The Perfect Movie Drinking Game

I have a deep love of drinking games. Really, what’s not to love? Drinking is great, games are fun, and combining those things results in hilarity. My family shares my appreciation, and as such many family events (including weddings) have been known to spontaneously erupt into Kings or 9-or-Not-9 parties. Even better though are movie drinking games. Those are my favorite by far.

In fact, I think movie drinking games are highly underappreciated. Disagree? Well, here are just a few reasons for why they’re the best kind of drinking game:

• They’re simple. You normally have a few rules and someone reminding the room when to drink. Games with far more complicated rule sets (like Kings) can be intimidating to drinking game newbies.
• They make up for crappy movies. Not everyone has the same movie taste. You may love The Departed but I hate cop movies and am overly fond of funny horror such as Cursed. It’s much easier to sit through a movie that you find otherwise uninteresting if there are drinking consequences on the table.
• They don’t require a lot of people. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve played The Lord of the Rings drinking game with a bunch of friends and that was a blast, but at the end of the day you can get away with only two people playing. Hell, if you’re comfortable with drinking solo, you can play drinking game movies by yourself (although I still say if you’re live-tweeting Sharknado with your friend and brilliant writer Erin at the time, it doesn’t count as being by yourself)

A good drinking game can make a movie. A bad movie drinking game doesn’t ruin it exactly, but they’re annoying nonetheless. While movie drinking games seem simple, I have come to the opinion that there is an art to crafting the perfect movie drinking game (MDG as we will call it from here on out). Since I’m generally a nice person I thought I would share my revelations with you, dear readers, so you can better suss out the best MDGs on your own.

It really all boils down to four principles. The ideal MDG is simple, virgin, consistent, and understood. That seems pretty easy, right? You’d be surprised. To further illustrate each principle, I will describe a MDG that failed at it. Bonus, I’ll even include links to the specific movie drinking game I played!

Simple – Speed Racer

I actually really, really liked this drinking game. We played it on a Thanksgiving morning and everyone had a blast. Of course, that’s because we modified it. The game actually has 13, yes, ***13*** rules. That’s far too many to keep track of! Especially once you’ve been drinking!

And actually, I think if you played with all 13 rules you might die. There is a ridiculous amount of drinking. The reason we enjoyed it so much was because we split the rules. So each person only had 3 individual rules they had to follow, and we all drank for the 13^th. A game doesn’t need to be limited to 3 rules, but I think anything with more than 7 is too much. 13 is excessive beyond all reason.

Virgin – The Room

Again, I had fun playing this one, but that’s because with The Room I didn’t really care about spoilers. Oh FYI, there’s about to be spoilers.

An ideal MDG should be okay for a virgin audience - not actual virgins, but people who haven’t watched the movie before. I had two large problems with this game. A lot of the rules state specific character names, such as “whenever Lisa and Claudette have a heart-to-heart.” Claudette is Lisa’s mother, but I don’t think she’s ever actually introduced with her name. At least not at first. To be fair, they might have said it later and I was too drunk to notice. The only reason I knew to drink was because my boyfriend had watched it already.

The other problem is that one of the rules is to take two shots when Johnny dies. Oh okay, we all now know that Johnny dies. Oops.

Consistent & Understood – American Pie 2

Occasionally you have rules that are tied to a certain scene, and that’s fine when they call it out. What doesn’t work is to have a rule that only shows up maybe 3 times in the entire movie, and you’re left trying to figure out if you missed instances, were playing it wrong, or if it was a stupid rule.

With the American Pie 2 game they either made a stupid rule, or didn’t explain it well. The rule is to take a drink when someone “mentions Tantra.” They literally only say Tantra 3 times in the entire movie. There are scenes that show things related to Finch’s Tantra obsession, but they don’t actually say it. Were you supposed to drink when anything related to Tantra happens? Because the rule says mention. Either they done messed up or it’s the worst rule ever. 3 drinks throughout an entire movie? Please, what is this a drinking game for your mom or something (note I said your mom, because my mom can crush any kind of drinking game)?

For the record, I fully support creating your own MDGs as well. I do it frequently. If you find yourself in a place where you need to make up your own rules, keep the simple, virgin, consistent, and understood requirements in mind and you are sure to succeed*! Success being measured by having fun and getting drunk, obviously. And while it goes without saying, you may want to make responsible decisions both on your drink of choice, and the number of movie drinking games you play in a row. Take it from someone who tried to do Jurassic Park right after The Room. Poor life decision right there. 

Have the perfect movie drinking game that meets all this criteria? Share it in the comments!

Clueless - 20 Years, 20 Questions

You may not have realized it yet, but as of today the movie Clueless turns 20 years old. Hello! It’s time to talk about the magic that is Clueless in honor of this epic day.

I don’t remember when I first saw Clueless, but I have watched it many, many times since. It has taught me important things about life such as:

·      There’s nothing wrong with being a control freak (“I felt impotent and out of control. Which I really, really hate. I had to find sanctuary in a place where I could gather my thoughts and regain my strength...”)

