5 Ways I Definitely Don't Want to Die

There’s this thing about death that bugs me. Beyond the whole you/someone/something is dead issue. It’s that you generally have no control over it. There are obvious exceptions, like sticking your head in the oven (which is cheating/losing the game of life), or sticking someone else in an oven (which isn’t polite), but overall it just sort of happens. I think I can accept that. The thing is there are particular ways that I’d really prefer not to die, thank you very much, and I worry that they will end up being my end. So I thought as a precaution, I’d make a list of the 5 ways I least want to die. I see this as a way to throw my preferences out into the universe so when my time comes, someone somewhere has it under consideration.

Way I Definitely Don’t Want to Die #5 – Slow Zombie Gnawing

Ok so I grant that zombies are technically not an issue. Right now. Reading cracked.com might give you a different view. I’m not saying I’m really worried about this happening. Just so we’re all clear.

Are you sure you don't want to try vegetarianism??

In most cases one of the scary things about zombie attack is that you have to not die and at the same time not get infected, because that’s basically a death sentence. I’m totally okay with that concept. I mean I don’t particularly want to turn into a zombie, but just a little nibble and getting infected is acceptable.

What I don’t want is to be in a situation where the zombies really get a chance to gnaw. It’s basically tantamount to being torn apart. Sooooooooo not fun.

Technically Michelle Rodriquez didn’t get slowly eaten by the mob, but it looks like a possibility, and that’s scary enough.

Way I Definitely Don’t Want to Die #4 – Insides on the Outside

You know my fear of zombie nibbling is probably actually a subset of this. But basically, I want my internal organs to stay inside my body. Injuries to those organs resulting in death are okay as long as THEY STAY INSIDE MY BODY.

You can't go wrong with Indiana Jones

I’m not big on losing body parts. Break things, they fix. Chop off a finger or pull out an eye though and I squirm (for the record, Hostel traumatized me). This gets even worse when we start talking about things that I don’t normally see. I know I have guts. I don’t need to see them dangling out my torso. Oh my god and what if they like drag in the ground and now there’s all sort of dirt and leaves and dust on my organs. I am not comfortable with this conversation.

I had a tough choice on this movie example, but I think we have to go with a classic. Please sir, don’t rip out my heart. No literally, don’t you even freaking try to rip out my heart. We will no longer be friends.

Way I Definitely Don’t Want to Die #3 – Helpless

In any of the situations listed so far, sure I might end up dying, but I’d damn well try to live first. I’d fight those zombies to the bitter end. I’d shove those intestines (and the leaves and dirt and whatever else they picked up from the ground… seriously why do we keep having this conversation) back in and try to stitch myself up. I’d make an effort.

So what terrifies me is the idea that I see death coming and can’t do anything about it.

I'd like to switch seats now.

Case in point? Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid. One of the characters is bitten by a spider (also not ideal), paralyzed, and then chomped by an anaconda. So he’s sitting there paralyzed, he can see the anaconda in the background, and he has no way to move or communicate to the others that he is about to die. Super dislike. I mean yeah I might end up in a snake belly regardless, but for the sake of my dignity I want at least a chance to escape.

Don’t believe in giant snakes? Ok fine, let’s go with another example. There’s always Saw 3. Poor Allison Kerry has to stick her hand in acid otherwise her ribs get torn apart. Even though she completes the “challenge,” she realizes the key to her safety doesn’t work. She thought she had a chance to save herself, and instead she’s powerless. Oh how I sympathized with her for those few terrible seconds before she dies from rib ripping. No bueno.

Last of the Mohicans = not a kid's movie (but I watched it)

Way I Definitely Don’t Want to Die #2 – Trial By Fire

DO NOT LIGHT ME ON FIRE. IT LOOKS INCREDIBLY PAINFUL.

That is all.

Way I Definitely Don’t Want to Die #1 – Jaws of Death

Those that know me knew this was coming. It’s not like it’s a surprise to anyone. I am absolutely, completely, bat-shit crazy, terrified of sharks. It’s not just fear at this point. It’s a phobia. What’s the difference? Well fear is being presented with something and being afraid (so swimming, bumping into a shark, and being like AHH!). A phobia is being so terrified of something you actively avoid it at all costs even when it’s ridiculous (so not closing your eyes in the bathtub on the off chance a shark appears).

Amazingly enough I will go in the ocean, but every time I’m convinced I may die. I generally stay in the “safe” zone. I only feel moderately better about this, because there is no true safe zone. Except maybe when the water doesn’t reach my ankles. Don’t believe me? Did you know shark attacks have occurred in only 3 feet of water? Yeah, true story.

I don't how fake the shark looks, I AM AFRAID

It’s interesting that many people are afraid of sharks specifically because of movies like Jaws. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a terrifying movie. I still haven’t technically watched all of it because I normally freak out and either close my eyes or change the channel. But I’m a bit odd in that I’ve just always been afraid of sharks. Because I was already ridiculous about it, my parents refused to let me watch shark movies when I was a kid.

Whenever I’m in water – pool water, ocean water, lake water, doesn’t really matter – I just have this instinctive feeling that something is coming up from below to eat me. I can’t stop it. No amount of facts in the world can prevent this fear. Deep down in my core I am convinced I will die from shark attack, and I dread it more than anything.

In fact, I would probably rather die from any of these other scenarios than be attacked by a shark, even if I survived the shark attack. Because I am convinced that mentally I would completely shut down. The moment I am in the water with a shark will be the moment I lose the last remnants of my sanity. Even if by some miracle I could process it mentally, I think I’d just have a heart attack and die from pure terror.

