Game of Thrones - One Family's Obsession

What kind of neek would I be if I didn’t talk about Game of Thrones at some point? I have to say I’m pleasantly surprised at how popular it’s become. I don’t want to pull an “I liked it before it was cool” move, but I totally did. Well, at least before the show was cool. There are many others who liked the books before me, as I didn’t jump in until 2009.

Really, I owe it all to my friend Fitzwilliam. He had the first book in the series, A Game of Thrones, but he didn’t particularly like it. Being a clever and insightful friend he realized it was probably something more along my lines, as he noted when he gave it to me “Hey you want this book? It has incest and dragons.” Score (although one should note that neither of those reasons are why Fitzwilliam disliked the book, he didn’t care for the constant politics, which I also enjoy).

Seriously we're obsessed, this is my brother's wall.

Eventually my family got involved and now it’s our new Harry Potter -  with everyone reading and discussing and threatening each other if they reveal important plot points.

Initially, this wasn’t so much an issue with the television series. Sure, the first season I didn’t watch on a regular basis as I didn’t have HBO at the time. Instead every few weeks I’d go to my friend Chloe’s house and we’d have a lovely day lounging around, catching up on episodes, and eating a lot (so basically all our favorite things). My parents and brother were both watching more often than me, but as the first season stayed very close to the books they couldn’t truly spoil anything.

The second season was a bit more of an issue. The second book was longer than the first, but not as long as the third. So it didn’t break down as easily into the television episodes. They had to start making some drastic changes to the material. Not changes on the level of say, True Blood, but enough that I wasn’t always sure what exactly would happen next.

The biggest challenge was when the family first started reading the books. SOOO much can happen in a single book that when my mother would say she was halfway through A Feast For Crows I couldn’t always remember what happened exactly when. This meant that when the family was happily discussing events I generally stayed quiet.

Then the tables turned. I have this thing with reading. I want to read books. I’m still not sold on reading electronic copies. I do it sometimes, but not often. I also don’t like hardbacks. They’re expensive, and they’re giant. I don’t have enough room on my bookcase as it is. So when A Dance of Dragons came out, my entire family what with their lack of book snobbery downloaded and read it while I impatiently waited for the paperback release. Then for months they tried to talk about it without giving anything away. My mother isn’t particularly good at that (a trait I inherited) so eventually I just gave in and read it on my iPad.

Because by this point, a large portion of the conversation in my family revolves around Game of Thrones. We discuss our favorite characters. My mom, for instance, has a huge crush on Jon Snow. We talk about the characters we don’t like. For months one of my brother’s chief joys was to describe Tywin Lannister to his friends. He calls him the ultimate troll dad.

My family both does and does not identify with the characters from Game of Thrones. Like I said, my brother now calls Tywin Lannister the ultimate troll dad. For many years we thought our father was the ultimate troll dad. In fact my brother even created a comic depicting how our dad got a bit confused on the definition of “trolling” after we kept saying he was “trolling” all the time.

Based on real events!

Now if you’ve ever watched Game of Thrones, or read the books, you probably know that Tywin Lannister is a cruel person, and a horrible father. Don’t be confused and think my daddy is anything like that. Tywin Lannister trolls as a way of controlling those around him, and doesn’t care who he hurts. My father trolls in a more good natured way that doesn’t hurt anyone. He’s probably got much more Ned Stark in him, but with a more realistic way of viewing people.

As for me? My brother has called me a Lannister (which I’m a little insulted by). My dad thinks I’m a Sand Snake (which you haven’t seen on the show yet, give it time, and more seasons). My mother thinks I’m a Targaryen. Probably the best of the lot, considering how much I love Daenerys.

We talk about Game of Thrones so much because we care about the characters. It’s a big deal when they kill someone off. And the problem is based on the newest episode, I’m starting to question if they’re going to kill off more characters in the series that are still alive in the books. You can’t do that to me! I thought they were safe!

When These Snakes Get Jiggy... People DIE

“You can't let the animals die... just the women.”