·      Pretty much anything in life is negotiable (“Well, some teachers are trying to low-ball me, Daddy. And I know how you say, "Never accept a first offer", so I figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations.”)

·      It’s okay to wait to sleep with a guy (“You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.”)

Yet as much as I adore this movie, I still have several questions that have never been answered. To celebrate the 20-year anniversary I thought I’d share these questions with you, my darling readers, because maybe someone out there actually has the answers!

Questions I still have about Clueless:

·      What the hell is the dress code for this school? In one of the first scenes there is a girl wearing a full suit to school. A suit! Who does that? Never mind the ridiculous amount of skin everyone shows. Not only tiny skirts, but bare midriffs. This makes me sad that I can’t wear a tiny plaid skirt to work with over the knee stockings and have it be acceptable. Unfair!

·      How did Cher not realize that Elton wanted to jump her bones? No, really. He’s touching her all the time. He kisses her multiple times. I admit, when he asks for Tai’s picture that could throw her off a little but the overall evidence points towards him liking Cher. Now having just said that, I feel ridiculously hypocritical since I’m oblivious myself, but damnit Cher! You’re supposed to know things!

·      What the hell is the dinner protocol at Cher’s house? I cannot follow how it works. Is dinner at a set time? Why do Cher and Josh snack right before dinner? Does one person just realize dinner is ready and then yell at the others? Maybe I’m just confused because dinner in my house could be anytime between the hours of 5 to 11 at night, so having some sort of scheduled dinner seems odd.

·      How bad are these cheerleaders that they accidentally flash people while practicing? Oh what, you never noticed that? Why are they not wearing some sort of cheer shorts? Did Bring It On lie to me that this was a thing?

·      How does Lucy fit in Cher’s clothes? Cher tells Josh that she donates expensive outfits to Lucy, the maid. Lucy is short and squat. Cher is not. Assuming the clothes don’t fit, what does Lucy do with them? Sell them? Give them to somebody?

·      What the hell time of year does this movie start? It can’t be at the end of the semester, because Christian is supposed to spend one semester at each school, and he doesn’t show up until mid-movie. I assumed the grades were for the first quarter, but if you look at the report card when Cher gets her grades updated, the report period it says it’s for is the entire first semester. Yet when Cher and her dad discuss it they say it’s for the same semester and start talking about midterms and what not. WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHY ISN’T CHRISTIAN AT SCHOOL YET?!

·      How did Cher and Dionne end up with food at lunch, without going through line with Tai? Why did Tai have to get their pop? Also is Tai drinking both diet coke and milk? At the same lunch? Aw god that has to be a gross combination.

·      Why does Elton put the picture of Tai in his locker? I understand that this is from Emma, and in Emma he takes a picture that she painted. In Clueless all Cher did was point the camera and take a picture. That doesn’t require skill. I don’t understand. Is this only to create the confusion that maybe Elton does like Tai?

·      Why does Cher let Tai sit in the wrong seat at dinner? If your father always sits there, and you know he scares people, why set up your friend to piss him off immediately? It seems rude.

·      Who shaves their head in the middle of a party? No seriously, who in the middle of a party, at a stranger’s house, uses their razor and shaves their head?

·      Again, WHAT THE HELL TIME OF YEAR IS THIS?! If we assume they are in the second semester based on the report card and discussions above, why are they talking about taking yearbook photos?!? Isn’t that a beginning of the year thing?

·      So when Cher gets her phone stolen, she calls Josh. Why doesn’t she call Dionne? She says it’s because she doesn’t know the number of the party. Ok, that is probably true, but doesn’t she know Dionne’s cell? She knows the number for Josh’s dorm room and he’s had that phone number a half year at most. It’s not like Dionne doesn’t have her cell phone on her. Please, these girls even have their cells at gym class. I’m pretty sure she subconsciously just wanted a reason to call Josh.

·      “If I’m too good for him, how come I’m not with him?” Yes, this is a question they ask in the movie, but nobody ever answers it, and I’m pretty sure we have all continued to ask this at some point in our own lives.

·      How awkward is it that Cher tries to seduce Christian in her debate class, when Elton sits right behind her, and she just turned him down? I know Elton’s a jerk, but I do feel slightly bad for him. He’s stuck sitting behind her and watching her get flowers, and candy, and wear super revealing outfits… poor guy. Did this really never occur to Cher? Is she just ignoring Elton?

·      Why exactly did Tai come to the party when Cher’s out with Christian? Why didn’t Dionne? It seems rude to invite Tai when going with Christian on what Cher thinks is a date. Is that why Tai is in such an odd party outfit? Did Cher make her wear that so she’d could be there on the date but also be a non-threat? And if she notices that Tai is feeling left out, why not have her come over and dance with her and Christian?

·      Also, if this party is Josh’s friends, why are Elton and Amber there? Who the hell invited them? How would they know about the party? They are the only other people from Cher’s school that are there. I assume this is just so the movie can make Tai feel bad about life.

