This past week I finally went to my first strip club! My
life has previously been bereft of strip clubs. That’s not to say that I
haven’t had other strip experiences. I’ve gone to a few male strip shows. I
also recently saw Magic Mike XXL and
had a very similar experience as
my friend Erin where people basically treated the movie like the strippers
were actually there. Yet somehow I hadn’t made it to a real strip club. I’ve
even been to Las Vegas MANY times, with guy friends, and they’re always like
“no I don’t like strip clubs I don’t wanna go wah wah wah.”
I suppose most people don’t find it concerning that they haven’t
been to a strip club, but I will readily admit that the more I can’t have
something the more I want it. So when I found out last minute that I was now
part of a birthday event involving a strip club, I was ECSTATIC.
And unlike many other things in life, the actual experience
did NOT disappoint. Not only did I have a pretty epic time, I also learned
several important things about going to strip clubs.
Let’s set the scene! This was a birthday event for one of my
male friends. The night started at a bar downtown. I had prepared with a mutual
female friend. We had gotten some cash, pregamed, and agonized together over
what exactly one wears on a super hot night to go to a bar and then strip club.
Our final decision was jean skirts and cute shirts. This was a bad decision,
and I will explain why later.
Anywho, so we started downtown meeting our guy friend and
one of his friends. I realize if we keep saying friend over and over this is
going to get confusing, but I am also loathe to name people who may not want to
admit they were involved in this madness, so I’m giving everybody code names.
Female friend is now FF, bday friend is BDF, and his various friends are X1,
X2, and X3.
X1-3 showed up at the bar as we were drinking and waiting
for 10:15, when apparently a limo was coming to get us. I had never met any of
the X friends before. They were all males, and all apparently familiar with the
strip club life. All were quickly told this was going to be my first time. All
begged me to get a lap dance, and I said I’d consider it.
At 10:15 our limo showed up, and this was when I started my
learning experience. You see, I assumed somebody had rented a limo from some
random limo place. You know, like little girls do for their sweet 16 or prom or
whatever. No.
Lesson Learned 1: Apparently, strip clubs have special limos
you can get to come pick you up. You can tell it’s a strip club limo as unlike
normal ones, there is a giant tv in the limo playing videos of the strip club.
X1 kept recognizing people in the video. X1 may be a little overly familiar
with that particular strip club.
We got to the strip club, and first thing I noticed was the
ATM in the corner. Here FF and I were all concerned about making sure we had a
bunch of cash, and they keep an ATM right in the lobby. I bet it charges a lot
though, so maybe it’s still a good idea to bring your own cash.
We were quickly ushered to our table area. We apparently had
bottle service, so there was a giant bottle of vodka at our table along with
several mixers. We were barely there a minute before the swarm of women
appeared.
Lesson Learned 2: If nothing else, this confirmed the age-old adage that everyone has different tastes. There was every possible kind of beautiful woman you could imagine, and the six of us had very different opinions on which were the most beautiful. Several times, all I could think of was the moment in Fired Up! when they're looking around at all the hot girls saying "it's like the hot-chick produce aisle! I don't even know where to start. Do we go from tall to short or blond to redhead? Maybe just iPod-shuffle mode."
Oh and the dances! Let’s talk about that. I ended up getting
3 lap dances over the course of the evening. When we first arrived X3 had spent
a few minutes explaining some general rules of the club. A dance is determined
by when the song ends. A dance is $20. Shortly thereafter FF decided to buy me
a dance.
Lesson Learned 3:
Strippers will cheat the dance rules. Okay maybe not all of them, but
definitely that first dance I got was the worst. It was like 30 seconds, and
then she charged both me, and FF, because neither one of us realized the other
had paid. CHEATING I TELL YOU!
Dance 2 was shared with X1, and involved much more talent.
Also this was when I realized that strippers smell AMAZING. I don’t know how
they do that. I should have asked, as some of them were way more talkative than
others. I also noted that the clever strippers took off their ridiculously tall
shoes to give lap dances. Very smart of them.
I probably would have been quite happy not getting any more
dances at that point, but BDF decided to buy me another one, and I figured it’d
be rude to say no to the birthday boy.
Lesson Learned 4:
Do not wear a skirt to the strip club. My third dancer was my favorite. She was
super nice. They had told her it was my first time there. She led me over to
the side and to my shock, pushed my legs apart. This was the beginning of some
acrobatic feats my mind can barely begin to process. I probably would have
enjoyed the experience more had I not been concerned the entire time that I was
flashing the rest of the room.
This also brings up one of the things I never quite learned
the entire night – what does one do with their hands? Are you or are you not
allowed to touch the strippers?? I thought I wasn’t supposed to, but then I’d look
around and people were straight up squeezing things I didn’t think we were
allowed to squeeze.
Now I will say one drawback of being a girl at the strip
club is you get to peek behind the curtain. I wanted to be dazzled by these
women, and I was. But then I’d go to the bathroom and there’d be strippers in
there clearly messed up and ruining the illusion. I don’t understand why the
strippers don’t get their own bathroom. This is another unanswered question I
may have my entire life.
Ooh, another question – what is the point of making it
rain?? Near the end of the night one guy was just throwing tons of $1 all over
the stage as the girl wiggled her butt near him. I understand that if you go up
with money they come dance with you. Okay, I get that. Throwing extra money
keeps them there longer. But this guy was just continually throwing the money. Like
a $1 a second. Surely one can space it out longer? I will tell you now that
stripper did nothing extra special for him (that I saw, on the stage. To be
fair I have no idea if maybe she went to give him an extra dance later) than
she had for anyone else. The sheer amount of money he threw boggles my mind.
She couldn’t even pick it all up! They had to give her buckets. BUCKETS.
It seems like for every moment I learned something I just
had more unanswered questions, and maybe that’s okay. Maybe one is never
supposed to really understand the wonders of the strip club. Maybe it is meant
to be a memory clothed in confusion and soaked in alcohol. If nothing else was
gained from the night, I am a little more hesitant to ever quit my job and
become a stripper. That shit takes skillz.
