Things You Never Knew You Never Knew

I had to have a quick debate with myself over whether or not this was a For The Few post, as there may be some spoilers for the movie What’s Your Number, but on the other hand it’s a romcom so I’m pretty sure you can figure out what’s going to happen within the first five minutes.

So I may or may not have “developed a new talent,” to quote Jane from Coupling. I’ve always had this ability; the question is whether or not it’s actually a “talent” or something everyone does. I did talk about it with a friend awhile ago and it wasn’t something they could do, but that’s hardly overwhelming evidence in my favor.

Anyway, so the talent has to do with TV, which probably isn’t a surprise. I noticed that when I watch movies on television I am always super aware of when they cut things out, even if it’s only a few seconds. It works in reverse too – I also notice any scene I didn’t see the first time around. At first, I thought maybe this only applied to movies I had watched quite a few times, because as we all know there are some movies I have watched obsessively. Actually though I’ve noticed it even for movies I’ve watched only one or two times.

Again it wasn’t something I really cared about or commented on until they started playing What’s Your Number. I had watched it originally on HBO and then went out and bought it. Of course, keep in mind that after the first time I watch a movie it’s normally on more as background noise while I simultaneously read or cross-stitch. They’ve started playing it on normal channels now and I turn it on because I love the movie, but then within 15 minutes I’m going insane because they cut out A LOT of little things I like.

So I decided to make a list of my favorite things that are cut from the movie to show the difference a few seconds can make!

First though, here’s a bit of a background on What’s Your Number. It’s about Ally, a woman who realizes she has slept with 20 guys which according to an article is the maximum number a woman can sleep with before she’s doomed to a life of unhappiness. Ally decides in order to not go over 20, she’ll track down her ex-boyfriends and maybe it will work out with one of them. That’s about all you need to know. Oh, also Chris Evans walks around very mostly naked a lot, so there’s that to enjoy.

And here are my top 5 moments that keep getting cut out of the movie but should damn well be left in:

5. Just Taste Them

After Ally sleeps with man #20, she is cake tasting with her sister, Daisy, who is getting married. And by tasting, I mean chowing down (which I would probably do too, this may be the reason no one takes me to cake tastings). She tells Daisy it doesn’t matter how much she eats because she’s going to be celibate since she hit the 20 person limit.

On TV they tend to start this scene right before one of her exes walks in and cut out this initial part of the conversation. It’s not that it’s necessarily super funny, but I think it sets it up better for a few minutes later when Ally decides to start tracking down her ex-boyfriends as opposed to being celibate (because who wants that?).

4. Puppy Love

When Ally’s neighbor Colin comes over to her apartment for the first time, he makes a reference to how he thought she’d be cool. This is because her friends had put her crazy toast on youtube, and they discuss how he gets alerts on everyone in the building.

First of all, this is actually super relevant because that’s the whole reason Ally ends up enlisting Colin to find her ex-boyfriends. Second, this conversation reveals that one of their neighbors attempted to marry his dog, which I find hysterical and which changes the tone later on when Ally runs into said neighbor and dog.

3. How Much Penis?

Ally, her sister, and their friends are playing a “drinking game” at the beginning of the movie as Ally tries to figure out how many men the rest of them have slept with. Needless to say they’re nowhere near the same number as Ally. They keep most of this scene in the TV version, but they do cut out a side conversation where one of the friends changes her number.

This isn’t relevant to the plot really (it pops back up later, but you can get by without it) but it does make me giggle. Basically, the question is how much penis does it take to count as sex.

2. Mini Cheeseburger

For once, the scene doesn’t have any comedic value but I do think it’s essential to the overall tone. Near the end Ally has gotten together with ex Jake Adams. It shows a series of shots of them together. One of these shots, a little longer than the others, is the two of them at a party where a waiter offers mini cheeseburgers. Ally picks one up, but since Jake doesn’t want one she puts it back.

Throughout the movie it is readily apparent that Ally tends to change herself to be more like her boyfriends. Obviously, this is a big problem. If I felt more philosophical at the moment instead of hungry, I might talk about how important this theme is to life in general. But what this scene reveals is that even with Jake Adams, who Ally thought was perfect for her, she’s still changing herself (giving up mini cheeseburgers) to make other people happy (which is even more stupid because not only are burgers awesome but they were MINI).

1. Tweet This

My absolutely favorite thing they keep cutting out of the TV version is completely non-relevant and probably not even than funny to other people. Ally wakes up to Colin hiding out in her apartment and finds out he created a Facebook account for her. She complains but accepts it, stating however that she refuses to be on Twitter. This part is still in the movie.

At the end of the scene though Ally goes to make coffee, and can’t find her coffee pot. Colin responds “I broke it. If you were on Twitter you would know that already.”

I think this amuses me so much because A. I’m also not on Twitter (*gasp!*), and B. this totally seems like the type of ridiculous thing people would tweet about.