·      What time is Josh’s mom calling the house looking for him? It’s after the party and it seems late at night. She really calls up her ex’s house at like midnight or later to talk to her son? I mean maybe if it was an emergency, but this seems like a casual call. Also, is Josh the only person in this movie that doesn’t have a cell phone? No wait, he does, we saw it earlier.

·      Why does Josh for even a second think that Cher somehow passed the driver’s test? He’s been in the car with her. He knows how she drives. Maybe he thought she’d talk them into it, which is kind of scary.

·      How does Tai know to come to the ASL thing? It doesn’t seem like her and Cher were talking at this point. We haven’t seen her in any scenes since she was “way harsh.” We know she wasn’t talking to Travis anymore. Is she psychic? Did Dionne tell her?

·      How did I never notice before that the wedding at the end is held at Cher’s house? Also, who invites your teacher to have their wedding at your house? That seems incredibly weird, but I guess that’s par for the course for Cher. I wondered why she was a bridesmaid. I mean, in theory they don’t know she hooked them up. It’s probably because they’re using her house. It all makes sense now!

Despite the many questions, Clueless is still one of my go-to movies. I don’t know how one can watch it without feeling better about fashion and life. It also is now a fabulous movie for the “drink whenever something is outdated” game. Happy 20^th, Clueless!

It’s All About Finding the Right Stripper

In the course of events over lunch, I was talking about movies and said something like “a lot of my favorite movies have strippers in them.” This statement stayed in my head during the day. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true. I’m not entirely sure what that means. Does this say something about me as a person? Let’s pretend it doesn’t.

But I thought it would only be fair to share with you some of these fabulous movies. I was going to rank them but had a really tough time doing so. They’re all good for various reasons. Then as I thought about it, I realized that’s the best part! Even looking at just my 4 favorite stripper movies, you have a movie to cover EVERY POSSIBLE MOTIVE FOR WATCHING A MOVIE!!

Okay, that’s an exaggeration, clearly, as some of you have all sorts of different motives and moods than me, but there’s still a nice range available. Again, that’s counting only my favorite stripper movies. I’m not even including more famous and obvious ones like Showgirls, Flashdance, or The Full Monty. So here follows a few sample moods for watching a movie, and the appropriate stripper movie for that moment.

Mood 1: “Seriously I need to non-stop laugh.” -> We’re The Millers

This movie is more mainstream than some of the others so you probably heard of it before, maybe even watched it before. And why not, it’s fantastic! The cast includes Jennifer Aniston, Jason Sudeikis, Emma Roberts, and Nick Offerman just to name a few.

The stripper in this movie is Jennifer Aniston. The fact that I actively dislike Jennifer Aniston and still love this movies speaks to both its comedy, and how well she does feisty stripper Rose.

Best scene: the full first kiss scene, without a doubt.

Mood 2: “I really just want to watch people pulverize the crap out of each other in a completely unrealistic fashion.”   -> Bitch Slap

You probably wouldn’t recognize any of the main cast, but this move (a steal from the $5 bin) includes cameos from Kevin Sorbo, Lucy Lawless, and Renee O’Connor. It also would work for the “let’s watch a lot of hot women show off their body and have everyone be a lesbian” viewing crowd, if such a crowd exists.

The stripper for this one is named Trixie, and played by Julia Voth. By the end of the movie she is my favorite character there!

Best scene: hmm, it’s a toss between the very end, and the church confession scene.

Mood 3: “Right now I need a romance movie that doesn’t make me hate everyone with its unrealistic perfection and ridiculous glamorized kissing and sex scenes.” -> My Awkward Sexual Adventure

If you haven’t seen this before it’s currently on Netflix. I randomly discovered it a few weeks ago. None of the actors were particularly noteworthy to me except that Emily Hampshire was in another Netflix find from the fall: The Returned.

Julia may be my favorite stripper so far in life. It’s a very close tie with our final stripper. Emily Hampshire is so different from the only other role I’ve seen her in that I have to commend the performance. Okay yes, that’s a really narrow data set to make a judgment on, but screw you. It’s amazing. And awkward. And amazing. This movie also prompted a very long conversation around corsets (which we all know I love).

Best scene: The fruit. I think it’s cantaloupe? I don’t really know fruit. I know what is both amusing and kinda sexy though. *cue growl and claw swipe motion*

Mood 4: “Please warm the cockles of my heart. Also have strippers. And Hugh Jackman.” -> Butter

 I saved the best for last! I love this movie. I love this movie in ways you cannot even imagine. A ridiculous number of stars are in it, but clearly Hugh Jackman is the one that matters. It’s heartwarming, and funny, and raunchy, and ridiculous all at the same time. Why am I not watching this right now!? What am I doing with my life!?? Ooo, now I know what I’m doing tomorrow…

Olivia Wilde plays stripper Brooke, as I said above potentially my favorite stripper ever. Every time she opens her mouth she says something that makes me cackle. My personal favorite, “So you want a cookie ‘cause you’re going to get pregnant? I get pregnant, like, once a month!!”

