Be Afraid

Almost everyone has a horror story around bringing a significant other home for the holidays. And while we can all agree that every family is their own brand of crazy, I think it’s safe to say that my dad’s side of the family may be a little worst than the norm.

I grew up enjoying tales of the hijinks my aunts and uncles put any potential newcomers through. Some were amusing but harmless – like when they declared it was “weird hat day” or when they went through the house and turned all the photos upside down in their frames. They played a few pranks on girl/boyfriends that were foolish enough to meet the family, but by far the worst shenanigans were whenever someone was engaged. My uncle Dave is still a little bitter about the family vote on whether or not he was allowed to marry my aunt Deb. Of course, it wasn’t a vote in the normal sense. That would be far too easy.

What actually happened was that for Easter dinner, one of my other aunts put eggs full of m&ms at each plate. After the dinner was over, they announced that it was the official vote on whether Dave was accepted into the family, and anyone that ate their m&ms was voting against Dave. Both Deb and Dave are chocolate lovers, so they were dismayed to discover they had inadvertently voted against Dave by eating their candy. In the end the vote to accept Dave passed, but it was a very near thing.

There hasn’t been too much crazy in my generation yet. We like to pick on any significant others with small things, like encouraging them to drink a lot or targeting them when we play games. One Christmas when my brother brought his girlfriend of the time, somebody wrapped a fake diamond ring and stuck it in with the gifts, but thankfully somebody else overruled them and took it out of the pile before madness could ensue.

Of course, until this year no one has been engaged out of my group of cousins. This year though, my cousin Kristen was the first Cameron of our generation to bring a fiancée back for Christmas.

There was a lot of texting, and emailing, and eventually it was decided my father was in charge of coming up with the plan to torture Kristen and Matthew, her fiancée. While we were on vacation in November my dad and I plotted all sorts of potential scenarios about what we could do. My mother didn’t contribute much, possibly because she’s too much of a goody two shoe, or maybe because she didn’t have to go through too much to get into the family.

Once we had a really good idea I floated it past my brother, some of his friends, and some of my friends to see general reactions. When my brother thought it was brilliant and friends thought it was insane, I decided we had an official plan. Given that I was (and still am for next year, seriously why doesn’t anyone else want this job) the Game Commissioner for the day (if you’re unfamiliar with how my family does Christmas, click here to catch up on the awesome), I ended up facilitating things.

My cousin Kristen is a lawyer, so what we decided to do was hold a trial to determine whether or not Matthew was accepted into the Cameron clan.

Impartial Judge Jason

I pretended we were running another game at the end of the night, and then directed Kristen and Matthew to their chairs of honor, Matthew as the defendant and Kristen as his lawyer. I left an empty chair across from them, and then wheeled out my brother’s friend Jason who was acting as our honorable judge for the evening, announcing that as he is not actually part of the family he would be the most impartial and could make a verdict.

Then, I revealed that I had tried to gather character witnesses on Matthew’s behalf, but that none were willing to speak, so instead we had secretly put Matthew through a series of tests over the weekend. One by one I called up other family members to the empty chair to announce the results of these tests.

Shooting Expert Witness Dad

First up was my father, who had taken the adorable couple shooting the day before. He sadly discussed how Kristen clearly outshot Matthew, and that he found this to be very shameful and a point against him.

Drinking Expert Witness Aunt Deb

Next was my aunt Deb, who performed wonderfully considering I had roped her in last minute when one of my brother’s other friends decided against speaking (you may wonder why there are so many random people at our family Christmas. Just more proof of the awesome. If you would ever like to come or want a full detailed description of our games this year let me know!). Deb pointed out that Matthew was drinking red wine, something no one else really does, and how he was barely halfway through the bottle. Moderate drinkers do not keep up with Camerons. Clearly another strike against him.

Walleyball Expert Witness CJ

Finally I called up my brother CJ with the results of the walleyball competition from earlier that day. CJ described how he was really pulling for Matthew to do well, but he was a failure on the court and of course our cousin Kristen really deserves better.

Every so often Kristen tried to make a point or respond to some of the statements, but Judge Jason cut her off. She started to question his (and our) impartialness, but finally I announced that Kristen could now make her case as to why we would allow Matthew to join our illustrious family.

Kristen of course did a stellar job, so good in fact that when we asked Judge Jason for his decision, he agreed with both sides and could not make a final judgment. Instead, he proclaimed that the final game of the evening would determine Matthew’s fate. The planned final game? A poker match, with the victory going to whichever team had the winning player. Matthew was on my team, the reindeers. Unfortunately for him, and as I clarified to the family, the elf team had Jason on it, and Jason is an actual poker champ (like he’s made money doing it).

Kristen & Defendant Matthew questioning the proceedings

For those of you concerned about Matthew’s fate, don’t worry. As Game Commissioner I overruled to remove the poker tournament and allow Matthew into the family. After all he had done a pretty good job all day on the reindeer team, was pretty much solely responsible for winning the corn hole competition, and he took the trial in stride.

Some of my family had questioned why we were carrying on the tradition of torturing potential new members, but I believe in the system. I don’t even care that I could one day go through some similar nonsense. Because the thing is, my family is special. If you stick around long enough you are guaranteed to experience some craziness. I think it’s better to make sure you have someone that can accept that straight off the bat, rather than it being a big surprise later on. Also, my uncle Dave was pretty adamant Matthew should have to go through something. Like I said, he may still be a little bitter. This probably means Kristen and Matthew will take a special interest in whoever is engaged next. So take this as fair warning if you ever consider marrying a Cameron. I don’t know what you’ll go through exactly, but it’s pretty safe to say it’s not going to be your average meet the family.