Just so you know, were a “friend” to ever arrange a “harmless” prank involving sharks…. That would be the definitive end of our friendship. I would never speak their name again. They would receive the “you're dead to me” look.  Every single Mario Party game, millions of cans of pepsi, and even presents of kittens or puppies would not come even close to earning forgiveness.  

In theory, I probably won't die in any of these methods. Well, one can hope anyways. 

When These Snakes Get Jiggy... People DIE

“You can't let the animals die... just the women.”

-Billy, Seven Psychopaths

I considered calling this a For The Few post since there are going to be spoilers for Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid. Of course then I realized that anyone that would care about spoilers has probably already watched the movie. In fact, I think I need to start this post by justifying why exactly I was watching Anacondas in the first place.

It was a typical afternoon at my apartment. I was done with work for the day, and had about an hour or two until jazzercise. This is a very hard time of day for me. I don’t want to get involved in anything too exciting, because it makes it harder for me to stop what I’m doing and go to jazzercise. I don’t want to eat anything, because I’ve finally learned that it’s a bad idea to snack on things like icecream, cookie dough, and frozen pepperoni right before working out. So my solution during this time frame is to read a bit while watching tv. That way I’m not totally invested in either activity. I was browsing the listings trying to find something I’d watched before, but nothing really jumped out. That is, until I saw Anacondas was about to start.

Ta da! Perfect solution. I’ve watched Anaconda before and figured Anacondas would be similarly cheesy and not too distracting. And indeed, at first I was barely paying attention. Scientists, sexual tension, giant snakes, blah blah blah. And then there was Kong. Kong is the pet monkey that lives on the boat, and he is adorable! Near the beginning of the movie it looks like he gets eaten. I was horribly offended. You can’t kill off the animals! But luckily shortly thereafter it’s revealed that he’s still alive. Well now I was intrigued, I had to make sure Kong really survived to the end. Unfortunately it was now time to jazzercise, so I ended up recording the movie when it played overnight to watch some other day.

Look how cute he is! (the monkey)

The good news is that Kong lives. I was concerned. The filmmakers clearly didn’t understand my obsessive need to make sure he’s alive, so there would be shots of the characters walking around the jungle or going over waterfalls and they’d show all the people so you knew who was still alive, but sometimes neglected to show Kong.

You may have noticed the tie to the starting quote, which by the way is from the movie Seven Psychopaths (which is awesome if you have my type of dark, twisted humor). I giggled when they said that in the movie, but it’s so true. Kill off the male and female characters in horrible ways and people may be shocked, but whatevs. Kill a puppy or kitten, and I will start sobbing hysterically. I don’t want to even talk about movies like I Am Legend.

Of course this is also true for children. And I’ve decided the similarity here is helplessness. A baby can’t save itself. A toddler can’t always waddle to safety. Depending on the circumstances, an animal can’t always save itself either. The kids and animals of the world need someone to help them.

What I find interesting about horror movies is the way female characters are treated. And some of that is tied to the idea of helplessness. Just recently I was reading a novel about survivors of the Titantic disaster, and it was talking about how women were protesting the fact that far more men died because they gave their places in the lifeboats to women. Chivalry is all well and good, but as I’ve actually discussed before I don’t want somebody to die to save me. 

I also don’t think that just because somebody is a female we should assume she’s helpless. I mean yes, if there’s a spider attacking me I’m going to scream and run away and not be particularly useful. But giant snakes? Totally cool with that. Or zombies? Well assuming they’re slow and I have a gun or a machete or something useful I can deal with that too.

You can get into a whole debate over how horror movies treat female characters. There is the fact that they are prone to killing them off (at least the slutty ones). Also, that they tend to just run around screaming instead of doing anything productive.

But luckily this is not true of every horror movie! Anacondas has some nice diversity in helplessness. Some of the characters that start out shrill and useless (Gail, I’m looking at you) end up a bit more BAMF by the end.

Which is why I discovered that when I actually sat down and watched Anacondas all the way through, I quite enjoyed it! Is it a good movie? Well, no. But it was fun for me to watch. Since I’m not overly afraid of snakes I could watch it without getting scared (unlike Eight Legged Freaks which was also playing this week, ick). If I happened upon it in a $5 movie bin I’d totally buy it. So while I felt I had to start this post by justifying why I watched Anacondas, I’m finishing it with some of the awesomeness of the movie!

• The whole premise is that there are some flowers in Borneo that can make you live a really, really, really long time. Right.
• Female cattiness is at its best in Gail. I’m still not entirely sure why she survives the movie.
• “I had this friend, who had this friend who shot documentaries, and he and his whole crew went down to the Amazon, and they were all eaten by snakes, and that’s a true story.”
• I actually really like Sam. She’s pretty spunky, and she has a great Neville Longbottom moment. Even when she starts getting a little hysterical by the end – it’s cool. It’s been a bad few days, everyone’s got a breaking point.
• Oh and let’s not forget to talk about our main Alpha male character, Bill. Could they make him any more macho? He wrestles a crocodile/alligator at one point for Pete’s sake! And the voice? This came out before Batman Begins otherwise I’d suspect him of trying to copy Christian Bale. Nonetheless, I enjoy him. He makes me giggle.
• The dialogue and delivery is hysterical. After Bill assures them they’re not going to run into any other anacondas, and then they do, he takes a deep dramatic breath and says “unless…. it’s mating season.” The true fear of people all over the world, anaconda mating season! In fact I’ve just created the new movie tagline – “when these snakes get jiggy with it, people DIE.”