Best scene: wow, I am having an incredibly hard time picking one! I keep second-guessing myself because IT’S ALL SO GOOD.  Okay, okay, twist my arm, and I’d probably say… when the contestants all explain their sculptures. Oh the LOLz. 

So those are my favorite stripper movies! Definitely share if you have other favorites, or if you also agree with these picks!

The SCARIEST MOVIE EVER WATCHED

At some point everyone is going to have a parenting fail moment. I am not personally a parent, but I have some parents, and let me assure you that as much as I love them they’ve made some questionable decisions. There are things I will never forgive them for (in the interest of still getting Christmas presents this year and being allowed to darken their doorway, I should note there are lovely things they’ve done that I’ll also never thank them for, so it really evens out) and that I’m convinced ruined my childhood and potentially warped my entire life. Oddly enough, the scary movies they let me watch as a child that super seriously traumatized me are not on that list.

I say oddly, because just the other day I was talking to people at work about the scariest movie of our childhood. Everyone else in the conversation said at some point, almost verbatim, “my parents really shouldn’t have let me watch it.” They did not say it in the tone of simply stating a fact, there was definitely some condemnation in their voices. Everyone else had pretty similar movies too: It, The Exorcist, Alien… you get the idea. They were naming legitimately scary movies.

And then there’s me.

Before I reveal the scariest movie of my childhood and potentially lose your respect for the rest of our acquaintanceship, let me explain why I don’t blame my parents for this fiasco. My parents did make some dubious calls on what I was allowed to watch. For instance it may not have been the best idea in the world to take me to see Jurassic Park in theaters at age 5. But I think we eventually realized and acknowledged that I was just one of those kids that are scared by basically everything. So while they became far more vigilant regarding my movie experience, they also accepted that it was basically a crapshoot. Even if I were to never watch a “scary” movie again, they couldn’t entirely prevent me from just happening to walk by a tv while a scary commercial was on. And yes, that would still be enough for endless nightmares.

It probably doesn’t help that even to this day I am fascinated by scary movies. So when I walked by that tv and the scary commercial was on, I didn’t walk away. I may have closed my eyes at some point, but I still listened to it.

Plus, my parents weren’t even around when I was exposed to this movie. I was at a neighbor’s house. There is absolutely nothing they could have said to prevent this from happening except maybe to make a rule whenever I was elsewhere that I couldn’t watch ANYTHING. Actually I wasn’t even really watching the movie. So the rule would have to be that no one else in the house could watch ANYTHING on ANY television on the off chance I walk by and become traumatized.

So with those boundaries established, are you ready for the scariest movie of my childhood?

It’s Mars Attacks.

If you’re unfamiliar with this movie, it is a comedy about an alien invasion featuring a ridiculous number of celebrities.The alien ships look like cheap flying saucers, the aliens tend to run around in spandex, and their guns turn you into Christmas colored skeletons. No blood, no gore, just a bright green pile of bones. Spoiler alert (with more spoilers to come, just fyi) – the secret weapon to defeating the aliens? Playing really bad music really loudly. I kid you not.

Not that I actually knew that as a child. My viewing experience went more like this:

·         I caught bits and pieces of the beginning as I wandered around doing whatever it was we were doing. I remember donuts, and there is in fact a donut shop scene in the movie. That’s about it.

·         Unfortunately I did see the part where a dove is killed. This starts a scene of mass human causalities, but I don’t think I actually saw anything after the bird incident.

·         I then locked myself in the bathroom for roughly a half hour, sobbing hysterically. During this time I could hear the people watching the movie laugh frequently. The kids I was playing with, who had not been watching the movie initially, were now all watching too.

·         This made me decide that things must be improving, so I briefly emerged in time for the President (played expertly by Jack Nicholson) to be stabbed through the heart by what seemed to be a dismembered hand.

·         I retreated back to the bathroom. I think I stayed there until I went home. I know I was tentatively planning on living there the rest of my life as it seemed secure, and there was access to both water and a toilet, so the only drawback was lack of food. I’m also pretty sure I made someone fetch me so I wouldn’t have to walk home by myself, despite the fact that I was literally right next door from my house. If that didn’t actually happen, know at least that I super duper wanted it to.

I suppose what we never really clarified is how does one choose the scariest movie of their childhood? What are the defining criteria? As you can tell from the description above, I didn’t even see the bulk of my “scariest movie.”

For me, I’m going not by the duration of time DURING the movie that I was scared, but the duration of time AFTER the movie. There were other movies that had lasting effects. For instance, after catching a few scenes of The Blob I no longer felt comfortable showering (which was really unfortunate since I didn’t trust baths either in case a shark emerged from the drain) for at least several weeks. I mean I did it, but each time felt like I was taking my life in my hands. But hands down, Mars Attacks had the most lasting trauma. From that point on anything involving aliens seemed horrifying. Not only other movies and shows, but even stores that had alien toys seemed unsafe.