So that’s my list! There are actually a few other little things they cut out as well that drive me insane, but these are the big ones in my humble opinion. It bugs me because I’m pretty sure most people didn’t see this in theaters (I don’t even remember it being out), probably didn’t watch it on HBO, and now they’re going to see the reduced version and not even know what they’re missing. I love this movie. How can you not, with quotes like “the guitar gets cold against his penis,” the hysterical relationship between the sisters, and Anna Faris being adorable?

Long Hair = Death

Personally, I’ve had longish hair most of my life, with the exceptions being when I was a baby, and a few random times when I chopped it off and immediately regretted it and had to wait for my hair to grow out again. Some people, like my father, think everyone should have short hair. Some people, like Laurell K Hamilton’s characters, think everyone should have long hair.

The truth of the matter is not everyone can pull off long hair. Of course, not everyone can pull off short hair either. I’m not going to comment either way on who does or does not look good with a certain hair length, but I will say that with long hair comes great responsibility and danger.

You see, long hair is a secret death trap. It’s true. Besides all the known issues around maintenance and increased risk of heat stroke in the summer, there’s the constant possibility that long hair will lead to your early demise.

Now in everyday life you’re probably okay to wander around with your long hair let down, but you should be wary if weird situations come up. Don’t believe me? Here are 4 examples:

1.     Missed it by a hair

I’m starting these examples with the world of sports, which you might think to be the least likely to have issues with long hair. However, my beloved Steelers have a player that is known for his luscious locks, and has also demonstrated their vulnerability.  In case you weren’t watching every Steeler game back in 2006, I’m sharing a video clip. Polamalu had intercepted the ball and was nearing the end zone when he was tackled by… wait for it… his hair. Now this isn’t really a near death situation (although it could be, I feel like that’s doing bad things to your neck) but in some games those 7 points can make all the difference, so close enough.

2.     Safety protocol

The next example comes from a book series. Specifically, this is a zombie trilogy written by Mira Grant that starts with the book Feed. I’m about halfway through the third book (I can only read it while it’s light outside) and I will say it’s definitely my favorite zombie series ever. While none of the characters have died YET (because again I have half a book left) from their long hair, in this post-zombie world it clearly has happened because one of the main characters talks about it ALL THE TIME. When she briefly has long hair she is freaking out about it, due to the potential hazards. So clearly, at some point someone was caught by their hair and munched on. Definitive proof.

3.     Trimmed down

Of course one can hardly talk about long hair without mentioning anime, where everyone and the aliens have ridiculously long hair (here’s looking at you Sailor Moon). In most situations it’s magically not a problem, but in Naruto we have another fine example of the potential dangers. While trapped in a death forest with her teammates unconscious, Sakura is attacked by another team. Eventually she is held by her hair, about to watch her teammates be killed, when she decides to cut her hair off and escape. For years she then keeps her hair short, because obviously she realizes the hazards in her line of work (it’s also symbolic of her being more dedicated to her craft than trying to look pretty and blah blah blah, but let’s focus on what matters to my discussion).

4.     DEATH, so much DEATH

So you might have noticed that no one has really died yet in my examples. Well, prepare yourself then for the ultimate proof – Piranha 3D. In Piranha 3D there is not only one but TWO girls who die due to their long hair. The first girl is innocently swimming in the lake with everyone else when the piranhas attack and it becomes a madhouse. While a certain jerk is trying to escape, her hair gets caught in the boat’s propeller. Suffice to say her face and scalp get ripped off (I think, to be honest I was hiding for a good portion of this movie and have mentally blocked other portions).

Sadly not being there to learn a valuable lesson, the second girl is stuck on a sinking ship and trying to crawl across a rope to make it to safety. Several people crawl across the rope. They make it successfully. This girl does not. You know why? Because the twat didn’t put her hair up before starting across. The piranhas jump and catch hold of her hair, and pull her to her death.

What have we learned here? You can have long hair. It’s gorgeous, it’s sexy, it’s a wonderful defense mechanism in SOCIAL SITUATIONS, but damn it be smart and put it in a ponytail before engaging in potentially hazardous activity. The Green Ranger knew to do this. Are you better than the Green Ranger? I think not.

Thus It Will Be: Grudge Who Grudge

You know all those people (including me) that say they’re in love with a fictional character? Well, there are also those of us that are in love with a historical figure. I know, I know, but it happens.

There are several different historical figures I have a bit of a crush on. I can read about people like Caesar, Cleopatra, and Marie Antoinette until the cows come home, which since I don’t live on a farm means I do a lot of reading. But while their stories are interesting, and even though I have a bit of a vendetta against Octavian, it’s nothing like the way I get about my true historical love.

Who is it, you may wonder. A great American like George Washington? A prime man specimen such as Marc Antony? No, my love is none other than the glorious and misunderstood Anne Boleyn.

I’m not entirely sure why I love Anne quite so much. Henry VIII’s wives and scandals are certainly fascinating. Sometimes I’ll read about the other wives or about Henry himself, but it’s not really the same. I want to scream with frustration when Henry starts to stray to that simpleton Jane Seymour. Nor can I ever bring myself to deal with anything that is sympathetic to Catherine of Aragon.