-Billy, Seven Psychopaths

I considered calling this a For The Few post since there are going to be spoilers for Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid. Of course then I realized that anyone that would care about spoilers has probably already watched the movie. In fact, I think I need to start this post by justifying why exactly I was watching Anacondas in the first place.

It was a typical afternoon at my apartment. I was done with work for the day, and had about an hour or two until jazzercise. This is a very hard time of day for me. I don’t want to get involved in anything too exciting, because it makes it harder for me to stop what I’m doing and go to jazzercise. I don’t want to eat anything, because I’ve finally learned that it’s a bad idea to snack on things like icecream, cookie dough, and frozen pepperoni right before working out. So my solution during this time frame is to read a bit while watching tv. That way I’m not totally invested in either activity. I was browsing the listings trying to find something I’d watched before, but nothing really jumped out. That is, until I saw Anacondas was about to start.

Ta da! Perfect solution. I’ve watched Anaconda before and figured Anacondas would be similarly cheesy and not too distracting. And indeed, at first I was barely paying attention. Scientists, sexual tension, giant snakes, blah blah blah. And then there was Kong. Kong is the pet monkey that lives on the boat, and he is adorable! Near the beginning of the movie it looks like he gets eaten. I was horribly offended. You can’t kill off the animals! But luckily shortly thereafter it’s revealed that he’s still alive. Well now I was intrigued, I had to make sure Kong really survived to the end. Unfortunately it was now time to jazzercise, so I ended up recording the movie when it played overnight to watch some other day.

Look how cute he is! (the monkey)

The good news is that Kong lives. I was concerned. The filmmakers clearly didn’t understand my obsessive need to make sure he’s alive, so there would be shots of the characters walking around the jungle or going over waterfalls and they’d show all the people so you knew who was still alive, but sometimes neglected to show Kong.

You may have noticed the tie to the starting quote, which by the way is from the movie Seven Psychopaths (which is awesome if you have my type of dark, twisted humor). I giggled when they said that in the movie, but it’s so true. Kill off the male and female characters in horrible ways and people may be shocked, but whatevs. Kill a puppy or kitten, and I will start sobbing hysterically. I don’t want to even talk about movies like I Am Legend.

Of course this is also true for children. And I’ve decided the similarity here is helplessness. A baby can’t save itself. A toddler can’t always waddle to safety. Depending on the circumstances, an animal can’t always save itself either. The kids and animals of the world need someone to help them.

What I find interesting about horror movies is the way female characters are treated. And some of that is tied to the idea of helplessness. Just recently I was reading a novel about survivors of the Titantic disaster, and it was talking about how women were protesting the fact that far more men died because they gave their places in the lifeboats to women. Chivalry is all well and good, but as I’ve actually discussed before I don’t want somebody to die to save me. 

I also don’t think that just because somebody is a female we should assume she’s helpless. I mean yes, if there’s a spider attacking me I’m going to scream and run away and not be particularly useful. But giant snakes? Totally cool with that. Or zombies? Well assuming they’re slow and I have a gun or a machete or something useful I can deal with that too.

You can get into a whole debate over how horror movies treat female characters. There is the fact that they are prone to killing them off (at least the slutty ones). Also, that they tend to just run around screaming instead of doing anything productive.

But luckily this is not true of every horror movie! Anacondas has some nice diversity in helplessness. Some of the characters that start out shrill and useless (Gail, I’m looking at you) end up a bit more BAMF by the end.

Which is why I discovered that when I actually sat down and watched Anacondas all the way through, I quite enjoyed it! Is it a good movie? Well, no. But it was fun for me to watch. Since I’m not overly afraid of snakes I could watch it without getting scared (unlike Eight Legged Freaks which was also playing this week, ick). If I happened upon it in a $5 movie bin I’d totally buy it. So while I felt I had to start this post by justifying why I watched Anacondas, I’m finishing it with some of the awesomeness of the movie!