Even more importantly, Mars Attacks was the movie that forced my parents to set some boundaries about nightmares. I was trying to escape to their room literally every single night. I can now better understand why that may have posed some problems. At some point they had to say no. So, I more or less moved into my brother’s room for roughly a year. That’s right, A YEAR. Every night I grabbed a bunch of teddy bears, formed a blockade between us on the bed, and prayed that when the aliens came for us I’d have enough time to run away. My brother was younger than me. I didn’t really expect him to do anything about the alien attack. Truthfully, I didn’t really expect my parents to be much help either. But having someone else in the room meant I had better odds of being the one to escape.

This movie also prompted me to decide for a few years that I was going to immediately get married after college, as that seemed to be the only acceptable way for a grownup to be allowed to sleep in bed with another grownup. That was my sole motivation to get married, which is probably why I’m still not married now that I know that’s not strictly true.

So there you go… my scariest movie and how it traumatized my childhood. If you’re a parent you may be feeling a little smug now because your children are not quite as insane. You’re welcome. You’re totally still going to traumatize them at some point though. That’s just how it is.

People normally laugh at this story, but SURELY there are others out there that had ridiculous repercussions to their scary movie viewings as children. If you know of one (or are one) tell the world! Or at least, tell me!

FtF: Technology is a Ruiner

It’s been a long time since I’ve done a For the Few post, mainly because I keep talking about movies that no one even cares if they’re spoiled. Road Trip technically might classify as another of those movies, but I do adore it, so to be safe let’s start with the general warning of SPOILERS AHEAD!

In case you somehow missed seeing Road Trip, let’s start with the basic background. It came out in the summer of 2000 and was an instant classic with horny teenagers around the world. The movie revolves around 4 college guys that drive from Ithaca NY to Austin TX in 3 short days in order to retrieve a package mailed in error. It’s full of nudity, sex jokes, and Tom Green being insane. It spawned the need for similar movies like EuroTrip which has the classic and classy song “Scotty Doesn’t Know.” And sadly, I realized that due to all the ways technology has advanced and taken over our lives, this movie totally doesn’t work anymore. Watching the movie now requires not only suspension of belief on things like the character’s ages and the sexual willingness of beautiful college girls to hook up with short or nerdy guys, but pretty much every plot point from start to finish. Let’s explore the top 5 ways technology has absolutely ruined Road Trip.

5. The bridge scene.

So our guys start driving from NY to Texas and take a shortcut in PA. They wind up in the middle of nowhere faced with a broken bridge and no alternative way across the road. This starts a hilarious sequence that ends with a blown up car. The problem is they would never actually get to this point. There’s no way they’d be simply driving about using a map. Who uses maps these days?? At least one guy in the car would have their destination entered on some sort of GPS app. Even if they decided to not follow the suggested route, there were be some sort of indication the bridge was broken. Heck, there’d probably be some sort of little broken bridge picture on the GPS when they looked at the road. I’m not sure what that looks like, but it’d probably be cute. 

4. The missing son.

One of the guys, Kyle, has a very controlling father that becomes convinced Kyle is kidnapped. He tracks his son across the country leading up to an interesting confrontation in Austin. In reality, it wouldn’t have taken him that long to find Kyle. First of all, the guys talk Kyle into using the credit card his dad gave him for emergencies. I guarantee these days Kyle’s father would have some sort of notification tied to that credit card, and would know that Kyle wasn’t still in Ithaca long before the blown up car was found. Second, this guy is a total control freak. He would absolutely have given Kyle a cell phone, and there would certainly be a “find my phone” feature. As soon as he realized Kyle was missing he would have tried calling, and even if Kyle refused to answer (due to fear of his father), he would have used the location detection. There might still be a side story with Kyle’s parents, but it would be resolved much earlier.

3. Austin/Boston mix up.

One of the other side stories in the movie involves Beth, who slept with Josh, tracking down Josh’s girlfriend to let her know Josh was cheating on her. Hilarity ensues when she is mistakenly directed to the University of Boston instead of the University of Austin. Today, that is not in any way, shape, or form even remotely feasible. From the very first scene with Beth and Josh you can tell she is interested in him. Before they ever hooked up she would have social channel stalked the heck out of him. She’d not only know his girlfriend’s correct college, but also what she looked like, whether they were really in a relationship (as Beth thought they were broken up when she slept with Josh), but probably even know the date they got together years and years ago. Tell me I’m wrong. Go ahead, try. She probably also wouldn’t have still felt the need to go in person, as she could simply send Tiffany a little message of “oh hey, nailed the crap out of your bf the other night. #YOLO! #mybad”

2. “Cheating.”

Now again, the entire reason Beth sleeps with Josh is she thinks he’s single. To be fair, Josh kind of thinks that too. I’m not even going to comment on how this is the perfect example of guy versus girl mindset (Josh basically assumes that since Tiffany hasn’t contacted him in a few days that she’s off sleeping her way through every man in Austin and he’s free to do what he wants without you know, ever CONFIRMING THE BREAKUP. Okay, I lied, I’m commenting on this. WTF is wrong with men?? You couldn’t keep it in your pants like an extra day to maybe make sure you’re single first?) It turns out that Tiffany hasn’t been talking to Josh because her grandfather died, and they’ve been missing each other’s phone calls.

