the tv. My reaction was instantaneous. Pietro ignored me, as he’s known me for years and is used to this sort of thing. His friends were quite startled. “Are you really THAT excited for this movie?” they seemed desperate to know (to be fair, due to my super excitement I was pretty much bouncing in my seat in the middle of the restaurant). I had to explain over and over just how amazingly awesome it was that the movie was finally about to be out. They gave me blank stares.

Of course I saw Hansel & Gretel over the weekend. Heck, I’d probably see it again if I could talk someone into it. And having seen it, I can say I LOVE the movie. Of course I can also say I think a large number of people are going to hate it. It’s just one of those.

Who will like Hansel & Gretel? People that like stylized, over-the-top violence, bad ass characters, snarky humor, and aren’t expecting a great plot. Picture a combo of fairy tales, sarcasm, and 300.

I have to say I am so incredibly happy the movie turned out well. I found the imdb page ages ago, and as the release date kept getting pushed back I started to fret that this would be another Snow White & The Huntsman. That may have ruined my year. I am already counting down the days until Hansel & Gretel is out on video and I can buy it and watch it a bajillion times.

Since I love this movie so much, I’m not going to do a For The Few post with spoilers. Oh no, I can’t even imagine accidentally spoiling this movie for any of those rare individuals that’ll love it like I do. Instead, I’m going to do the next best thing: a list of my favorites! Nothing below will impact your experience watching the movie. Pinky swear.

• The candy house from the beginning. It looks awesome. I have been seriously craving giant lollipops for the past week.
• Jeremy Renner as Hansel. You already know I love Jeremy Renner. Nothing in this movie goes against that. He’s edging dangerously close to Hugh Jackman on my potential celebrity boyfriend list.
• Jeremy Renner rolling under the bed. I cackled.
• Gemma Arterton as Gretel. I’ve loved Gemma Arterton since Prince of Persia. She is AMAZING as Gretel. I want to be Gretel for any upcoming costume events.
• Peter Stomare. If you don’t recognize the name, he’s had such interesting roles such as Satan in Constantine, Serge in Chocolat, and the guy eaten by compys in The Lost World: Jurassic Park (which I consider one of the worst deaths in that movie btw. I’d much rather be eaten in one or two chomps than slowly picked to death. Gross). In Hansel & Gretel he’s a giant jerkface.
• The anachronistic weapons. Love ‘em.
• The anachronistic constant swearing. Certain people need their mouth(s) washed out with soap.
• The sibling interactions. This is how I imagine my brother and I acting if we were totally awesome witch hunters.
• THE GORE! Oh, the many ways a person can splatter…
• The fanfiction potential. Seriously, people need to get on this. Stat.