• The whole premise is that there are some flowers in Borneo that can make you live a really, really, really long time. Right.
• Female cattiness is at its best in Gail. I’m still not entirely sure why she survives the movie.
• “I had this friend, who had this friend who shot documentaries, and he and his whole crew went down to the Amazon, and they were all eaten by snakes, and that’s a true story.”
• I actually really like Sam. She’s pretty spunky, and she has a great Neville Longbottom moment. Even when she starts getting a little hysterical by the end – it’s cool. It’s been a bad few days, everyone’s got a breaking point.
• Oh and let’s not forget to talk about our main Alpha male character, Bill. Could they make him any more macho? He wrestles a crocodile/alligator at one point for Pete’s sake! And the voice? This came out before Batman Begins otherwise I’d suspect him of trying to copy Christian Bale. Nonetheless, I enjoy him. He makes me giggle.
• The dialogue and delivery is hysterical. After Bill assures them they’re not going to run into any other anacondas, and then they do, he takes a deep dramatic breath and says “unless…. it’s mating season.” The true fear of people all over the world, anaconda mating season! In fact I’ve just created the new movie tagline – “when these snakes get jiggy with it, people DIE.”

A Reader's Rant

There are many things in life that irritate me – airport delays, people that tell me what to do, people that tell me what not to do, people that wear peach lotion – just to name a few. If you’re noticing the pattern (typically it involves people and their actions), yeah I’ve noticed that too. I have very low tolerance for stupid mistakes that could easily be corrected. This is why I go absolutely BONKERS over the fact that almost all written articles these days contain typos.

Seriously, it’s getting to be ridiculous. Especially considering that technology will now even catch some of our errors, and the rest could be caught with a quick edit.

I'm allowed to laugh, I'm an English Major

For the most part it’s not even grammatical errors, or if it is, it’s one that looks like it was just overlooked, not that the author lacks a basic understanding of grammar. Despite assumptions from friends, I’m really not that much of a grammar nazi. Some grammar and writing conventions are outdated or restrict the sentence flow. Especially the rule about ending with a preposition.

I had a teacher in high school that actually started trying to follow this rule, and would reword his sentences to make sure they didn’t end with a preposition. We thought it was funny, because half the time the sentence ends up weird.

Personally, I prefer writing to flow the same way a person talks. I still think there are different levels of writing, just like there are different levels of talking. I don’t use the exact same phrases with friends as I do with clients. But I don’t completely change my style of talking either.

If it sounds like I’m being hypocritical, complaining about writing errors and then excusing ungrammatical writing, I understand. Actually I have a few areas where I totally admit my hypocrisy, but this is not one of them. You see, what annoys me with writing errors are the stupid mistakes that could have been fixed if somebody had just checked for them. It’s not even the writing I’m mad at, it’s the laziness of not having someone proofread.

I’m talking about obvious errors here. I’m not even too hung up on things like “to” instead of “too.” Those sort of things are actually easy to overlook if you’re rushing (although why someone is rushing through instead of taking the time to properly look over their work is a good question).

When you write, you get in a certain mind frame. It’s quite simple to misread your writing so that you don’t catch errors. In fanfiction, most writers have what they call a “beta.” It’s basically an editor. Somebody to read through your work and check for those types of errors before you post.

Now sometimes a writer will post a new story, or a new chapter, without their beta checking through it. Some writers never use a beta (which actually includes me, I’ve never had a beta for my fanfiction). Typically they will include an acknowledgement or apology for any errors that do come up.

But that’s fanfiction, it’s not published, it’s just people screwing around for fun.

I’m more concerned with accredited media. I check Yahoo and MSN articles fairly often. It is becoming ridiculous how often I find simple errors in the articles. Seriously isn’t somebody getting paid for this writing? How can they push out news stories without doing a simple check of the article??

Again, I’m not even talking about little things like whether or not the Oxford comma is being used (although while we’re on the subject – if you do not support usage of the Oxford comma we should no longer be friends. Just saying). This is an example from earlier this week on yahoo. 

Somehow a random stream of words ended up in the middle of an article. Twice. Was this supposed to be a link? HOW DID THEY MISS THIS!?