So let’s break this down. Does anyone even still use dorm phones? No. They would have cells, and even if they didn’t catch each other there would have been a record of all the missed calls. Most likely some texts would have been exchanged. At the very least, even if Tiffany isn’t one of those girls to post her entire life on FB, some well-meaning relative would be leaving “so sorry for your loss!” all over her wall. Josh would know his relationship status long before he ever saw Beth at the party. Beth would know his status before the party. If any “cheating” occurred, it would have been on purpose and not cause for a cross-country guilt trip.

1. The entire premise of the road trip.

Simply put, nobody mails videos anymore. Josh and Tiffany would be having regular Skype sessions instead of mailing back and forth super weird videos. Even assuming Josh went ahead and recorded something for Tiffany, it wouldn’t be then mailed in a package. It might be uploaded online, or sent in an email, but if that was the case Josh wouldn’t have any “race against the clock” to fetch the video. Either he’d have a way to take it offline immediately, or Tiffany would see it (although previews for the movie Sex Tape seem to assume otherwise, so I could be wrong on that). In addition, his friend wouldn’t accidentally upload/send it on his behalf. It would have some sort of file name, and even Rubin probably would recognize the difference between a file like “Vid for Tiffany” and “Super Sexy Times with Beth.” Okay, let’s pretend Josh is discreet for a half second and the file names weren’t clear. You can see the timestamp of the file!! Plus, in order to send the video Rubin would need access to some sort of account for Josh. You think a college guy isn’t going to be too busy trying to see/mess up as much as his friend’s stuff as possible? If not, clearly we are not friends with the same kind of people.

You see what I mean about technology being a ruiner?

That’s not to say one can’t still watch and enjoy Road Trip. There are many funny moments involving snakes and random body parts, and if nothing else it lends itself easily to drinking games.

Perfume: Not for the Weak

In case you didn’t know, later this month is National Celebration of the Senses Day. As a Taurus, known lovers of sensual pleasures and luxuries, I will be honoring this holiday to the extreme. For those of you that are a little less inclined to overindulging your senses, I offer a guilt-free alternative. Watch Perfume.

What, you’ve never heard of this movie? I’m not surprised. It’s entirely possible the only reason I know about it is that in college we made a habit of looking up Alan Rickman movies (for Alan Rickman movie night, duh). The full name is Perfume: The Story of a Murderer. It is based on a book, but I only brought myself around to reading it some time after first seeing the movie. I didn’t particularly care for the book. I believe my friend Jenn prefers it though, so don’t take my opinion as a reason not to read it.

Perfume is an interesting movie. I shy away from terms like “good” for this one, but there are things about it that I find very compelling. There are also parts that are a total mind screw, just to warn you. I happened upon a post the other day that notes Perfume “both suffers from and subsequently plays with the fact that film is still a medium that cannot engage all of our senses, such as smell,” which I consider both remarkably accurate, and one of the main reasons I (somewhat) enjoy the movie.

The main gist of Perfume is that there is a character, Jean-Baptiste, who has such a heightened sense of smell that he experiences the world in an entirely different manner from the rest of us. He fears losing wonderful smells, and becomes a perfume apprentice in order to learn how to capture scent. His goal evolves to try and create the perfect perfume.

While this is an interesting premise, I can’t say the storyline is the draw for me. That’s probably why I didn’t really care for the book. What I find fascinating is the way the movie tries to get the viewer to experience what Jean-Baptiste experiences. Obviously, we can’t. We can’t smell things through the tv. What they do instead is use visuals and audio to pull us into the same mindset. This is what I so thoroughly enjoy about the movie.

The other interesting aspect of the movie is the ending. While I’m not going to give away any spoilers here, we used to make people watch Perfume just to see how they reacted to the end.

This is a movie that I feel like everyone should watch at least once, and then I’d enjoy discussing it with them, but there’s a good possibility you may dislike it or be morally offended. So since I like lists, here are some reasons to either watch, or not watch it.

Reasons to Watch Perfume

5. Dustin Hoffman wears a wig. What, that’s not a good enough reason for you?? His scenes are plenty great without the wig, but it’s nonetheless a source of delight.

4. The dark humor is amusing if you like that type of thing.

3. The visuals (in my opinion) are stunning.

2. If nothing else, it raises tons of great questions about life, meaning, beauty, sociopaths, and so on and so forth.

1. Alan Rickman portrays potentially the fictional world’s best father (Liam Neeson is probably winning that contest); very appropriate as Father’s Day is also coming up.

Reasons Perfume May Traumatize or Offend You

5. There’s violence.

4. There’s nudity.

3. There’s a casual disregard of humanity.

2. There are religious references and some religious figures involved in unseemly behavior.

1. The ending, pardon my French (that’s a joke by the way, since the movie is based in France. I knew you didn’t know that so I was nice enough to clarify), is a total “what the f*ck” experience.

This will take on a whole new meaning...

