Long Hair = Death

Personally, I’ve had longish hair most of my life, with the exceptions being when I was a baby, and a few random times when I chopped it off and immediately regretted it and had to wait for my hair to grow out again. Some people, like my father, think everyone should have short hair. Some people, like Laurell K Hamilton’s characters, think everyone should have long hair.

The truth of the matter is not everyone can pull off long hair. Of course, not everyone can pull off short hair either. I’m not going to comment either way on who does or does not look good with a certain hair length, but I will say that with long hair comes great responsibility and danger.

You see, long hair is a secret death trap. It’s true. Besides all the known issues around maintenance and increased risk of heat stroke in the summer, there’s the constant possibility that long hair will lead to your early demise.

Now in everyday life you’re probably okay to wander around with your long hair let down, but you should be wary if weird situations come up. Don’t believe me? Here are 4 examples:

1.     Missed it by a hair

I’m starting these examples with the world of sports, which you might think to be the least likely to have issues with long hair. However, my beloved Steelers have a player that is known for his luscious locks, and has also demonstrated their vulnerability.  In case you weren’t watching every Steeler game back in 2006, I’m sharing a video clip. Polamalu had intercepted the ball and was nearing the end zone when he was tackled by… wait for it… his hair. Now this isn’t really a near death situation (although it could be, I feel like that’s doing bad things to your neck) but in some games those 7 points can make all the difference, so close enough.

2.     Safety protocol

The next example comes from a book series. Specifically, this is a zombie trilogy written by Mira Grant that starts with the book Feed. I’m about halfway through the third book (I can only read it while it’s light outside) and I will say it’s definitely my favorite zombie series ever. While none of the characters have died YET (because again I have half a book left) from their long hair, in this post-zombie world it clearly has happened because one of the main characters talks about it ALL THE TIME. When she briefly has long hair she is freaking out about it, due to the potential hazards. So clearly, at some point someone was caught by their hair and munched on. Definitive proof.

3.     Trimmed down

Of course one can hardly talk about long hair without mentioning anime, where everyone and the aliens have ridiculously long hair (here’s looking at you Sailor Moon). In most situations it’s magically not a problem, but in Naruto we have another fine example of the potential dangers. While trapped in a death forest with her teammates unconscious, Sakura is attacked by another team. Eventually she is held by her hair, about to watch her teammates be killed, when she decides to cut her hair off and escape. For years she then keeps her hair short, because obviously she realizes the hazards in her line of work (it’s also symbolic of her being more dedicated to her craft than trying to look pretty and blah blah blah, but let’s focus on what matters to my discussion).

4.     DEATH, so much DEATH

So you might have noticed that no one has really died yet in my examples. Well, prepare yourself then for the ultimate proof – Piranha 3D. In Piranha 3D there is not only one but TWO girls who die due to their long hair. The first girl is innocently swimming in the lake with everyone else when the piranhas attack and it becomes a madhouse. While a certain jerk is trying to escape, her hair gets caught in the boat’s propeller. Suffice to say her face and scalp get ripped off (I think, to be honest I was hiding for a good portion of this movie and have mentally blocked other portions).

Sadly not being there to learn a valuable lesson, the second girl is stuck on a sinking ship and trying to crawl across a rope to make it to safety. Several people crawl across the rope. They make it successfully. This girl does not. You know why? Because the twat didn’t put her hair up before starting across. The piranhas jump and catch hold of her hair, and pull her to her death.

What have we learned here? You can have long hair. It’s gorgeous, it’s sexy, it’s a wonderful defense mechanism in SOCIAL SITUATIONS, but damn it be smart and put it in a ponytail before engaging in potentially hazardous activity. The Green Ranger knew to do this. Are you better than the Green Ranger? I think not.

When Rangers Make You Randy

Apparently the Green Ranger is coming to Austin in November for Comic Con! I found out a few weeks ago and I have been super excited. I may actually go. I say this not because I am against going to cons, but because as my friend Erin has already discussed we keep planning to go to Dragon Con and failing at it. But I think I’m legit going to make the Austin Comic Con happen, if for no other reason than the fact that the Green Ranger will be there.

Now I don’t talk about the Power Rangers as much as other things (like Vampire Diaries and jazzercise, which you’ve heard about many a time) but I have certainly mentioned them before. When the Power Rangers came out all the kids in my neighborhood fell in love with the show. We jostled over who got to be which ranger. Luckily this was when I was the alpha of the group (as opposed to later in the days of the Spice Girls when my friend Bri was alpha and we had to follow her rulings) so I got dibs on the Pink Ranger.

If you aren’t familiar with the Power Rangers, it was a group of teenagers that were given special coins that allowed them to “morph” into ninja warriors that also had “zords” which were basically like giant machines they used to fight giant monsters. It was rather ingenious that the teenagers weren’t born special but got their powers from an outside source, so they could easily switch out characters when necessary.

Initially there were 5 rangers – Red, Pink, Yellow, Blue, and Black. Pink and Yellow were girls (duh), Red was the leader, and in a racist twist that was delightfully overlooked the first year the Yellow Ranger was Asian, and the Black Ranger was African American.

I loved the Pink Ranger, Kimberly. She was pretty, a gymnast, and of course at the time seemed powerful and in control. Like the other rangers, she wore her color at all points, so she was always wearing some wonderful 90s fashion in pink. I fully blame this show for the disaster that was my pink bedroom. Pink walls, pink carpets… and I was stuck with it for YEARS.

Anyway, Tommy Oliver, the Green Ranger, showed up in season 1 but was initially a bad guy. He was from a rival school or something, was just as good as the Red Ranger in martial arts (oh did I forget to mention they all know martial arts? Power Rangers is also to blame for all the kids that suddenly decided they needed to do karate, which includes my brother), and so Rita Repulsa made him her evil minion.

MEANWHILE, there was all sorts of tension between him & Kimberly despite him being a bad guy. Eventually Tommy became a good guy, and later he became the White Ranger and was the new leader of the gang. Kimberly and Tommy were an adorable couple, and all was right in the world. 

Seriously, tell me you didn't want that back in the day

Tommy Oliver was my first fictional character crush. Actually now that I think of it, Power Rangers is probably also to blame for my previously discussed problem where I habitually prefer bad guys/guys that are kind of dicks. Huh, apparently Power Rangers is almost solely responsible for all the problems in life. Don’t let that stop you from watching it though! If I had the original seasons I’d watch that in a hot second. As it is I frequently turn to the Power Rangers movie when I need an emotional boost.

But anyway, the Green Ranger was like girl fantasy candy. He was hot, strong, evil, but seemed to have hints of good because of his feelings for Kimberly. Even when he became good he was witty, dependable, protective, and still super sexy.

I didn’t realize how deeply Power Rangers was embedded in my subconscious until the other day when my friend tried to pull his hair into a ponytail, reminded me vaguely of the Green Ranger, and all of a sudden I was like !!!!!!!!!

They say you always remember your first love. Maybe you always remember your first fictional crush as well. I should probably figure out if I’ve been unconsciously trying to find a guy like the Green Ranger and that’s half my problem, but that can wait for another retrospective lazy weekend.