Granted, with an online article I suppose they figure they can always edit it later. You have no idea how furious I get when this happens in printed materials.

Last month I borrowed a book from my friend Kevin called Armor. It was pretty fabulous. I think of it as a nice mix of Starship Troopers, the book, and Starship Troopers, the movie. But the typos. OMG. Every time I talked to Kevin about it (he actually hasn’t read it yet) that’s all I could talk about. There was a bajillion of them! All over the place! Like huge, glaringly obvious errors. More than once it actually duplicated an entire section of text further down the page, in the middle of a different paragraph. You can just guess how disconcerting that made the reading experience.

I’m currently in the middle of an excellent zombie book. It may be my new favorite zombie book ever (although actually I don’t have a current favorite zombie book, as I get halfway through reading them and then freak the heck out of myself and have to stop). It’s brilliant, as it explores the world 20 years after the zombie outbreak, and how it’s changed the way the news is reported and accessed. It’s called Feed by the way if you want to check it out. But even in this book I have caught more than once random question marks appearing in the middle of a sentence.

So if my sentence is supposed to be “people are sucking hardcore and not catching these stupid mistakes” it instead becomes “people are sucking hardcore and not? Catching these stupid mistakes.” These are not questions, just sentences, and the question mark doesn’t even appear in a logical place.

Now with fanfiction, an author can choose whether or not to use a beta. With published material, I always assumed that before investing good money in publishing a story, someone at some point would invest in a proofreader. Am I wrong? Are we sacrificing edits in order to deliver results faster?

I give you free reign to laugh at me now when my posts have little typos. It’s happened before, and I try to fix them whenever I can. I do check through my own writing at least once before putting it up, but I can’t catch everything. It would behoove me to have someone else check through as well, but this is just a blog for me to play around. I promise if at any point in life I’m going to have something published for real, it will be read over so many times that at least the informal proofreaders (me, plus friends and family I guilt trip) will have sections memorized.

After all, my momma raised me that if you’re going to do something, you don’t do it quick, you do it right.

 

It’s Only Weird if it Doesn’t Work

It might just be me, but everywhere I looked the past two days had posts about the coming snow storm such as jokes about the “snowquester” and tips for making sure school was cancelled.

Actually this was fairly useful. I learned some new superstitions for ensuring snow days. I already knew the classic pajamas inside out and backwards. I’ve never heard of a “snow dance” but I’ve probably done it unintentionally. Apparently putting ice cubes in the toilet, spoons under beds (or pillows), and white crayons in the freezer also works. Who knew? Not that I really expect much snow in Texas, but it’s better to be prepared.

I take superstitions somewhat to very seriously. It depends on the particular superstition. One of my favorite commercials this year featured various football fans and their superstitions, with the ending line of “it’s only weird if it doesn’t work.” Loved it. So true too! We all know my beloved team, the Steelers, had a bleak season after I was traveling constantly and unable to wear my lucky clothes and watch the games.

Now general superstitions, like breaking mirrors, walking under ladders, and black cats don’t really concern me. In fact the only time I really think about them is when playing one of the best slot machines ever, Hexbreaker. I do, however, have my own superstitions.

You may be already familiar with the “rabbit, rabbit” belief. Basically you’re supposed to say “rabbit, rabbit” on the first day of the month. You have to say it right away, before you say ANYTHING else. Some areas have a variation where you need to say it three times, rather like Beetlejuice. It’s supposed to be good luck. If you manage to say “rabbit, rabbit” first thing on the first of the month, you’re supposed to have an awesome month.

For years as a child I tried this. The problem was I failed miserably at remembering to say it in the morning. Who thinks about things like rabbits when they’re being dragged out of bed and forced to get ready for school?! It wasn’t until high school when I actually started to remember occasionally. And guess what? Every single time I managed to rabbit properly, it was a BAD month. Not like a combination of bad things. More along the lines of some sort of major bad life event happened, such as wrecking cars, unexpected moves, or people dying.