If you do watch it, or have watched it before, please find me (that can be virtually, we don’t need to get into a stalking scenario) and tell me your thoughts! I will say this, the movie left such a strong impression on me that I spent several subsequent days with trash cans placed in front of my door. This is actually my friend Jenn’s top reason for why you should watch Perfume, and it will make more sense once you do!

A Neek and Misfit's Guide to Dating

So you may or may not already be aware that my friend Erin was my inspiration to start writing a blog. I look to Erin as a mentor as well as being a kickass friend, so I have been very touched by her support as I developed my writing. I will say right here and now that if it wasn’t for Erin I would never have attempted, let alone made it through, my NaNoWriMo adventure in November.

We like to discuss our ideas for posts together, and since we are the same person (on some levels) there are a lot of times when we have some overlap. Additionally, both Erin and I may be mildly obsessed with Buzzfeed. We discovered this post (which you should read first) from Buzzfeed Community member Doriean Stevenson back in February. Old timey dating advice is hysterical but also mildly disturbing, so we thought maybe we should add our take to the discussion to keep it fresh. Thus was born our first joint post!

Part one of the post appeared on the Island and part two is here below. Yes, you should read part one before part two if you haven't already. Think of it as a cross-country conversation (since we sadly don’t live in the same state anymore) between Erin and I during happy hour. Apparently we were both hitting the wine as we worked on this, which is basically the same thing and half the reason why it’s so awesome. #hemingwaywasadrunk 

My comments below are in black, and Erin's responses are in blue. This is the reverse of part one. Why? We like to keep people on their toes.

#8
The main problem I have with this is the alleged link between jokes at dinner and sarcasm. I demand data to support this conclusion. Does this mean if I joke at other points of the day I won’t become sarcastic? What about joking during breakfast? It must have something to do with the type of food you’re eating while joking, which is why breakfast is safe. So basically I’ve taken this to mean that joking is still acceptable as long as you have breakfast for dinner. Done.

Waffles are pretty funny. And so are pancakes when people make pancake faces using bananas and bacon. Of course, breakfast for dinner is the best meal I can think of and now I want to make pancakes. I also have to wonder if we’re allowed to make jokes at other times of the day. What if we’re no longer at dinner and I make a joke on the way to the car? Is car walking sarcasm acceptable? If so, then I will cultivate this as new marketable skill.
#9
Now this might just be me, but there are very few people I can stand to see more than three evenings during the week on a consistent basis. I need a lot of me time. If there was a guy that I could put up with that much I suppose I might as well get engaged to them.
Of course these days, “visiting a lady” probably also entails spending the night, at which point, as per Sheldon Cooper’s definition of dating, you’re technically living together. See definition below:
“A girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard when she has stayed over for A, ten consecutive nights or B, more than nine nights in a three week period or C: all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights.”

I can’t disagree with Sheldon Cooper. Like you, I also need me time because I’m an introvert and I need time to recharge before I deal with people again. My apartment is too small for a guy to be around that much so until I find a larger place where we could both have our space, I’m okay with this one.
#10
I actually agree with the idea of this one, but I think it needs tweaking. I would suggest that you never accept a proposal from someone under the following circumstances:
They just had a near-death experience
They’re drunk
They’re under the influence of mind altering drugs (whether they be recreational or medical makes no difference)
Their nemesis just got engaged
That being said, I would note that both my father and brother somewhat proposed while drunk, and while this ended up working out for my father, it didn’t end well for my brother.

I’m so glad that you mentioned having a nemesis! You should never do anything if a person’s (or your) nemesis just did the same thing. This will never end well. I would also like to add the following items to our list of circumstances in which you should never accept a proposal:

They just had lunch with their mother.
Their sibling just got married, had a baby, or bought a home. Or all three.
They’ve spent the last several hours on whichever social media site they prefer seeing all the things that all the people are doing that they’re not.
They often begin sentences with “I liked (insert subject) before liking them was cool.”
They just attended a high school or college reunion.
They just returned from their best friend’s bachelor/bachelorette party in Las Vegas.
They just got a new phone and have not mastered the autocorrect settings.
They are a werewolf.

#11
For serious. This is pretty much unavoidable, but using my life theory as determined by The Sims you can help cut down on some of the unpleasantness. Oh what, you’ve never heard of my Sims Life Theory? No worries.
If you’ve never played The Sims before, the main thing to know is that people have several bars, including a “social” bar, that affect their overall happiness. To keep the social bar full the Sim must engage in social interaction they enjoy. This generally means it is with a person they like, or it’s something they’ve demonstrated liking before. For example, some Sims like a lot of jokes in their conversation. Some get pissy about people that joke too much (they’re probably afraid of that link with sarcasm mentioned above). The important thing is that every Sim needs a different level of interaction to get their bar full, and then the bar decays at different rates.
What this boils down to is that it’s important to know how much interaction your partner likes. If their bar gets full quickly and you keep on joking around when they want to focus on their low food bar or their full bladder bar, it’s not going to end well. This is probably what drives people to cannibalism.