Which is actually a fascinating example of what my mother calls my “delightful inconsistencies.” By all accounts I should be on the side of Catherine. She did nothing wrong. She was a faithful wife, a wonderful person, and she stubbornly refused to submit. Why do I hate her? I don’t know! But I can’t stop myself!!

If it wasn’t for Catherine, Henry would have been able to marry Anne much earlier. If Anne could have married Henry earlier instead of having to draw him on for years (and years… and years) she would have been less stressed and probably could have given birth to a son instead of having a miscarriage. If she had given Henry a son, he wouldn’t have killed her. Yeah, he probably would have gotten tired of her eventually and had more mistresses on the side, but he wouldn’t have needed to get rid of her because she would have provided the one thing he wanted.

Not only was my poor Anne killed over the ridiculous whims of a fat, stupid man, she has been horribly slandered since her death. The rumors of her time that she was a witch continue to pop up again and again. There are websites that list her having a 6^th finger and a huge mole on her neck as FACTS that caused the witchcraft charges. Um, what? You really think a spoiled brat of a king would pursue a “deformed” woman for years?

Even popular novels like The Other Boleyn Girl malign Anne’s character. They make it seem like she was a selfish, ruthless girl that didn’t even care about her own siblings.

Anne wasn’t a saint. She had to make some sacrifices to make it to royalty and there’s some evidence she may have some vendetta issues (which I totally support). I believe she was a good person though, and if you look for it there is just as much evidence on her side too.

Why do I love Anne so much? I don’t know. Some of it is so instinctive I can’t really explain it well. When my love loses her head, I lose my mind. Want to see my cry? Any movie/show that shows her being beheaded is guaranteed to make me start tearing up. And disclaimer, in case you don’t know me that well, I DO NOT cry easily.

On the other hand some of it is more apparent. Anne Boleyn was clever, pretty, and intelligent. Instead of accepting society’s role that she could be the king’s mistress or nothing, she made it so she could be queen. She managed to keep the king enthralled for years despite the easy availability of so many other pretty, easy women. It wasn’t magic like they claim, but it was still damn impressive.

Take a Moment

Every so often things get serious around here, so if you only come for the giggles this is not your post.

I have a small obsession with random holidays. I create a wall calendar for myself and a few other awesome ladies so we know when things like National Absinthe Day are about to happen. Then I also put it in my phone, so I always know what’s going on that day. Yet somehow I didn’t know that today is Self-Injury Awareness Day until one friend, and only one friend, posted it on Facebook.

That’s a problem. I constantly see tons of people changing their profile picture for this or that trend, promoting all the things wrong with the government, or posting to keep somebody on a television show, but so far I’m not seeing much for today.

Part of it may be the common misconceptions. Those that hurt themselves are not “emo.” They’re not just preteen girls trying to get attention. They are everyday people struggling with issues and their emotions, and this happens to be the way they cope. 

If you are unfamiliar with self-injury, I would encourage you to learn more.

What I am really asking you to do though, is to step back a moment and stop judging.

More than one person I love deals with this issue. They are amazing people. They are caring, smart, and funny. Yet if someone learns that they self-injure, that’s all they seem to see.  

Recently I was reading a book (that I may or may not continue, the characters are refusing to do what I want them to) where the main character is a sex addict, and she struggles with telling her fiancé because of course there are all the misconceptions around what this really means. When David Duchovny said he was a sex addict, I scoffed too. Meanwhile, I am addicted to pepsi. Yes, I joke about it all the time because it’s ridiculous, but for me it’s actually very real. And for some people, self-injury has become not only a coping behavior, but an addiction that they can’t easily get support for because everyone assumes they’re trying to kill themselves or that they’re seeking attention.

I don’t think we can really ever speak to what another person may be struggling with. I certainly don’t know what you’re trying to deal with right now. However, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be willing to listen, and try to understand. That’s one of the amazing things about humans. We socialize. We bond. We help each other.

But one of the downsides - we use gossip to bond. We pick apart other people to make ourselves feel better. We condemn what we don’t understand. We use big, sweeping generalities (like these) to explain and comprehend the world and everyone in it.

All I’m asking for today is for a little more understanding. That you put aside your view of it, look past the issues that someone struggles with, and still see the amazing person within. We should not be defined by one facet of ourselves, whether it’s our skin, our sexual orientation, or our problems. I hope that together we can create an environment where if someone needs help, they know they can say something without worrying about censure and contempt.  Now, do I honestly expect that this one blog post is going to automatically make that happen? Heck no. I think I have about 5 people regularly reading this. But if this can reach and help even one person be more aware, I would be grateful.

It’s not very often I get on my soapbox, so thank you for taking the time to read this. It could be worse – I’ve been seriously considering finally writing down my rant for why I absolutely hate Twilight. Years later and I still can’t get over it apparently. Freaking Twilight.