Thus it became clear to me that in my case, “rabbit, rabbit” is actually unlucky.  I now avoid saying it when at all possible. That’s harder than you think, because I may have brainwashed myself enough that sometimes I try to say it in the morning before I fully wake up.

I’m also superstitious about birthdays. Well, just my birthday. I love birthdays for other people! But for me, I consider my birthday bad luck. It never works out well. I see myself rather like Penny in Happy Endings with a birthday curse. This particular belief is so bad that I no longer celebrate my birthday. Generally I won’t even acknowledge when it is. Friends have found many ways to “cheat” the system and I appreciate their efforts and enthusiasm.

My other big superstition, really the end-all-be-all of my crazy beliefs, is around the number three. I consider it super awful bad luck.

This isn’t exactly unique. Actually the character Novalee does the same thing, although with different numbers, in Where the Heart Is. Oddly enough in the book it’s the number seven. In the movie, it’s the number five. I guess they thought it was too weird to think the number seven unlucky.

The number three is my worst unlucky number, but I also distrust the number nine. After all, it’s the number three times three. I don’t particularly like the number six either, but I’ll accept that it’s not as devious.

How do I handle this superstition? I avoid third floors, the third pump at the gas station, and any dangerous events on the third of the month. I’m waaaaaay more cautious in September and March. I drive super carefully anytime my car mileage has an excessive amount of threes or nines.

Like Novalee, this superstition came about after several unlucky events involving the numbers three and nine. What’s worse, in college when I was talked into watching The Exorcism of Emily Rose I learned that 3:00 AM is the “devil’s hour.” Considering I wake up around 3:00 AM almost every single night I find this terrifying, and further proof of bad luck. Allegedly the most deaths also occur between 3-5 AM. PROOF I TELL YOU.

Now if someone woke me up at 3:00 AM on the first of March and made me say “rabbit, rabbit?” in all likelihood I'd probably survive (probably), so I suppose we can't take these things too seriously... unless it's related to football.

You Are What You Read

The other day I was swapping books with my friend Kevin. I brought him Game of Thrones because everyone should read it, and I was perusing his book options and grabbed Ender’s Game. I then found another book I wanted to borrow, but instead of giving it up immediately Kevin wanted to know if I was currently reading something.

For people that read in a linear fashion, this question was appropriate. The issue was that Kevin had not yet read the book I wanted to borrow, so he was trying to determine if I would get through Ender’s Game, this book, and another book if I was reading one before he would finish his current book and Game of Thrones. I don’t really think of books that way, so it was a new concept for me. I’m now wondering if that’s how most people read: one book after another in the order you get them.

As for me, typically I’m reading around 3 books at a time.

This is a large part of why my house always looks cluttered. As I glance around my living room there are currently 11 books sitting around. I long ago started running out of space on my bookcase, so I now keep various stacks of books. Some are meant to go back to friends, some I’m just getting rid of, and I currently have a stack of books I’m debating whether or not to keep.

How many of those books am I currently reading? Well, not all 11. That would be excessive.

This week, I find myself in the midst of several books. I’ve been reading Les Miserables since the end of December. Unfortunately I have it on my iPad, so I rarely read it at home. I’m still torn on the e-reader debate. There are definitely some benefits. I actually downloaded Les Miserables while stuck in an airport. When traveling, it is convenient to be able to take my iPad with several books on it and not worry about finishing them and running out of reading material. However, it drives me insane that I can’t read while a plane is taking off or landing. Inevitably I end up taking both my iPad and one regular book.

It’s a very rare case where I can bring myself to read off the iPad at home. I prefer the feel of a real book. I can make exceptions for book club selections when I’m trying to read something by a specific date, but otherwise I just find myself waiting until the next time I travel.

So while I am currently reading Les Miserables, I have no plans to finish it in the near future.

I have two other books that I’ve been reading for quite awhile. In This Skin, by Simon Clark, and Dead City. Both are horror stories, and I’m about halfway through both. I stopped reading for now though because they were FREAKING ME OUT. I do like a good horror story, but eventually I get to this point where I have to stop or I won’t be able to sleep at night.