I would probably die in the Sims world. Or become the cannibal in the neighborhood. Does reading quietly at home with the cat while drinking a glass of wine have any value in the Sims world?
\#12
I suck at leaving. Unless I legitimately have something I need to do, I tend to be the person that lingers. This probably ties in with my #FOMO issues. I am convinced that if I leave a party, or leave my friends, something awesome will happen. This fear is more prevalent in our generation than you realize. Besides earning a catchy abbreviation, it has also shown up in popular shows like How I Met Your Mother where the person leaving and missing the awesomeness becomes known as the Blitz. You know what, it probably would behoove me to start leaving things more often. This might be my May project. Or maybe June, because there should be some good stuff going on in May…

One of my favorite movies from the late 80s is Shag. It’s about a group of friends in 1964 South Carolina who take a trip to Myrtle Beach to have one last adventure before they head off to their futures. Annabeth Gish plays Pudge (her real name is Caroline) and Bridget Fonda plays Malaina. Malaina is the authority on boys and as you can guess from the nickname, Pudge is the quiet, awkward one who used to be fat. Anyway, Pudge falls for a boy named Chip and Malaina’s advice to her is to treat him like dirt, walk away, and then give him 10 minutes to apologize (even if he did nothing). That’s how you get your man - you treat them poorly and walk away. Pudge listens to this nonsense then decides Malaina is wrong. She and Chip enter that dance contest and all is righted in the universe. I guess the whole art of leaving idea is to cultivate your mystery because mystery equals allure. And allure is what all the men in the world are interested in. Or something.
#13
I’m not going to lie, I instantly judge people based on their spelling and grammar. I am willing to overlook what I view as “style” choices, like texting/typing ppl instead of people, if they appear sparingly. Pure misspelling though is an instant turnoff. Especially since almost everything this day has spell check! What, are you deliberately misspelling those messages? Do you think that makes you cool?! It doesn’t.  It makes me want to smack you roughly about the head with a dictionary so I can pretend it may be brain damage causing the issue.

I started teaching high school right around the time texting was surpassing instant messaging as the communication choice of teenagers. I spent countless evenings grading writing assignments that included text speak rather than actual words. Between that and the misspellings, the papers were always a sea of red. I could never be this blunt with my students but what was always going through my mind as I graded was, “This makes you look like an idiot.”

There’s a line the song “Friday Night” by The Darkness that sums up my feelings about this:

See the lady I adore
Dancing on the dancing floor
Dancing on a Friday night
God, the way she moves me
To write bad poetry
Dancing on a Friday night
With you.

I don’t care if you write bad poetry about me, just make sure it’s spelled correctly.


#14
Not to bring in some political madness or anything, but how does that account for same-sex relationships? Are they automatically better?
Taking gender out of it, I actually think this ties in with this amazing theory that some of my old coworkers introduced me to (old as in sadly former, not old as in age. If for some reason they end up reading this please do not get mad and come to Texas to injure me) which is called Love Languages. The whole idea is that people communicate their affection based on they would want to feel loved, when you should find out what your partner likes and use that method. Apparently I respond best to people paying attention to me, and doing favors for me. That makes soooooo much sense and explains like half of my lifetime crushes.
I’d definitely suggest checking out this theory. Here’s the website: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Are you sure we’re not the same person? I just took the Love Languages quiz and I also like people to pay attention to me through quality time and for them to do things for me. This makes a ton of sense if I look at my life. What I think we’re getting at is that people need to communicate with one another about what they want and don’t want in relationships. It’s not to say that we shouldn’t compromise when needed but it’s important to understand how the person you love or care for deeply responds best or what they need to feel loved and appreciated. One of my friends told me, not too long after the birth of her first child, that the only thing she wanted from her husband was for him to do the dishes. She would change the diapers, get up in the middle of the night, whatever else but she had no energy for the dishes. That was more important to her than any token or kind word he could have said - she needed the gesture. So I guess what we’re both saying is that, yes, each person loves and wants to be loved in their own way. It’s the combination of the two parts that makes it work.


#15
Because I basically live my life off Jennifer Crusie books, I would simplify this to a quote from Faking It:
“Very few people mate for life with the people they fall for at twelve. Doesn't mean it isn't real, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, doesn't mean it doesn't matter, but basically, we're talking a practice swing in the big game of love.”
Of course if you have a foolproof method for identifying which is a practice swing and which is the big game, then you should tell me. Or alternatively write a book about it and make a million dollars (and then share with me).  

I too love Jennifer Crusie (Jessica introduced me to her) and love this quote so much. I remember the boy I liked at age 12 would not even be on my radar now mostly because he insisted on wearing his collar popped every time he wore a polo shirt. I could also argue that the last guy I dated is not someone I would consider today either and that wasn’t that long ago. We all need our practice swings. I would also say that if anyone thinks fly-fishing is easy, they have never seen the movie A River Runs Through It. However, it’s also possible I was blinded by Craig Sheffer’s attractiveness.

And that's it for us! I hope you enjoyed our expert advice, and keep it in mind as you frolic about this weekend whether you're seeking a mate, currently in a relationship, or partial to sheep. #nojudge