Back in college, I could more easily finish these kinds of books because I was constantly living with other people. It was perfectly okay for me to sit and read while everyone else watching tv or played a video game. I don’t really have that opportunity much anymore. What am I going to do, call my friends up and say “hey can you come sit around my house while I read a scary story?” Nope. I’m holding both of these books until the summer. I do much better out by the pool. Warmth and sunshine are still very acceptable methods of keeping the boogie men at bay.

What am I actively reading in the house? About four books. One I’m actually re-reading, and that would be The Lady of the Forest. Since I’ve read it many, many times before there’s no sense of urgency. Another book I just started is Neverland. I’m finding it hard to read. Typically I like to read while I’m snacking, or eating dinner. This book has been quite descriptive, and there’s a hardcore ick factor to it. I may end up saving it for the summer as well. Then I have The Forest House, which I think I started Wednesday after finishing Sex, Lies, and Online Dating. It’s good so far, but will probably take a bit to get through. The last book I’m actively reading is The White Queen by Philippa Gregory. I’m a little over halfway through but they’ve killed off some of the characters I like, and I can’t decide whether I’m invested enough in the main character to finish or not.

That’s why besides those four, I have two other books you could say I’m “reading.” I started both The Needle in the Blood and Mona Lisa Awakening in the last few weeks, but I haven’t gotten very far in either, and at this point I’m pretty sure I’m just not going to read them.

There are many books in the world I have started, but never finished. This can happen for various reasons. If I don’t like the main character, if I heartily disagree with something they do in the book, if I don’t like the writing, or if at the end of the day I’m just not sucked in.

In Mona Lisa Awakening and The Needle in the Blood I like neither the characters or writing. I haven’t yet firmly decided to give up on them. Again, I’m not very far in either book. Maybe it gets better? But with so many other options I haven’t felt like devoting the time to books I don’t particularly like.

Surely this is how other people read as well?

So I guess I can understand Kevin’s concern that I might not finish a book before he’s ready for it. On the other hand, I borrowed Ender’s Game on Friday, and I finished it yesterday. Why? Because it was AWESOME. When I focus on a book I get through it very quickly. That at least must be the same for everyone that reads.

Pick the Lie

Marilyn Monroe wasn't even her real name, Charles Manson isn't his real name, and now, I'm taking that to be my real name. But what's real? You can't find the truth, you just pick the lie you like the best.

-Marilyn Manson

Today is Get A Different Name Day, yet another of those random holidays ever so dear to my heart. Who even knew there was a whole day devoted to getting a new name for yourself?

Personally, I find this brilliant. There are so many people stuck with names they hate because their parents are either too boring or too original.

My name has plagued me for years. My first name, Jessica, was THE most popular name for girls the year I was born. Apparently my mother is a sheep and just follows the trend. She had main naming rights; my father was only allowed to do my middle name. My middle name is much more acceptable, but I’ve never felt comfortable going by it like other people I know that randomly tell you their middle name as if it’s their first name.

Going through school, there was at least one other Jessica in every single one of my classes. I had to laugh when my friend Kyli posted this link about 90s life and it mentioned the Jessica thing, because it’s TRUE. Many Jessicas were clever and went by shortened versions of their name such as Jess, or Jessie. Ironically enough, the entire reason my mother named me Jessica was so she could call me Jessie, and then she decided she didn’t like it. I personally have never felt right introducing myself as anything other than Jessica, so that’s generally what people call me.

Now I’ve since been told that when I introduce myself, I actually say my name oddly. Supposedly instead of saying Jess-I-Ka I say something more along the lines of Jess-Ka. Crazy. I don’t even hear myself saying it that way (same idea where I can’t hear myself saying muse incorrectly but everyone tells me it’s wrong so I’ve just stopped saying it at all).

It always really bugged me that half the other girls in the world had the same name as me. This meant I was relegated to being either the “nice Jessica” or the “short Jessica” or some other designation that I didn’t always like. This also meant meeting people and hearing things like “you don’t look like a Jessica” or “huh, I’ve never seen a Jessica dress like that.” I was so frustrated by this, one of my college application essays was all about how my name drove me to excel in life to separate myself from the Jessica pack.

So in theory, I should be renaming myself today. Except I CAN’T. How do you choose a new name? How do you redefine yourself and make it stick? Fact, I struggle just naming things like stories or characters. I have several baby name books somewhere in the house just for when I’m writing and I’m stuck on naming my characters. Not that the books actually help when I’m stuck on a name. They do however inspire stories sometimes where I see a name and just instantly get a character.

The only things I’ve ever enjoyed naming were my mixed CDs. Yes, back in the day when I still made CDs for the car instead of plugging in my iPod, I greatly enjoyed giving them interesting names. Since all my CDs were completely random mixes of music, the name didn’t really matter as long as I could remember it. This is how I ended up with gems like “Sugar Sweet Exposure,” “Beware Closing Doors,” and “Don’t Microwave the Monkey.” Oh and don’t forget the frequent passenger favorite, “Tie Me Down & Go GRR.”

We Kill Witches. What Do You Do?

I was at dinner last week with my friend Pietro and some of his friends when a commercial for Hansel & Gretel, Witch Hunters came on the tv. My reaction was instantaneous. Pietro ignored me, as he’s known me for years and is used to this sort of thing. His friends were quite startled. “Are you really THAT excited for this movie?” they seemed desperate to know (to be fair, due to my super excitement I was pretty much bouncing in my seat in the middle of the restaurant). I had to explain over and over just how amazingly awesome it was that the movie was finally about to be out. They gave me blank stares.

Of course I saw Hansel & Gretel over the weekend. Heck, I’d probably see it again if I could talk someone into it. And having seen it, I can say I LOVE the movie. Of course I can also say I think a large number of people are going to hate it. It’s just one of those.

Who will like Hansel & Gretel? People that like stylized, over-the-top violence, bad ass characters, snarky humor, and aren’t expecting a great plot. Picture a combo of fairy tales, sarcasm, and 300.

I have to say I am so incredibly happy the movie turned out well. I found the imdb page ages ago, and as the release date kept getting pushed back I started to fret that this would be another Snow White & The Huntsman. That may have ruined my year. I am already counting down the days until Hansel & Gretel is out on video and I can buy it and watch it a bajillion times.

Since I love this movie so much, I’m not going to do a For The Few post with spoilers. Oh no, I can’t even imagine accidentally spoiling this movie for any of those rare individuals that’ll love it like I do. Instead, I’m going to do the next best thing: a list of my favorites! Nothing below will impact your experience watching the movie. Pinky swear.

• The candy house from the beginning. It looks awesome. I have been seriously craving giant lollipops for the past week.
• Jeremy Renner as Hansel. You already know I love Jeremy Renner. Nothing in this movie goes against that. He’s edging dangerously close to Hugh Jackman on my potential celebrity boyfriend list.
• Jeremy Renner rolling under the bed. I cackled.
• Gemma Arterton as Gretel. I’ve loved Gemma Arterton since Prince of Persia. She is AMAZING as Gretel. I want to be Gretel for any upcoming costume events.
• Peter Stomare. If you don’t recognize the name, he’s had such interesting roles such as Satan in Constantine, Serge in Chocolat, and the guy eaten by compys in The Lost World: Jurassic Park (which I consider one of the worst deaths in that movie btw. I’d much rather be eaten in one or two chomps than slowly picked to death. Gross). In Hansel & Gretel he’s a giant jerkface.
• The anachronistic weapons. Love ‘em.
• The anachronistic constant swearing. Certain people need their mouth(s) washed out with soap.
• The sibling interactions. This is how I imagine my brother and I acting if we were totally awesome witch hunters.
• THE GORE! Oh, the many ways a person can splatter…
• The fanfiction potential. Seriously, people need to get on this. Stat.